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/Whois - Chapter 5 - The Art of Cybersex

Updated on July 29, 2008

Of course, in IRC, nobody realized how truly sexually repugnant I was. I was snobird...internet vixen extraordinaire, desired by men on an international level. Hah!

Okay, so maybe I exaggerate a wee bit. While I didn't exactly have men falling at my feet, they weren't trying to gnaw off their appendages to escape either. That was pretty much all the encouragement I needed. In real life, Jerry may have thought of me as a social cripple, but in the room of imagination there was nothing to hobble me.

Watching Kali and Kimbrr in action, flirting with men and spurning them with casual ease, I grew confident that I could do so as well, eventually. I knew a lot of words...

Still, it was a bit of a shocker to discover that I actually had an admirer.

His nickname was creatively, Male1. I never did bump into a Male2 or I suppose he was actually the only Male, but who knows. He was from Melbourne, Australia, worked in the theater and had a love of Japanese culture. I figured, given the fact that he was on the other side of a very large chunk of rock, that there was no harm in a casual flirtation. It was no secret that I was married and considered myself content. Yep...I was naïve AND in denial.

Occasionally I would eschew the companionship of my friends and go off on my own. I had a little room called Snobird's Studio, where I was content for hours at a time playing with IRC content, designing toys that I thought might be a nice comical touch to our room in some unforeseen future. Without fail, Male1 would seek me out and join me in my little hideaway. Normally, I didn't mind...but occasionally he was a pest and I wished he would go and find somebody else to annoy.

One night, out of the blue, he asked..."So, have you tried cybering yet?"

*Snobird makes a face*

Snobird: No...and not interested

Male1: Don't tell me my little birdie is a prude! You like to write...don't you? That's all it is...writing. It's not like we're actually having sex. Or don't you think that you could write about it...? Is that it? Afraid that you'll be exposed as having no talent in that particular...area?

Okay, so he'd struck a really raw nerve on that one. Repugnant AND lacking in writing skills. Still, I took the moral high road and simply refused to gratify him with an answer. I kept working on my project...ignoring him.

*Male1 laughs at his proper little birdie*

Male1: How about if I just show you...and you only join in if you want?

I managed to ignore his text for about four and a half minutes...and then I simply sat back with my mouth hanging open. Understand, thanks to my husband, I was a hormonal lust bomb just waiting to explode and it seemed that Male1 was only too happy to be the one to light the fuse.

"Oh..." was all I could manage to utter. I yanked my hands away from the keyboard as if this was the sudden source of heat.

"Are you coming to bed anytime soon?" my husband asked from the doorway, jarring me from my thoughts. Guiltily, my hand leapt forward and minimized the screen. Shit...oh...crap. Now what do I do? Male1 is probably wondering where I've gone...why he's getting no reaction. He's probably really disgusted by now...and Jerry is waiting for an answer...

"Soon," I replied as cool as cucumber. "Kali was just telling me about her day and how she went out shopping with her neighbor and..."

"Just don't stay up all night," Jerry said, dismissing my explanation before I'd finished.

As soon as he'd left, I reopened the window to face what I was sure would be a diatribe about how thoughtless a creature I was...leaving a man hanging for some sort of response to his amorous advances. I was totally unprepared for what I did see. Male1 had been having a really good time...needing about as much input from me as he would an inflatable partner. A part of me was deeply offended by this...but also relieved that my participation had not been required after all.

"My first cybersex experience," I muttered lighting a cigarette, "and I pretty much missed it all."

I was confused. For something that was ludicrous beyond compare and made me want to throw up, I think I actually liked it. There was only one thing to be done...

Snobird: I did it.

Kali: Really? With who?

Kimbrr: About time! Who was it?

*Snobird shuffles in embarrassment*

Snobird: Male1

Kali: Ooooh! He's good.

Kimbrr: Yep...if I had to pick somebody for would have been him. He's very good.

Snobird: mean...both of you...err...and Male1?

I guess I should have felt a bit icky about that. But to be honest, I didn't. In a way, it was a relief of sorts to know that he came highly recommended.

Kimbrr: I know he really likes you, sno. A lot. He's been asking a lot about you. I've known him a long time and he's a really great guy. You are very lucky...

*Snobird laughs*

Snobird: Yeah right. I'm married...and he knows that. It's not like that at all...and besides, it's not like I'm going to make a habit of this cyber stuff.

Oh...but I did. And in all honesty, my writing skills improved immensely. To start, I drew from all the women's "romance" novels I'd read when I was younger and by the time all was said and done, I probably could have written a few.

In my zeal to become the best author of IRC smut, I overlooked one teeny tiny little thing. Male1. I didn't realize that he was one of those people that Obiwan cautioned me about. Perhaps I suspected he was lonely...but I didn't realize he was disturbed and working up a good obsession to boot.

But that was still a ways off in the future and of no concern to me at this particular moment. Kali and Kimbrr took charge of my education and were only too eager to teach me the ropes.

Kimbrr: C'mon Sno...we're off to #sex.

Snobird: Oh we have to? That place is disgusting.

Kimbrr: How will you know good cyber...unless you see bad cyber first?

Snobird: Okay...but I'm not going in as snobird....

Kali: Well of course not hon...we never go in as ourselves.

And so, without further ado, Hotlegs, XXXPleasure and Snokitten went into #sex. I'll leave you to figure out which one was me...

I learned a lot in those first few hours. One, I never wanted to come to this channel ever again. And two, there IS a big difference between good cybersex and cybersex that makes you want to become an IRC nun. The best way to show you the difference is by example...


Pervert: First, I kiss your so.

*snokitten yawns*

Pervert: And then I unbutton your so.

Of course during this whole episode I'm cutting and pasting the entire dialog to Kali and Kimbrr. Why should I have to suffer this alone? They are very supportive friends...when they stop laughing long enough to type.


*Pervert gently lifts snokitten's silky tresses from her swanlike neck. He leans in to inhale her sensual fragrance, exhaling softly in her ear before brushing his lips tenderly upon her velvety skin*

Now you understand...

Cybersex should be like reading a smutty little bodice-ripping romance novel...well at least for women. It's merely an added benefit that it happens to be an interactive novel, thanks to IRC.

The only thing missing from the bad cybersex example was the line, "insert tab "A" into slot "B" so." Perhaps some men enjoy having a sexual encounter with all the emotional depth of a how-to manual. Fortunately, not all of them did.

Is it wrong? I've heard arguments for both sides. Clearly, if you are a single consenting adult, there should be no issue. It's a personal choice and a private behavior.

Can it be considered cheating if you are married? Again...I've received different opinions. A part of me did feel guilty for indulging in this behavior, but it seemed harmless. It wasn't as if I was physically was only in my head.


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    • spryte profile image

      spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA


    • profile image

      Peepingtom 6 years ago

      Teeheehee. (God, I'm a literary genius)

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Well...on a scale of 1 to 10....with 1 being...forgettable...and 10 being damn near impossible to must strive to....uh....not be forgotten...

    • profile image

      ~nopawprintstoseehere~ 6 years ago

      "I've heard about IRC, but I have no idea what it's about.

      Sounds like fun though, lol. Depends on the right people you meet there I guess..."

      *shut up ya big furball-someone's already said that!*

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 6 years ago from Arizona, USA

      *takes a bite of my apple while reading...extending foot...slowly...trips you on your way out the door*


    • profile image

      ~otterknowbetter~ 6 years ago

      hmmmm...nothing like a good firm "twffwtppt".

      *takes copious notes and jumps to the next page to see if there's any more action - can hear laughter!*

    • profile image

      Leel 8 years ago

      Internet Relay Chat (IRC) is a form of real-time Internet text messaging (chat) or synchronous conferencing. Basically, it is a chat room system for either groups or individuals. Other chat services allow the same options, and secondlife (totally free btw) allow a bit more vivid experience. If you end up in secondlife say "Hi", I am Leel Chaffe.

    • Lifes Joke profile image

      Lifes Joke 8 years ago

      I really loved reading this hub very entertaining....hmmm cybersex i think i first tried it when i was lie 13 or something maybe kind of bad i know a perfect example on why you should monitor your kids pc habits lol..but no i don't remember having bad cybersex very creative of course now when i think about it i had to be talking to real perverts...i like writing erotic stuff in general so i don't really think it is anything wrong with it...what is IRC?

    • profile image

      ChasingMemories 8 years ago

      I've heard about IRC, but I have no idea what it's about.

      Sounds like fun though, lol.

      Depends on the right people you meet there I guess...

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      RB - You are welcome a mil! It is fun being able to hide behind an erotic self-made persona and having the opposite sex lusting after you for your language skills. :) I'm glad you dropped in and it's always good to hear from somebody else who has been there and done that. Sometimes I feel...a bit different myself. :)

    • profile image

      Rainbow Brite 9 years ago

      wow, I'm really glad you posted this! As a kid I was really socially awkward....I think I spelled that wrong....anyway everybody knows I can't spell.......anyway, that was until my best friend turned me onto the whole chat/cybersex scene. From there, well, it's all history....maybe I'll write a hub about it some time! So yeah cybering can be bad BAD BAD! But it can also be sosossosososososo gooooooood! It opens you up just that little bit that you need and if you are creative enough to use that for your own purposes it can be great. As for if it's cheating or not....HELL NO! As long as it stays on the internet. Now if snobird meets male1 for dinner and a movie and some non-cyber adult content then yes, you have officially entered the adulterer zone. Otherwise, it's just a little harmless fun that usually ends in my current REAL partner getting some that night! Anyway, great hub, thanks a mil!

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      dude - I'm glad...I think. :)

    • profile image

      dude 9 years ago

      i lile ur info and it will be very benificial to me in future

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Hey texaman -

      Unfortunately, I'm not as current on my servers as I once was. Besides heavy population doesn't always guarantee the server is any good really. My personal favorites were Austnet and Dalnet, though....perhaps Undernet every once in a while.

    • profile image

      texaman 9 years ago

      wow, that completely opened up my mind to a lot of things! lol, what kind IRC servers are the good and populated ones! Lol

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      LOL Typo - I hadn't noticed that in Truth's comment :) Very nice catch!

    • profile image

      Typo of the week 9 years ago

      Awarded to Truth is, for writing "finance" instead of "fiancé". :-)

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Oddly enough Shade...

      Snobird would have thought...hmmm...he can spell twffwtppt (not many men could) and figured that with a little bit of assistance, you too could be a cyber god.

      Actually, knowing Snobird the way I do, she would have said something like, "Wanna go play?" And dragged you off to some staid channel that needed an education in imagination. :)

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 9 years ago from California

      Ok, this was really informative.  I tried do do that stuff a few times and couldn't get any success at all, but now you've shown me what I was doing wrong... lines like, "Kissing silken tresses from a swan like neck" would have served me so much better than my standard:

       "I belch a warm, Budweiser scented breath into your ear, so loud it roars like a fresh flushed toilet.  I quickly swallow down that little bile thing that comes up (God I hate that, I knew burrito's was not the way to go before coming in here) and then I go in for the kiss, mashing my spigot lips at you with a quick twffwtppt to launch that little piece of nacho off the tip of my tongue before I give you the Frenching of your life."

      That line was just not what I hoped it would be so I gave up on the whole thing figuring cyber chicks were prudes.  Now I know.  Thanks, Spryte!

    • profile image

      Ananta65 9 years ago

      Somehow I knew you'd appreciate that series of hubs :)

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      :) You are right...that was good! Thanks for pointing me toward it. Cranston has a new fan.

    • profile image

      Ananta65 9 years ago

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Hmm...I suppose it was curiosity at first. Sort of like snitching a cigarette behind your parents back.

      After that, it was more of a writing challenge...or an exercise if you will. Sometimes it was ludicrous, revolting or interesting it really depended a lot on the other person's imagination as well. Sometimes it could be downright dull. :)

      Of course...if you really cared about the person, then it's a totally different story. Most cyber isn't like that though. Most strangers don't care about each other...they are merely looking for a visceral gratification. And I think that is what most people think of when they think of cybersex.

      I like that you ask questions :) and I hope that you'll keep reading!

    • Truth is profile image

      Truth is 9 years ago from Texas

      I have never tried it( it being cyber sex), I am more a hands on person. I once attempted phone sex and it turned out so wrong, so so soooooooo wrong,lol I'll have to write about it.

      My finance is into cyber and he seems to enjoy it a great deal and from what i have seen him write, is muh better at it then well, the real deal ( ha he will be reading this i'm sure).

      How did you get started? Was it curiosity filled, did someon introduce you or was it something that just happened you liked it and then continued to pursue?