Wish I Wanted
I want to want you. It is normal to want you. You are a goal that fits into normal life. It's expected. I wish that I wanted you but I don't. It bothers me that I don't. I don't understand why I don't. I'm strong enough to fight for you, to care for you, to chose you. I wanted you once but you appeared to me now. At a time when I'm reckless & tired. Now, that I am a shadow of who I once was and am redefining myself. A time when the weight of my sword and my will to protect one person are the only things keeping me from shaking and losing my balance as the ground shakes from beneath me. I'm teetering, I'm faltering but I am slowly coming back together. I am a work in progress. Your arrival is enough to collapse what little foundation I have. Although you deserve it, I don't have the years you require of me. I don't see that far ahead.
I know that the memory of you will live in me always. I know that I'll wonder. Its human nature. The fact that I am able to do something, that I could barrel thru it and be at peace with it, that I was good at it in the past, these are not reasons to do something without the desire to do it. I wish that I did want you but I am not human enough to chase a goal simply because society uses it as a measure of success. I will not make promises to you that I am not ready for, just to let you down. I wish I were ready. I wish that I would fight but not every road presented comes at the right time. This declaration of truth, like all others, does come with a price. As I write, there is a part of me that dies a little more. I paid the price of feeling the pain that comes with something dying inside but I was not made to do things by force, obligation , or out of guilt. You deserve to be wanted and this is how I show my love for you.