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New Goals

Updated on March 23, 2017

The day began as every other one did for him. Lying in bed awake thinking about what the day will bring. He had become accustomed to the negligible piece of existence he clung to on the day to day. He didn’t care much for luxuries, or overly expensive anything really. He was just living each day, as it came, until he died. He had grown into a terribly cynical individual over the years, as well as apathetic.

The alarm rang for the 5th time right at 8:30am, as he customarily hit the snooze button half a dozen times, even though he was quite awake. As with every other morning, he got up, showered and brushed his teeth, then began towards the kitchen in search for whatever could be passed for food then. After eating some leftover Chinese he had 2 days ago, he got dressed, and began to mentally prepare for the long drive ahead of him.

He enjoyed listening to audiobooks for free using his phone while on the long drives to and fro his work place. Books he knew he would never actually possess, as much as he wanted them. Regardless, the long drives became much more tolerable with the audiobooks and music. He was a smoker, a heavy one on the long drives. He tended to rationalize the large uptick in cigarettes smoked while driving by making himself believe it was to keep him awake. Used to rationalizing the sometimes awful things he did to himself, this small revelation was nothing more than a fleeting thought in the back of his mind as he thought about how terrible things have become in such a short time.

Recently single, and with two children that aren’t with him anymore, life became quiet. The type of disturbing stillness he swore he would leave behind years ago. Alone again, he begrudgingly turned into his destination, and with measured, slow, steps made his way inside the looming building ahead. Although only 3 floors high, the sheer size of the structure left him feeling small and insignificant, no doubt a “happy accident” that the building was built this way. In he went to begin the mundane task of dealing with people and situations he did not want to touch with a ten foot pole. These last few days, however, that feeling has done nothing but multiply.

Interestingly enough, besides all this, somebody managed to catch his eye. A beautiful, intelligent, and humorous, fantastically amazing human being. One of the very few that he felt had a real personality, and was very witty. What more could anyone ask for? Well, for one, she was quite taken. And come to find out, smitten with another, which made things, interesting to say the least. They spent large amounts of time talking together, he had fun the whole time. His heart had not pumped that hard in some time. Even though almost every word uttered about the other felt like being crushed little by little, he knew better than to throw a fit over it. Knew more that if you care about somebody, their happiness is comes first. He was a hopeless romantic that way, and it killed him every time.

Regardless, even though she knew how he felt, the night passed with no “incident”. And while slightly disappointed, he accepted the fact that it would never be. And that made it a little easier when it came to the long journey of moving on. Because, not even he knew completely, but it was much more than a simple crush. It began as such, but it had evolved into more very quickly. So much so, that not until his heart almost jumped out of his chest and a lump formed on his throat when she told him that her feelings were for another, did he realize the extent of how much his “crush”, had grown. Not quite into falling in love, but close nonetheless. And that made things complicated. He didn’t like complicated. So when it came to confessing, he downplayed the enormity of his real feelings. Because he was not interested in the slightest, on making her feel bad or guilty when the inevitable rejection came. He knew it was going to end that way from the beginning. He didn’t have much to offer, he wasn’t “pretty”, and his self-confidence took a nose dive straight underground after his previous relationship fell apart.

Some time has passed. He had a terrible car accident, and had to move back in with the ex and kids. It has been nice to be with the kids again. He missed them. But now the situation went in somewhat the opposite direction. His ex, seemingly unable to do anything by herself when he’s around, is constantly wanting attention and things to be done. She rationalizes this massive physical and emotional drain on him by simply saying that it’s not easy to be a stay at home mom. Yes, he’s been a stay at home father for a few months, and it was indeed difficult. But not impossible.

More time has passed and he has grown closer with the new friend. Now, one could say that he was “friend zoned” but he knows better than that. Not to mention, isn’t that a better alternative than being completely cut off from being a part of her life? But I digress. They have become better friends, and spoken about many things both silly and pointless, to deep and very personal. He is extremely grateful for being a part of her life, and more so for being valued as a friend as well. Naturally, he wishes to be more than that. But that, along with the pain, will fade with time.

Now there is the possibility of moving out of the apartment where his family lives, and move in with the friend. And he is experiencing many mixed feelings regarding this massive change in his life. Mostly because his kids will be farther away, and more difficult to go visit. However, this may prove to be the opportunity he has been waiting for. For the last 5 years, he has wanted nothing more than to have a great roommate, get back into writing. And that is just what he has been up to. Eating healthier, being more active both physically and mentally. And life is slowly getting better. He has something to look forward to. Which hasn’t been the case in about 2 years. He loves his kids, but there is no freedom to improve and better himself as things are now. And he feels responsible for making sure he is able to be a better provider for his children.

However, there are now several opportunities to do so. The first, is a burning desire to fix his deplorable physical state. He has slacked off for 3 years, and it’s time to get back on it and become better, stronger, and healthier. Secondly, is the necessity to improve mental acuity, memory, and wit. Oddly enough, the spark for this massive uptick in the drive for self-improvement, began with the rejection. It boils down to feeling like he is simply not good enough. And that bothers him more than almost anything else.

So with this in mind, his journey towards self-improvement and self-actualization began. Inspired, after a defeat. And the attaining of an amazing new friend. Whom he worries about constantly.

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