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Worst Presents to Give This Christmas

Updated on December 1, 2019

It is the holiday season again. Once again it’s time to trot out the holiday gift guides to let you know what’s hot, what electronic gadgets are in this season, and what toys you’ll never see again past President’s Day. The whole gift giving process would be a lot easier if it were far more culturally acceptable to tell people exactly what we wanted, or to ask, or to just give an acceptable cash amount so that others can experience the joy of treating themselves. However, if you do not know what to get this Christmas, this least can at least help you with what not to get.

For the Children: Fortnite Merch

Children can be fickle, capricious, and hard to shop for. Between their unrealistic ideas, a lack of concept of money, and short-term interest, you will likely go wrong unless you’ve got the updated list from last night. As to the worst thing to get a child, they have already been presented with the worst gift possible: an apocalyptic disaster zone wracked by climate catastrophe of which we show no sign of seriously trying to avert. So, I dunno, perhaps just get them Fortnight Merch, which will hopefully be valued as currency in the ravaged future they will inhabit.

A perfect nightmare for the dystopian future
A perfect nightmare for the dystopian future

For the Millennials: Avocado Toast and a Pumpkin Spice Latte

Sure, they’d much rather get stable employment with decent wages, student debt relief, affordable housing, healthcare, or literally anything else Bernie Sanders is promising to accomplish. Instead, trust the clickbait, outrage media that seems to think avocados cost the equivalent of a month’s rent on the East Coast, that toast is a precious metal, and that a coffee beverage with frothy milk is a luxury purchase that will drain one’s life savings. On the plus side, once they’ve tasted that sweet nectar, they’ll be too poor or busy Instagramming, or something to bother you again. However, if you’re a fellow millennial, just get them a candle. Apple pie is a nice ubiquitous scent.

For Boomers: Applebees Giftcards

Give the boomer in your life what they really want this holiday season. Sure, they may seem like they would really enjoy the latest Amazon Echo, a Kindle, or some new Nikon camera; however, they’ll never figure out how to use the first after you set it up and go home, the second won’t get touched because they’re busy watching NCIS reruns, and the last will get used and then never picked up again because they can’t find the battery charger the two times a year they think to get it off of whatever closest shelf they put it on. Instead of putting thought into the gift this year, save yourself the time and grab those Applebees giftcards. Give them the taste of the suburbs this year, and don’t forget to let them know that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself. They’re the only ones who don’t know yet.

It's blandness you can taste on sight!
It's blandness you can taste on sight!

For the Elderly: A Card Signed by Their Grandkids

When it comes to gift giving, the elderly, who have had decades to fill their houses with every piece of tat imaginable, have little left on the list that they find themselves needing. And, our cultural media seems to believe that all they really want is to be visited by their family, and maybe get a phone call from that distant cousin of yours teaching English overseas. However, what they really want is the newest Xbox with the latest Call of Duty. They’re retired. They’ve got loads of time on their hands. And, they really want to lay it on those whipper-snappers who are too busy staying inside and not giving the elderly the chance to yell at them to get off their lawn. Instead of that, make sure to spend a good and solid extra minute at the shop to carefully select a card from the endcap as you’re making your way to the register.

For Rich Friends: 737 Max

Are you a fellow rich person? Do you also dislike your fellow rich people as much as the youth do? Get them the gift that is not only an ostentatious show of wealth, but also shows you think your intended recipient likes to live dangerously. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to splurge extra after dropping a few billion for things like upgraded safety features and redundant sensors. Sure, they can’t also fly the plane anywhere, but once aviation authorities finally are bribed, I mean, lift the ban because the plane is clearly safe to fly again, then your fellow rich friend can experience all the joys of potentially being crashed into the ground. Spread the Christmas cheer indeed!

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