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Writing an autobiography!

Updated on January 6, 2012

Author: W. K. Hayes

The Biography Contract

This makes my third day of writing weblogs in a row. For me, the discovery of writing a weblog is like a child getting their first ice cream cone. I am so happy to find a place to write about my life in hopes that it helps make other’s lives a little easier.

Truth be known, I’m under contract to produce an autobiography and have it turned in by March 1st, 2011. Too bad I’m not under contract to write about space aliens with slimy green fingers and big bulging eyes trying to take over the world. Fact is, I would rather be writing a book about the growth cycle of a snail than to face the dreaded torture of recounting my life's history and for good reasons.

Let’s see, my dad split when I was five, spent a few years in an orphanage. Worked on a farm to buy clothes and school supplies from seven until fourteen. Started cutting grass to make money, on the weekends and got a huge case of Poison Oak and swelled up like some red-faced alien. Had kids pick on me all throughout school and had teachers who thought they were there to read books while maintaining the personalities of the undead, walking amongst us.

Then, there’s the fun-filled part where I was told that I would probably be dead by the time I hit my mid-thirties thanks to Chrohn’s Disease. Yea, that was a cheerful moment for a twenty year-old mind.

Five years later, I met a woman I still don’t believe I fell in love with. But, after living a sheltered life, I couldn’t tell the difference between Satan’s real life mother and a good woman. So, lucky me…I got hooked up the first versus the latter. Spent nine years under lock-and-key in that relationship. Seriously, I could not go to the bathroom without being asked where I was going. I wasn’t allowed to succeed at anything I tried to do and I was not allowed to have friends.

When my mom passed away, I made my great escape and started focusing on ways of making my life better. Granted, the first girlfriend I had was the mother of Yin and Yang. One day, she was all lovable and the next day, she was whiny, moody and flat-out weird. The next girlfriend after that is a little possessive natured but she’s got a great heart and a wonderful sense of humor and she doesn’t keep me from my dreams…99% of the time. Just kissing honey.

Viola! You have my life story and yet, somehow, I have to stretch these past forty years into some long-winded exhortation about a life that only a therapist on Zantacs, could bear to hear.

On the other hand, I have always wanted to write a book about my life and I believe it was that stupid part of me that agreed to the contract. Too bad the smarter side of me was on break at the time or I would have passed. Now, I’ve got no choice but to get the book, done.

Three hundred pages of every, miserable memory I would just as soon forget and leave buried in the past. Fact is…it’s almost worth paying the $300 to get out of the contract just to avoid the headache. However, there’s still that little voice in the corner of my mind, telling me to write the autobiography and knock it out of the box.

Then, earlier today, I had an epiphany! Much of my life stinks like a skunk in heat. However, it is all those hardships that have given me experiences that others can learn from. Fact is, if enough people read my book and my blogs, they can take the easier paths, in life, while avoiding the things I have suffered through the years. So, with that thought in mind, I’ll force myself to write the autobiography while posting the stories and morals of the stories on here for everyone to read.

Above all else, I do have an obsessive-compulsive disorder towards helping others. I cannot stand to see someone needing help and not helping them. To simply stand idle and do nothing, would drive me nuts.

Ultimately, I’m dreading writing the autobiography, ‘Shoot me now’, but I will do it knowing that it might help you out in some way…even if you run out of toilet paper and find the pages of my book irresistably soft.

Thanks for reading my article...slash whine-fest. Have a great day and remember, if you get asked to write an autobiogrpahy, really consider whether or not you really want to before agreeing to do so.


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