You Know You're Old When . . .
Nose Hairs & Descending Jowls, Oh Boy!
Aging, Part 1
You KNOW you are old when . . .
• You consciously combine any 3 of the following sartorial elements in the same outfit — and then venture out in public(!): pastels, houndstooth, logo gear, stripes, sharkskin, Hawaiian prints, rodeo piping, anything with more than 5 zippers, oxblood, shoelaces with objects on their ends, animal prints, anything labeled ‘Members Only’.
• You have Boz Scaggs' Lido Shuffle on 8-track.
• You have the recurring nightmare of staying up half the night, trying to type that final English Lit essay on onion-skin paper, without using either a sheet of carbon paper or a bottle of white-out.
• Butter is one of your basic food groups.
Lose the Shoes
Maturing, Part 2
• They don’t make TVs loud enough, nor newspaper type, or cell phone or remote buttons big enough anymore.
• You care what your garden actually looks like to passersby.
• Your latest driver’s license renewal mandated a vision test.
• You think Julie Christie is (was) hot.
Don't Tip Over, Now!
Gaining Life Experience, Part 3
• ‘Sleeping in on Saturday’ means you won’t awaken to having to go to the bathroom until at least 5:41 a. m.
• You realize you’re the only person in the elevator singing along to “Walk away, Renée”.
• Cracker Barrel is your new happening hangout.
• You wish more Presidential candidates were like Ike.
A Little Worse for Wear
Advancing, Part 4
• Your closet contains a ‘really nice’ sweater older than your eldest child.
• Your closet contains 3 or more such sweaters.
• You can’t understand why others aren’t starving by 5:10 p. m.
• When you say “I just don’t get music these days”, you’re still talking about David Bowie.
Crabby Pants Personified
Improving, Part 5
• Even after a little fooling around, a 5-hour nap, a really good BM, your favorite cheesecake, and a steaming mug of coffee in front of a Matlock rerun you don’t quite recall, you still only feel so-so.
• You recognize automobile makes by the shapes of their fins.
• You resent those ‘damn neighbor kids’ riding their bikes across your tree lawn.
• You are convinced that the lottery’s gonna change your life.
Reelin' In The Years, Part 6
• You have enlisted anyone more than 3 decades younger than you to assist with your smartphone.
• You can’t understand why others think black nylon socks with tan sandals and plaid shorts are somehow unfashionable.
• Your favorite lunch meat is pimiento loaf.
• At a party, you make an offhand remark including the phrase “ . . . the Howdy Doody Show . . .” and everyone halts conversation, open-mouthed, and stares at you uncomprehendingly.
Gettin' Fit, At Last!
Kissing It All Goodbye, Part 7
• You have more than one gnome in your back yard, and they weren’t gifts.
• You know what an icebox was.
• You spend more than 11 minutes with the daily newspaper, every single day.
• Your idea of a ‘naughty night’ involves HBO, a red scarf tossed over the lampshade, and cocktails containing fruit.
Heading Toward the Light, Part 8
• you prefer soft foods.
• You don’t dare look at your backside in a mirror (even if you could).
• One of your daily challenges is recalling just how many pills of which color to take at what time, and with or without food.
• You can recall when Christopher Plummer was a leading man.
• You read this entire list hoping to Jesus Christ himself that at least one of them wasn’t true.
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