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You Know You're Old When . . .
You KNOW you are old when . . .
• you consciously combine any 3 of the following sartorial elements in the same outfit — and then venture out in public(!): pastels, houndstooth, logo gear, stripes, sharkskin, Hawaiian prints, rodeo piping, anything with more than 5 zippers, oxblood, shoelaces with objects on their ends, animal prints, anything labeled ‘Members Only’.
• you have Boz Scaggs' Lido Shuffle on 8-track.
• you have the recurring nightmare of staying up half the night, trying to type that final English Lit essay on onion-skin paper, without using either a sheet of carbon paper or a bottle of white-out.
• butter is one of your basic food groups.
• they don’t make TVs loud enough, nor newspaper type, or cell phone or remote buttons big enough anymore.
• you care what your garden actually looks like to passersby.
• your latest driver’s license renewal mandated a vision test.
• you think Julie Christie is hot.
• ‘sleeping in on Saturday’ means you won’t awaken to having to go to the bathroom until at least 5:41 a. m.
• you realize you’re the only person in the elevator singing along to “Walk away, Renée”.
• Cracker Barrel is your new happening hangout.
• you wish more Presidential candidates were like Ike.
• your closet contains a ‘really nice’ sweater older than your eldest child.
• your closet contains 3 or more such sweaters.
• you can’t understand why others aren’t starving by 5:10 p. m.
• when you say “I just don’t get music these days”, you’re still talking about David Bowie.
• even after sex, a 5-hour nap, a really good BM, your favorite cheesecake, and a steaming mug of coffee in front of a Matlock rerun you don’t quite recall, you still only feel so-so.
• you recognize automobile makes by the shapes of their fins.
• you resent those ‘damn neighbor kids’ riding their bikes across your tree lawn.
• you are convinced that the lottery’s gonna change your life.
• you have enlisted anyone more than 3 decades younger than you to assist with your smartphone.
• you can’t understand why others think black nylon socks with tan sandals and plaid shorts are somehow unfashionable.
• your favorite lunch meat is pimiento loaf.
• at a party, you make an offhand remark including the phrase “ . . . the Howdy Doody Show . . .” and everyone halts conversation, open-mouthed, and stares at you uncomprehendingly.
• you have more than one gnome in your back yard, and they weren’t gifts.
• you know what an icebox was.
• you spend more than 11 minutes with the daily newspaper, every single day.
• your idea of a ‘naughty night’ involves HBO, a red scarf tossed over the lampshade, and cocktails containing fruit.
• you prefer soft foods.
• you don’t dare look at your backside in a mirror.
• one of your daily challenges is recalling just how many pills of which color to take at what time, and with or without food.
• you can recall when Christopher Plummer was a leading man.
• you read this entire list hoping to Jesus Christ himself that at least one of them wasn’t true.
- How to Outfit a Dorm Room
Happy Dorm Room! by rlz Sure, every university sends along reminders telling you and your student what to bring to campus. And, of course, every retailer in the country has a list of all their stuff you should buy for Mr. or Ms. College...
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How safe is your facility? Annually there are a million personal injury slip/trip/fall incidents and thousands of fatalities across the U.S., many of them involving walks, ramps, stairs and steps. We are all susceptible to falls involving ramps,...
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- Designing Parking Lots
With virtual seas of asphalt seeming to stretch from horizon to horizon, some would say we have sacrificed far too much of our world to the automobile. But the effective design of parking lots is essential to the proper functioning of 21st Century...
- How to Draw (Sketch)
Crayon Mickey There are those who feel they can't draw a straight line to save their lives. Others think they have no talent for art at all. Well, I'm here to tell you that anyone can draw. Just follow along with me, and you'll be drawing in no...
- How to Use Mind Over Matter
Things seem too tough to manage? Read on! by rlz Ever wonder how Einstein came up with the theory of relativity? Have you wished for a ‘Eureka!’ moment like Archimedes, settling into his bath? Tired of all the other guys and gals getting the...
- How to Talk to Women and Live to Tell
Conversing with women (and surviving the experience) is far more than a highly developed skill; it's an art! Let the maestro guide you through the maelstrom of speaking with the...
- Enjoy Growing Old!
Are you a Boomer feeling like you’re about to go Bust? Wondering what could possibly be golden about the Golden Years? Have no fear — I am here to point out that there are many...
- Enjoy Paying Your Taxes
Are you ready to join a Tea Party? Frustrated sending money year after year to the IRS? Fed up with the taxman? Well, I’ve got some relief for you right here. Read on, and you’ll learn how to enjoy...
- You Are a Potato!
Are you a middle-aging guy who gets bluer and bluer each time you glance in the mirror? Beginning to resemble your Dad a bit too much? In a scary way? Take heart — and let me help...
- Bitter Old Lady
Of course, I’m bitter! What the @#+*?% else do you expect, you whippersnapper! You try donning some frothy blue-white Bozo-wig to cover your disappearing iron-gray wisps and tell me how you...
- You Know You're Getting Old When . . .
Now where did that flag go? — you have painted those rocks at the edge of your driveway white. — you start to think a pastel warm-up suit makes a pretty snappy outfit for going out in public. — trips...