You Know You're Old When . . .
You KNOW you are old when . . .
• you consciously combine any 3 of the following sartorial elements in the same outfit — and then venture out in public(!): pastels, houndstooth, logo gear, stripes, sharkskin, Hawaiian prints, rodeo piping, anything with more than 5 zippers, oxblood, shoelaces with objects on their ends, animal prints, anything labeled ‘Members Only’.
• you have Boz Scaggs' Lido Shuffle on 8-track.
• you have the recurring nightmare of staying up half the night, trying to type that final English Lit essay on onion-skin paper, without using either a sheet of carbon paper or a bottle of white-out.
• butter is one of your basic food groups.
• they don’t make TVs loud enough, nor newspaper type, or cell phone or remote buttons big enough anymore.
• you care what your garden actually looks like to passersby.
• your latest driver’s license renewal mandated a vision test.
• you think Julie Christie is hot.
• ‘sleeping in on Saturday’ means you won’t awaken to having to go to the bathroom until at least 5:41 a. m.
• you realize you’re the only person in the elevator singing along to “Walk away, Renée”.
• Cracker Barrel is your new happening hangout.
• you wish more Presidential candidates were like Ike.
• your closet contains a ‘really nice’ sweater older than your eldest child.
• your closet contains 3 or more such sweaters.
• you can’t understand why others aren’t starving by 5:10 p. m.
• when you say “I just don’t get music these days”, you’re still talking about David Bowie.
• even after sex, a 5-hour nap, a really good BM, your favorite cheesecake, and a steaming mug of coffee in front of a Matlock rerun you don’t quite recall, you still only feel so-so.
• you recognize automobile makes by the shapes of their fins.
• you resent those ‘damn neighbor kids’ riding their bikes across your tree lawn.
• you are convinced that the lottery’s gonna change your life.
• you have enlisted anyone more than 3 decades younger than you to assist with your smartphone.
• you can’t understand why others think black nylon socks with tan sandals and plaid shorts are somehow unfashionable.
• your favorite lunch meat is pimiento loaf.
• at a party, you make an offhand remark including the phrase “ . . . the Howdy Doody Show . . .” and everyone halts conversation, open-mouthed, and stares at you uncomprehendingly.
• you have more than one gnome in your back yard, and they weren’t gifts.
• you know what an icebox was.
• you spend more than 11 minutes with the daily newspaper, every single day.
• your idea of a ‘naughty night’ involves HBO, a red scarf tossed over the lampshade, and cocktails containing fruit.
• you prefer soft foods.
• you don’t dare look at your backside in a mirror.
• one of your daily challenges is recalling just how many pills of which color to take at what time, and with or without food.
• you can recall when Christopher Plummer was a leading man.
• you read this entire list hoping to Jesus Christ himself that at least one of them wasn’t true.
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