Your(still lost) Friend - A Letter
Hi there, hope you recognize me. Me? I am your long lost friend. Yes, same friend who wanted to say so many things to you; who wanted to share so much with you. The same friend, who wanted to share every reason of her smile with you but who, lost one smile when she lost you. The same friend who thought we would share every drop of tear with each other; your tear and my tear. I am the same friend who sought solace in the comfort of your shoulders when her eyes were too blurry to see anything else. Who had her arms always open for you to cry into whenever you needed to, I am the same friend. Whose frail shoulders were strong enough to share your burden and….always waited for you to share! Maybe I could not unburden weight of your words, but I could always just listen to them, making a place for them in my heart too.
Who always dreamt of telling each other about our favourite movies and somehow finding a way to watch those movies together; I am the same friend. But, I am the same friend who could not even ask you, how many of the known flicks are unknown to you. Yet who still dreamt of sharing a tub of popcorn with you while watching these movies, I am the same friend.
I am the same friend who shared her kind of music with you, with only you. Somehow she was convinced rest of the world could not understand her choices. It was easier when you insisted that I share and when in return you shared your kind of music with me. I understood that you did not always like my kind of instrumental and I did not always like your kind of “Bollywood music”. But still….you shared and I shared. Yes, I am the same friend who still, always waited for your response on those music links, any reply; just one word. Even after understanding that probably you have not liked them or maybe have not even heard them.
A friend who always waited for your reaction on my stories which you encouraged to share; yes I am the same friend.
“I am not perfect”; I am the same friend who always told you this. There were always fair chances of me losing my temper abruptly on things I could not tolerate, or when I felt you’re crossing the line. So yes who had anger issues, I am the same friend. I may get angry when I feel the difference in you; and then still I would tell myself that I am wrong. That my interpretation is wrong, you do not reply because you really are busy; not for other reasons unknown. Who always told herself that you have your own life and you’re not bound to me, I am the same friend. But you know what…..I am also the same friend who failed today. Who failed to hold on to that faith; and probably I failed you. I failed your trust too, that I shall always trust you, understand you.
No, I could not understand you. I could not when all rationale thought went out of my mind and only hurt took its place. Hurt, which was again most likely illogical. But then emotions are illogical, aren’t they? Besides emotional injuries not only are so but are also perceived as nonsensical. You know, it even felt nonsensical! Maybe, it is true I gave you too much power. Maybe the depth of emotions was too much, too harmful, even if you were my best friend. Maybe I loved you too much; or maybe I did not love myself enough in the right way as I should have. Maybe, just maybe my heart should have followed my brain and given each other enough space. So that when it was finally time, we could walk away from each other in one piece. Yet, who could not gather the courage to say ‘Goodbye’ still, I am the same friend.
The same friend, who always wished for this hug of friendship to last for a lifetime; and yet who would have hugged you like it was for the last time. Who yearned to treasure your trust for her and to nourish my trust for you; yet who could not let go of her fears, I am the same friend. Who prayed for our friendship to be the pillar of our lives, yet who wanted to be prepared for any eventuality, I am that friend.
Who had started this letter as your ‘long lost friend’; but who, in her heart still considers you as her ‘friend forever’, I am that friend.
So, maybe it is time to say cheerio now, my friend; with a promise to see each other hopefully later.
Your (still lost) friend
© 2018 Charu Bhatnagar