ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Books & Novels»
  • Fiction

Zombie Warfare Preparation: Immobilize First, Then Go For the Kill

Updated on September 1, 2012
You'll Never Be Prepared When The Zombie Apocalypse Actually Happens
You'll Never Be Prepared When The Zombie Apocalypse Actually Happens | Source

You know the situation

The dead have risen.

With that, they have declared war on the living. No, they did not have a zombie diplomat deliver papers to the head of our government saying that we have irreconcilable differences and will be doing their darndest to annihilate anything with a pulse. They will simply shamble their stinking body over to you and try to eat your brains.

Remember, your opponent is an undead automation that does not need to eat, sleep, breathe, think, or go to the bathroom. Only a kill shot to the head will stop it permanently. Severing its head will not kill a zombie, it simply means that you have a living zombie head souvenir. So, it’s always important destroy and dispose of the zombie’s gray matter – not only to get rid of the zombie, but to also rid yourself any possibility of further contagion. Remember, they may not have a working body, but they do have a working mouth with teeth.

And accidents happen.

I am not the first person to propose zombie combat techniques and I’m certainly not going to be the last, but any reasonable plan in the event of a zombie apocalypse is certainly something you should store in your mind, provided that there is a reasonable, logical action behind it. For example, many of the so-called experts on zombie combat will recommend automatic weapons and flame throwers to be part of your arsenal. I disagree whole heartedly.

Let the idiots go all full metal jacket on an opponent that can pretty much use lead as a vitamin. I prefer to play it smart. If you are engulfed in a zombie apocalypse, you need to think long term. You need to economize. And you need to think of stealth and what you can do without ammo.

What is your preferred weapon against the undead?

See results

A Simple Battle Plan for Your Fortification

Chances are that when a zombie apocalypse happens, you’ll be relatively unprepared.

Really! Let’s remember that up until the incidents of “bath salts” and sudden occurrences of cannibalism on some of the homeless, we all have treated the concept of zombie warfare as fiction. It’s an intellectual exercise that we indulge in when we can’t think of real world battle scenarios of a Soviet invasion on our home soil.

We normally think of what we can do to living opponents which is a matter of some number crunching and use of conventional warfare where we know the exact biological limitations of our enemies. We know that battle with human insurgents are always dependent upon whether that army can be led, bred, and fed.

With zombie warfare, those rules don’t apply because each undead automation has its mission preprogrammed into it and does not require any kind of nutritional fortification or leadership. Its army is raised by either contagion or by thinning out your ranks.

You, as a private citizen, are not going to get any warning about a zombie incursion. The expectation is that the government and the media are not going to tell you anything until it’s too late. So, your first warning will be the stinking undead walker that seems to be focused on you and those scrumptious edible muscles you have. Chances are you’ll be doing your usual business of working, playing, exercising, gardening, or just plain watching TV.

Whatever it is, it will almost certainly NOT be checking your supply of dry goods and making sure your anti-zombie moat is good to go.

Most people do not own guns. Sadly, I’m one of those people. I won’t be the one to tell you to get your Colt 1911 and check your supply of cartridges. And while I am a dead shot, gun play is not my first impulse. As a home owner, I will need to work with what I have around the house first. That includes shovels, hammers, axes, butcher knives, machetes, fishing nets, rocks, and fireplace pokers.

Also, you will vary your battle plans in accordance to the season. Summer strategies may not be as easily implemented as some things that you can do in the winter or snow settings.

In any season, my battle plan will consist of doing two things: immobilizing the enemy and moving in for the “kill”.

Summer season fighting will require you to set up some natural choke points on your property. What I would recommend is the making of some kind of lubricant that you can spread around your perimeter. Given that your enemy does not have the reasoning skills to do anything other than what its impulses will lead it to do, if you have some kind of trap that will not only allow it to slip, fall, and keep it from getting up, you will be able to use what you have on hand at your leisure.

A net in a well-marked area will certainly work when it is either dropped on the enemy or laid as a snare trap. Once the zombie is immobilized a pitchfork to the eye or even a broomstick with a knife tied to in (in a bayonet fashion) will save you time and energy. The zombie will struggle until you “take it out”.

A winter strategy might work best with the use of a garden hose and water. When you create that layer of nearly invisible thin ice, you’ll have the zombie injure and possibly break its own arms or legs in the fall. Should you be able to incapacitate them in this manner, you’ll be able to dispose of them with minimum effort.

Final Words

In reality, we all know that the possibility of a zombie apocalypse is not likely to ever happen.

What’s more probable is that you’ll be watching a zombie movie and you’ll be thinking to yourself when the hero or heroine gets trapped in a house surrounded by zombies what you’d do differently. There is also the scenario that you’ll be participating in some kind of zombie run and you’ll need to think fast on how to avoid the zombies while not doing anything to incapacitate them – because we need to remember that they are just volunteer actors who are just doing this for the fun of it.

You have to remember that actors are people, too – despite how they eat.

It is a sad testament to my own mind that I actually do have a real battle plan for my own property in the event of a real zombie apocalypse. It involves an eight foot platform, some bait, and a long dangerous sledge hammer. With enough supplies, I could probably hold them off until the seasons change for the worse.

But that’s just me. More responsible people concentrate on the skills they need to be prosperous in their own professions – to do the monotonous thing they do day in and day out without thinking.

All in all, this is just a distraction. It’s what we all do to keep from letting the horrible realities of life from getting us down. We as ordinary people like to escape our mundane lives and manufacture ways to survive against the assault of an impossible, nearly indestructible opponent. And in doing so, we create the very thing that puts zest into our own lives and brings the part of our brain that makes us giggle to life.

And that’s the actual benefit to living.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • cperuzzi profile image

      Christopher Peruzzi 5 years ago from Freehold, NJ

      Apologies about the poll. I, being the second worst editor in the world, spelled "knife" wrong. Rather than make myself look like a complete idiot, I corrected the spelling - which wiped out the results of the poll. If you haven't done the poll yet - or if you have - it's a great opportunity to weigh in.

    • cperuzzi profile image

      Christopher Peruzzi 5 years ago from Freehold, NJ

      Do not underestimate a fireplace poker. Most of the time, it's cast iron. Ironically, it's thin and light enough to do a good bit of damage to a skull. Plus, with shovels, axes, fireplace pokers, and pitchforks - they don't ever need to be reloaded.

    • Patty Kenyon profile image

      Patty Kenyon 5 years ago from Ledyard, Connecticut

      When watching zombie movies or the Walking Dead, I often think of how I would handle the situation. I do not own a gun, but do have a sledgehammer, axe, lots of different types of knives, fireplace pokers, shovels, etc...hmmm, not sure of weapon of choice, although I would like a reinvented crossbow that shoots all different type of projectiles and I still need a pitchfork.

      I really enjoyed this Hub!!! Voted Up, Useful, Funny, Awesome, Interesting, and Shared!!!

    • cperuzzi profile image

      Christopher Peruzzi 5 years ago from Freehold, NJ

      You may still get your chance. The eve of the millennium is almost upon us when you check it against the Mayan calendar. If for some reason that should make zombies arise, then you'd have something.

      Although, I may have to say, a shotgun is not an ideal weapon against the living dead. Normally a shotgun is used for its sheer stopping power against the living. Against the dead, you just need one shot to the head. Granted, using a shotgun to blow the head off, is also another plan.

    • Craig Hartranft profile image

      Craig Hartranft 5 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

      A bought a Mossberg Persuader shotgun on the eve of the millennium just in case that would be the zombie apocalypse. I still keep it handy. But if it comes, as Steve Buscemi's character said in Armageddon, 'It's time to embrace the horror.' Or conversely, as the late Rodney King said, 'Can't we all just get along.'

    • mejohnson profile image

      mejohnson 5 years ago

      You have put a lot of thought into this. Makes me wonder if you know something I don't. Lol. Great read & I think I'd take the shovel or the crossbow.

    • Dominique L profile image

      Dominique L 5 years ago from Oregon

      That's kind of what I was thinking with the barbed wire. It would slow them down or even stop them so you could do what you need to.

      You would probably need a crossbow (like the one Daryl uses) and if you work as a team against a small group, it may work, to send someone in to get the arrows again, or draw the still standing ones away so you can get your arrows back.

    • cperuzzi profile image

      Christopher Peruzzi 5 years ago from Freehold, NJ

      A bow and arrow isn't a terrible choice - the limitation being the number of arrow you have, the fact that you have to retrieve the arrows, and you need to make sure that it's a powerful draw to break the solid bone and muscle barrier for the exact frontal lobe of the brain to destroy the zombie.

      I use the word "automation" because these things don't think rationally. They react like it was a program.

      A chain link fence would do against a small number of zombies. Against a large horde, the very weight of them pushing against each other would cause it to eventually collapse. However, for the less than 10, pull a "Rick" by attracting the zombie and then pushing a knife through its eye.

      Barbed wire is good but not in the conventional sense. If you dug a pit and laid razor wire on the bottom, the zombie would eventually get immobilized and cut itself up. The immobilization would be the thing to go for. You could then destroy it with a spear, or shovel (depending on the depth of the moat)

    • Dominique L profile image

      Dominique L 5 years ago from Oregon

      The things people think to keep themselves amused.

      Now I think about it, your use of the word automaton in relation to zombies is interesting. It seems to me like zombies are the new versions of robots. Except they don't snatch women for no reason.

      Anyway, I chose a bow and arrow because you can get distance, though you would have to chose your target carefully, as they're useless in a group.

      So here's my questions: How about a chain link fence around your house? I'm flashing back to The Walking Dead comics when they were in the prison and they decided to go out and knife some zombies through the fence every day. I know people who have chain link fences around their house for other reasons, and it seems like that would be good, again, unless you got a really big group. And, just as an aside, how useful do you think barbed wire would be against zombies? (It seems like I may have asked that before. Don't answer if I have)