Cement Dinosaurs May be Attracting Asteroids

Fears that asteroid impacts might destroy the historic desert roadside attractions which feature large cement dinosaur sculptures, have recently surged. By artificially creating replicas of these ancient beasts we may have put ourselves in great peril.

Scholarly scientific theories postulate that ancient asteroids were originally attracted to this planet by the threat of excessive dinosaur populations.

So, about a buzzillion years ago, the overabundance of dinosaurs was wiped out by a mega-asteroid which took care of the troublesome stupendous reptiles, triggered unusual volcanic activity, and created the Gulf of Mexico while producing worldwide atmospheric conditions resembling those currently considered normal in populous Chinese cities.

At that time scientific and archeological evidence older than a buzzillion years was wiped out, and continents were set adrift.

Now, I know that those attractive roadside dinosaur parks were most prolific way back in the 50's, but think about it. We are talking about SPACE stuff here.

We know that it takes a long time for information to traverse astronomical distances. Those killer asteroids may not have noticed that the dinos seem to have returned.

All those plastic and cement and fiberglass dinosaurs that evolved along the long boring highways between western national parks in the middle of the last century were also supplemented by a phetora scary horror films featuring Horibillis Rex, Gorgonzola Maximus, Mothzilla, and the Homicidal Tomatoes.

These frightful prehistoric beasts became inexplicably popular at about the same time. It makes sense that the far out asteroids of a half century ago began to feel an urge to aim themselves toward planet Earth again, in order to wipe out this newly evolved cultural and aesthetic threat, which was previously presumed to be eradicated a buzzillion years ago -- minus 60 or so years.

Some people regard the earlier event as a major catastrophe. However, let's consider the objective reality. There would have been some negatives as well as positives if the alleged buzzillion year-old cataclysm between earth and asteroid had not taken place.

1.) All of those prehistoric monsters consumed lots of trees, if they didn't consume each other. What would the avid environmentalists do if this collision had not happened? There would have been far fewer trees to protect by now.

Dinosaurs would presumably be unimpressed by activists chained to trees they wantonly intended to consume. Also, if the creatures wantonly consumed all of those things, including the trees, chains and activists, there would be no one left to protect the environment.

2.) Traffic would have been impossible. What would interstate highways and metro freeways be like if we still had all those dinosaurs and their progeny stomping around?

I mean... some of those things were bigger and slower than today's 18 wheelers loaded with all the vital hazardous materials we need these days. Can you imagine trying to traverse the Grapevine on I-5 along with a half a dozen slothful Brachiosauruses, who never make off-road bathroom stops or respect traffic control message boards?

3.) A major American cultural phenomenon, known as the Gulf Coast Malaise Curiosity, which includes insufferable humidity, mossquitoes (mosquitoes so large they grow moss on them), sublime Dixieland Jazz and scathing Cajun gumbo, could have never developed without the creation of the Gulf of Mexico and the Gulf Coast. (Of course, we COULD have evolved sufficiently without any of these --with the possible exception of Dixieland Jazz.)

4.) The irrefutable evidence of distinctive footprints which would have proved that Bigfoot did exist and did dance the fox-trot would not have been irretrievably obliterated.

5.) The continents would have still been all stuck together, making it almost impossible to tell which country people -- especially the English -- properly belonged in, and making the voyages of Amerigo Vespucci, Eric the Red, and Columbus relatively insignificant.

The point is: We need to accept the fact that occasional asteroid impacts are a natural part of everyday life.Some good and some bad will come from it. Some things are just out of our control.

In the meantime, we can't help the dinosaurs, so do something kind for a human person. It's really the only positive thing we can do.