chronicles of the geri-zonder commando
imagine you've just entered the nursing home,... and rather than seeing one of those sacrine pamphlets that usually accompany a new visit to a long term care facility, you read through the terrifyingly honest brochure you were handed in your welcome basket..... imagine if the nursing home were brutally honest about your future with them,.....
welcome to safe haven!
We in the health care industry pride ourselves on the quality of care that we provide to you. This is measured by the continuance of respiration's in our valued clients.
Are you a grandfather, a great aunt, mother, daughter,…. Beloved husband or wife?… no matter, you are a complete stranger to us,… And you will remain a stranger to us,… we care equally for stranger and family alike,… that would not be possible if we got to know you, then we would have no strangers to care for,…. Thereby negating one of our clever slogans we print on coffee cups. We simply do not have time to dream up new slogans,… We’re very busy caring for you.
Your safety and freedom at Safe Haven
We will house you in our state approved facility and give you all the dignity and respect that can be taught in a 3 hour state required annual seminar.
You will be protected by our state of the art security system, your every move monitored, your exit prevented at all known points of entry for your safety.
Remember that you have complete freedom here at Safe Haven,… you are free to go and do as you please as long as it is within the parameters of our rules and schedules, and provided it doesn’t infringe upon the rights of any other residents or inconvenience our dedicated caring staff.
better living through modern chemistry,... we have meds for that!
Every one has the chance to become the next million dollar man or bionic woman,… we have the knowledge, we have the technology,… you too can become a valued client.
Apatite poor? No worries, we have stimulants for that.
Weight loss? We can’t have that,… we have supplements for that.
Depression, anxiety?… We have meds for that.
Erratic behavior disturbing other clients or inconveniencing our dedicated staff?,.. We have meds for that too.
Problems swallowing?… We have ways around that,… we can thicken your drinks and puree your foods,…. Coffee looks like caffeinated snot, unless its de-caff,… then its low octane snot,… Now drink your coffee honey,.. It’ll help wash down the pureed peas.
Having accidents? No worries there either,… we have pull-ups, briefs, diapers and pads for that,… and when that becomes too much of a bother for you(us) we have catheters so that one more thing can hanging off of your wheel chair,… try and think of it as an accessory,… like the bling that’s already hanging out of your side from your colostomy bag.
Apatite poor in spite of stimulants?… no bother, quick trip through surgery and you can get a feeding tube so that you can eat without the hassle of waking up,… or arguing about what it tasted like.
You have a state mandated right to participate in your plan of care,… now participate honey,.. Take your pills.
Know your Rights!
You will never be physically restrained. (we can chemically restrain you instead, we have meds for that)
you should never have to endure emotional abuse as we choose to define it.(how you might define it is of little consequence unless you are a state surveyor)
you will not be sexually abused while at Safe Haven because we have thoroughly medicated our resident pedophile (see restraints above) and most of our dedicated and caring staff are of that unique age bracket that believes no one over the age of 40 has sex,.. Therefore we find you completely repulsive in the sexual sense. (this also means that our sensitive staffers will completely freak out at the idea or sight of your sexuality,… so knock that nasty shit off and act your age)
You have a legally protected right to confidentiality, this means that your social security number and all other sensitive information will be secured in a chart accessible to only those 75-120 completely trustworthy people that belong to our caring family here. (except the other 50-70 we fire each year because the failed the drug test, stole peanut butter from the kitchen, or just failed to show up three days in a row)
We at Safe Haven very take seriously your right to privacy and respect. Nothing that happens or is said here will leave the building,… gossip is simply Not tolerated. (unless we find it funny, fascinating, or otherwise entertaining,… in which case we will broadcast it in all direction short of you-tube,… Because you-tube would be unprofessional)
You will always have a right to and be encouraged to communicate freely, to the point that we will go to great and expensive lengths to secure speech therapists who will engage in seemingly useless therapy sessions with you in an attempt to secure Medicaid approved funds if not help you communicate better.
Your right to communicate freely will not be infringed upon unless you yell out loudly and continuously to the detriment of fellow residents. Screaming in pain, yelling out in emotional anguish, or wailing at 100 psychotic induced decibels will not be tolerated,… we have meds for that.
You have a right to voice your opinion and communicate freely unless we don’t want to hear it,… we have meds for that.
You have a right to your personal things. Any possessions you bring into your new home will be respected and care for. Your clothing will be washed to pieces in our institutional washing machines ensuring they are completely clean for each use and your pictures will hang neatly on the walls of your room until they fall behind the bed, where they will remain until one of our dedicated staffers puts in your closet so your family can decide what to do with it when we finally let you die.
Its important to STAY ACTIVE!
You will be provided with quality diversionary activities to entertain and educate you. We at Safe Haven have a engaging activity department to meet all of your psycho-emotional needs, so that you will not miss your family or friends that no longer visit.
Our pet rock program has been very effective for those who miss family, friends and dead spouses. (if diversionary activities don’t work, we have meds for that)
Our fruit-loop necklace program is very popular as it provides great digital exercise and retention of eye-hand coordination as well as providing an on-person snack opportunity between meals.
The cheerios necklace Parkinson’s group teams up often with our “hunt-n-find-club” in cooperative exercises.
We have a large group of pious volunteers that will see to your spiritual needs while you reside at Safe Haven.
Weekly bible studies and Sunday services are scheduled so that local church groups might have the opportunity to pat themselves on the back and claim community involvement.
Try not to think of it as demeaning or sacrilegious,… we choose to see it as a way for our clients to continue to give back to the community in allowing churches this ego boosting opportunity… now get in to church this after noon,… hundreds of egocentric souls need you.
cleanliness is next to impossible
We assure all of our clients that their personal cleanliness is of utmost importance to us. Our clean, sterile and safe bathing facilities are open from 8am until 3pm Monday through Friday because we know that once you turn 70 you magically want to take a supervised semi-public bath directly before lunch rather than at bed time or in the morning… and its historic fact that people of your generation are accustomed to taking only two baths a week at best.
because we know you value safety and professionalism we haven't remodeled our bathing facilities to resemble one of those new kitschy spa-type places, preferring instead to stick with the traditional dairy barn operating room appearance that give us all the warm fuzzy feeling,.... said no one ever. with a great respect to your depression era frugality we haven't bought new towels in 10 years, and when we did they were the cheapest thinnest damn things money could barely buy,... because we know that waste would offend you (and our budget)
Bowing to the latest science that says air drying your hair is more sanitary than towel drying, we will set you in the hall near an air vent with a wet head in order to secure your safety from germs that might reside in the towel… try not to worry about the blue color of your skin,… if it persists after warming up contact a nurse,… we have meds for that
Best damn restaurant this side of Auschwitz!
Our culinary department is constantly evaluating the dietary needs of our clients so that all nutritional needs might be met,… in order to assure quality(length) of life, we will follow doctors orders in removing salt, fat, sugar etc (flavor) from your meals. This is for the good of your health.
Our kitchen is state inspected to insure that we provide the safest meals that we can. This means that you will no longer have the worry of food born illness as you did in the past, when you were forced to eat home cooked meals of garden grown produce, home butchered and cured meats, and fresh non-pasteurized milk,……
The days of un-safe (flavorful) food are a thing of the past now that we have a clean and highly regulated food supply chain provided by capitalism and government regulation… now that your 97 years old, you can eat your thickened and pureed meals secure in the knowledge that your food wont kill you…… no matter how much you might pray otherwise.
Enjoy your stay,…. And remember,… we’re professionals,… and we care.