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float with us, 2: delicious snacks

Updated on January 21, 2016

The reason I ask is that now, dear visitor, since you're nicely seated and welcomed, the next step is to offer you food.

Drink? Oh, no, I've been sober for ten years running. Oh ho.

No, you meant drink in general. Right, yes. My apologies. These customs, you see... you can tell I learned them not so much by doing as it was by watching. I hope I don't make you uncomfortable. You've been a pleasure to have, accommodating me for this long.

Tea? Or coffee. I believe some offer scotch. Wine seems to be turned down a lot, and as such, it is offered much less than anything else.

This is mildly remarkable, isn't it, in that the drink closer to juice - a commonly offered and accepted welcome beverage - is less well-received that the drink closer to industrial solvent?

Perhaps it is a price issue. You would not be so inclined to refuse if I were to offer bear's gall, rather than cream crackers, yes? No. No? No, bear's gall is highly illegal. Duly noted. Please dismiss that example. Replace it with - ah - caviar instead. A bit trite, but good enough on short notice.


It has just occurred to me that caviar is normally served on cream crackers, and it is somewhat hard to eat otherwise. But, for the sake of the example, consider them separate anyways. Also, the caviar is organic, sustainably farmed, and extracted from the sturgeon after it has been lulled to peaceful sleep by digital recordings of its mother's lowing.

Yes. Wonderful. You understand now, and so I.

Unfortunately, as with the chair, you will have to give form to your own snacks. That is how it works. I am a little embarrassed that I cannot offer you more than that.

You seem to react more viscerally to thoughts but no substance of food rather than thoughts but no substance of chair. I would assume that it is because back then, you already had a chair, whereas now, you do not have food. There is also a biological factor involved, I think, but what is more interesting is the philosophical angle here.

Would you be more satisfied if you had actual food with you now? Please, try. It will be interesting. Anything will do, I suppose, but for best results you would want the item you had thought of in the beginning.

I wait with baited breath.


It is regrettable that this item is most likely not on hand at the moment.

But, still, some part of the desire should be fulfilled. Most consider "partial" to be a phrase that denotes lack from a whole, when really, "partial" is substance in absence. Yet why is it not working? In fact, it seems to make it worse. What should have been partial satisfaction only leads to greater hunger. So it isn't an issue of mass or volume, then? Not biological, surely. Possibly psychological - now there's an area that can make something out of nothing, and the converse of nothings from somethings, too.

I am sorry, I am. I did not mean to cause this. This was not my intention. I only wanted to respect the proper customs. Perhaps we should turn our heads to topics of a less physical nature. Small talk - small talk is correct.

For the toughies

What's your meat (a pie awaits)?

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