How Not To Find A Literary Agent

It's tough. In fact, so tough a lot of people give up and go it alone. You, however, want that big New York contract with one of the Big Six publishers. You're going to be the next Dan Brown or J. K. Rowling, give up your day job, and never have to worry about money again. But there's this pesky thing called a literary agent these people insist you have before you can do that. Besides, a literary agent handles everything for you. All you have to do is write for a couple of hours a day and then enjoy the rest of your time.

So, how do you find one?

There are these huge long lists of literary agents. Any one of them could read and enjoy your book and then help you get that massive publishing contract of your dreams.

So. You'll send it to all of them. I mean, even if they don't do your genre, they still might love it. They might put in a good word with somebody who does. And so what if they aren't taking submissions right now? Your book is different. It's so much better than the crap out there that they have to like it. And they'll know just the editor to send it to.

What's with this 'query letter' thing? You can't describe your book in a few sentences. The only way to fully understand it is to read it.

All of it. Not just three chapters. Man, these agents are such silly people. Still, if you send them the entire book, they won't be able to put it down. Then they'll sign you on the spot. They can't properly judge it any other way, and these silly policies are just a way to keep writers down anyway. For that matter, you have to wonder if some of these people even read the manuscript. Ah well. They'll read yours, for sure.

These agents must have such long days reading everyone's books. So, why not brighten their day up? A candy bar would be perfect...you can just slip it into the manuscript.

Or, well. Hot authors sell books. You look great in that beach photograph. The agent would love a copy of that. Especially if you're sending it to an agent of the opposite sex. Right?

And hey...you have plenty of money. You could slip a $20 in there. That would definitely be appreciated.

Argh! You got rejected.

You got rejected a ton of times. None of these people appreciate your art! Well, how about letting the entire world know about it.

Better yet, you got this great rejection letter that slams your book. How about putting it on your blog for all to see. Then you can prove them wrong.

And if they've all rejected you...then it's time to self publish, isn't it?