Infecting the Emotions
When arriving at the house,what was I feeling?
What type of cards was fate really dealing?
What would I find,sudden feeling of dread?
What horror awaited,would I find her dead?
The flat was cold,eerie and unnerving
I wished for happiness,was I really deserving?
Complicated emotions,fear of the unknown
Too late now,my emotions are shown.
Realise my worst fear,what had i found
Deafening quiet,not even a sound
Found my friend motionless,cold and gone
As the hours flew by ,we arrived at dawn
Did all the right things,contacted all the right people
Felt I was climbing the highest steeple.
I'd lost a part of my life id never replace
Why is God punishing me,why not show me some grace?
I'm not a bad person,I help when I can
I know I've not always been the nicest man.
I changed my ways,yet I still have the worst luck
I'm in a deep hole,where I'll always be stuck.
Speak to other friends about this trying time
They ask how I feel,I pretend I'm fine.
Hide my emotions and carry on as normal
Keep emotions inside,disillusioned and formal.
Put on a brave face,after the trauma you saw
Can't keep them inside,the feelings are still raw.
Try to be a man,solid and dependable
Go crazy for a day,your actions are defendable.
Laugh in the morning,crying at night
Am I doomed in this world,is my future not bright?
Can't mull over what might happen,it might be ok
Whatever your contemplating,give it another day.
You might wake up happy, thoughts of what could be
Just give it a chance,just wait and you'll see.
I try to think positive,try to think ahead
People can be clever,your emotions are read.
You give out small signs,you don't even realise
Your face lets you down,emotion in the eyes.
Body betrays you,can't hide what's on view
You tried your best,but deep down,you knew.
Eventually it crashes down, your emotional wall
It's not a bad thing,after crying you'll stand tall.
My Mum always said,it's a real man that cries
She always was wise,never told me any lies
Wisdom,knowledge,fortitude and heart
Wake each day thinking this,it's a great way to start.
what I discovered that day rocked my world,I never thought for a minute when I woke that morning of the horriffic scene that was going to greet me that afternoon.i have never been stuck for words or emotions before,but I was that day.i was,for the first time in my life ,genuinely list for what actions I was supposed to take.i kind of froze on the spot i suppose.the first time in my life I relied on someone else to take positive action,as I was not capable of doing it.after thinking back months later,I actually felt like I had let the person down as well as myself.i felt as if I had saddled my burden on to someone else.i still to this day beat myself up a bit when I think about it.its in my DNA,I can't help it.i am so used to being in control ,that day after the trauma had settled,I felt embarrassed that I had to allow someone else to take over the reigns so to speak.bit silly i suppose.each person is tuned a certain way I believe,some people are predisposed to be in charge,others are followers.its the way of life.
Trying to focus.
think of yourself
stuff the rest.
helpless like a baby
can you recover
your mental state
hope sanity returns
arrives at your gate.
the day it happened,finding the body,I woke feeling uneasy that morning.as if I knew something wasn't right.i tried to ignore the feeling,but it stuck with me like glue all day long.the closer it came to going to this persons house,the more the butterflies we're going nuts in my stomach.i felt physically and emotionally not right.i drove to the house a good half an hour drive away,I had music on,but I wasn't paying attention to it.i couldn't say for sure what songs I pkayed that day.on arrivibg at the house of my friend,I had an uneasy feeling.i just could not shake the feeling that there was something seriously wrong.i entered through the gated doorway.i entered my friends house,all was very quiet,too quiet.i inspected two or three rooms I seem to recall,nothing.then my horro was realised,the final room had my friends curled up body lying on the floor.i ran to see if there was a pulse,I checked if they were breathing,nothing.there were no signs of life at all.the body felt stone cold.i knew then they had been dead for some time.after calling the emergency services,time after that was a bit of a blur.probably a day I have intentionally tried to block out of my head.
Tested my emotions to the full.
that day tested my emotions harder than they had ever been tested before.this was a day I thought I would be broken mentally,I honestly don't know how I got through that day,and subsequent days afterwards.there were a lot of questions asked,as I had been the initial person finding the body.i was questioned by the Police for a good while after that.i don't remember much of what I said,but according to a good friend, I spent a lot of time with the Police.i didn't feel as if I was under suspicion of anythjng,in fact,the Police were extremely decent and patient with me,I can't honestly fault them.After arriving home late that night,I sat pretty much in a daze,there was a lot of moving people in my house that day,they may have spoken to me,they might not have,I don't really know.i was tuned in to my own little world that day.i didn't sleep at all that night,I sat at my backdoor step most of the night,i started smaking again unfortunately,but I needed something to counteract my nerves.im not an advocate of smoking by any stretch,but they did help my condition that night.
Is There Positive Thinking?
is there such a thing as positive thinking
does it disappear as quickly as im blinking
if it does exist,it deserted me that day
i felt alone and scared,I felt this way.
couldnt speak to my family,couldn't find the words
my language as alien, as the chatter of the birds.
family brought me back, from the edge of madness
gave me happiness ,instead of sadness.
Since that day.
since that awful day, I found a new lease of life so to speak.i find I'm more proned to listen to people's troubles more now,I was a good listener before,but since the experience,I'm even more patient.maybe there are some positives to be taken from such a horriffic time in my life.a few people have confided their troubles over the past few months,and I genuinely feel I've helped them,they left after speaking to me with a look of hope on their faces,after coming to me with a look of dismay.its hard to think of anything positive coming from tragedy,but sometimes they do.if I feel I can help anyone with problems,I think I can do it more now than before,after all,it costs nothing to give a troubled soul an ear to bend for a time.
life has a way of bouncing back
just when you feel your emotions crack.
try to look ahead,I know this is hard
emotions up and down
no holds barred.
speak to a friend,or confide in a stranger
its not a bad thing,doesn't involve any danger.
may help you get over,might put you on a road
start the recovery process,in your humble abode.