How To Survive Judgement Day
NOTE: This article is satire, and will not help to clear up confusion or worry about the world ending, today, tomorrow or 100 years from now. Please - don't worry or lose sleep about what you may have heard in the news.
Whilst reading how to survive judgement day, please bear in mind the following statement:
Disclaimer - I guarantee that you will learn nothing you need to know, about anything you want to know, regarding the demise of our planet. Which I for one am fond of because I keep a few people and my giraffe collection on it.
When the Apocalypse kicks in – don't say I didn’t warn you.
F.Dropping
How To Survive Judgement Day
Do you want to know how to survive judgement day? Well folks you got it – this is the One Stop Shop on how to survive Armageddon! Want to know the best hints and tips on surviving the Apocalypse?
Need to know what to do (and when to do it) when the Four Horsemen storm into view? Unsure as to how to handle the End Of Things As You Know It? Not sure how to duck and cover correctly?
Then read on, because all you ever needed to know is somewhere else, and all you'll find here is light relief from impending doom. And gloom. And an awful lot of chaos and confusion. And other unforeseen events.
Horse Riders
Don’t Panic!
Seriously … panic is a waste of time. Panic won’t hold Doomsday at bay. Panic won’t organise your insignificant efforts to avoid theInevitable.
And panic is simply no good when it comes to putting your affairs in order prior to Judgement Day. All panic is good for is fear, dread and a loss of control.
And it’s absolutely no use when it comes to remembering to pack your underwear.
Apocalypse
Having Fun With The Grim Reaper
Got Grim Reaper?
In Control
Ok. Your nerves are frayed. The End Is Nigh. Now what?
First you need to pack. You never know what you’re going to need at the Worlds’ End. Don’t get caught short people. Pack for every eventuality. My advice is ‘when in doubt – pack for inclement weather’. Follow that – you’ll not go far wrong.
A few essentials:
- Beach wear – you never know
- Macintosh – I’d imagine apocalypses bring a lot of rain
- Wellies – there’s probably gonna be mud
- Several changes of underwear – cataclysmic events cause tummy upsets
- Several plastic bags – always great for carrying rubbish back to your hole in the ground – apocalypse or not … litter is still litter
- Several toilet rolls. There’s not going to be many leaves lying around. And trust me … loo roll will be gold in the Aftermath
- Tooth picks – great for tiny fires that won’t rage out of control
- One domestic pet. Great company in times of mass destruction. Stick with a dog. Cats have a tendency towards cowardice.
- Hand cream. There’s simply no excuse for having hands like a navvy
- Aromatherapy candles. Great when the going gets apocalyptic
- One pillow. Rubble pillows are uncomfortable and cause headaches
- A name tag. In case you lose your memory. And don’t write anything silly like ‘Elvis Presley’ or 'I'm With Stupid’. It won’t help
- Strong boots. Slings backs and stilettos result in corns. And I should imagine mass destruction involves a lack of chemists and corn cream
- False teeth. You may lose yours in the panic. Flying rocks etc tend to remove teeth
- A compass. However hard the Four Horsemen think they are, they still aren’t going to knock the polar north out of kilter. They may be destructive little buggers – but they’re not that powerful
- One pack of cards. If the Grim Reaper decides to come for you personally, whip them out and barter for mercy with a game of Go Fish. He’s a sucker for matching pairs
Ok I think that covers essential items. Now - how's about surviving the Big Bang?
Hiding
Random Unrelated Monty Python - Spam
Survival Training
Now What?
Hide.
You have to be serious about this bit – it’s important. You are not playing hide and seek. You are just … hiding. No one is counting to 50. No one is going to come and find you. Well – they are. Because you’re supposed to expire. However if someone – or something - does find you, ignore them. Pretend you can't see them. They’re not going to shout out ‘Got ya – now your IT’. They’re more likely to do something horribly painful. Ignorance is the key if you’re caught. It probably won't save you but nothing ventured nothing gained.
Let’s face it – hiding is almost the best advice I can give you. Because if you go for a stroll in the middle of all out Pandemonium you are your own worst enemy. Excluding the Grim Reaper. Or one of the Four Horsemen. Not to mention a moving target.
And it doesn't really matter where you hide as long as you factor in that it's only classed as hiding if no one can see you. It's no good hiding in a drawer. You won't fit. Or in a cardboard box if you do. Because cardboard is just reinforced paper. And hardly like to hold back the Wrath Of Whomever.
Pick something solid, like an old tank. If there's a lack of tanks down your street then you're out of luck. Generally anything cabable of withstanding the worse thing you can imagine should do it. When you've found your hidey hole ... hope. For the best. And pray. Not because it's likely to be physically helpful. Merely because it's comforting and distracting. Trying to remember the Lords' Prayer is enough to furrow many a brow. And try not to say it out loud.
You're hiding remember.
So You've Survived.
Great! It's likely that you're now destined to a lonley, miserable existence but hey! You've got a suitcase full of toilet roll. Replacement teeth. And a dog. Now it's down to you. You have your essential items. You've probably got about as much chance of surviving the first few hours as say a gazelle caught in the jaws of a hungry lion - but the main thing is ... at least you tried.
Jolly good - and good luck!
Related
Comments
Makes as much sense as the packing I did for the last hurricane evacuation -- took a tent and an evening dress. Two of my friends brought an iron each. It's amazing what you pack if you haven't planned ahead. In future, I'm just going to hitch the camper up to a truck and take the whole shebang.
And plenty of loo roll.
P.S. thanks for the gratuitous Monty Python.
So here is some Google ads that I see in this hub:
Eliminate Anxiety Attacks
GPS Tracking - if it moves we can track it...
God is warning the world - repent or perish.
It appears google is trying to facilitate your advice, which is btw invaluable. :)
ROFLMAO I am crying frog! crying!! "That's not hiding. It's peek-a-boo" HA! "loo roll will be gold in the aftermath" HA HA! "apocolypse or not...liter is still litter" HA HA HA!!!!!
When the apocolypse comes, gauranteed I will be hunkered in my hidey hole (not made of cardboard, mind you) with my suitcase full of toilet paper!!!
How about a porta- potty? Can I bring one of those?
It is written that nobody will know what time, what day, what hour. Matt 24:36 and 40-42. You are right we should relax. I don't know what they are pumping now, but the truth is written if people would just read it and not go into a complete frenzy, aromatherapy candles certainly sound good to me.:)
Will you hold my hand? I don't like apocalypses.
BUT I DON'T LIKE SPAM!
Hahahaha! Perfect hub to read before I head off to bed, I can now rest easy. I've just been shopping and have lots of toilet paper. Also, I think I can convince the neighbor dog to ally with my family if need be (I have a lot of steaks).
Can the horsemen knock out all the internet service??!
I'll kick their ass if they try! :)
May I take a book along? And my reading glasses? :P
An excellent, fun-to-read hub F Dropping!
I agree with hand cream, I mean, people, really, rough dry hands? Not me! I shall also take a good pocket knife, whittling passes the time well, and gets chips for the fire. Would twinkies survive the hollocost? I think they would be worth a try, they survive everything else. I've made my list, I'm ready to survive. I'll send up a smoke signal (in code) and you can come find me!
This was so funny, a classic and love Monty Python!
I agree with Cindy, the Spam is one of their classics!
How about one of those wind up combination radio flashlight thingamajigs? Maybe two. That way you can use the light from one to see the radio dial on the other.
How about a gun to blow your brains out when the going gets too tough? lol
The best hidy hole is with frogs and turtles and bedbugs too. Loo roll, hmmm why bother, no one else will be around to care.
I'm ready now ...Thanks Frogdrop...
I'm not hiding in the same hole with Ralwus if he doesn't bring any Lou Rawls.. or was it loo rolls? Just the same, clean up your act Ral, and I'll be hunkering in with you!
OH..PS.. look at you and your 100!! Yeah!! Congrats!
This is good and all but I'd rather that I'd be given the pills as I choose to sleep it over. Wake me up when we're on the, um, bright place - y'know, white sandy shore! Oh you get the picture!
This was a fun read! Twisted but definitely high on the fun factor! Thanks! :D
I'm thinking of bringing new and exciting things. Things I've always wanted to have but never would. You know, like, I'd perhaps design a whole new me and pack accordingly. In case I don't like the whole new me, I'll bring old me stuff.
I'm assuming looting is okay, so I'll have to do some of that in preparation. Casual looting, mind you, not the freaked out kind of looting.
I'm thinking Teresa was on the right track with the evening gown. Heels of course. And a deck or two of cards is definitely a good idea. Solitaire and of course bridge for those times you're feeling wild and off kilter.
By the way, loved the spam video. I'll have to bring along my Fawlty Towers, Keeping up Appearances, Monty Pythons, Poirots, Midsomer Murders, and the like with me as well. I'm sure I'm forgetting something. I'd better get on with my list and looting. See you later. And thanks!
Don't need loo rolls - that's what your dog is for ;)
I think there was a Twilight Zone episode on this. I don't remember much of it but it had something to do with books, a library, and broken eye-glasses.
This is all I know! - I'm still looking for my name-tag. ARGH!!
Hilarious, Plenty of underwear, I would have to change before I left lol
excellent advice and a very silly read!
Hey Frog- You're funny! Liked the part about lots of toothpicks for starting fires that won't rage out of control! LOL I like the way your mind works!
One pack of cards. If the Grim Reaper decides to come for you personally, whip them out and barter for mercy with a game of Go Fish. He’s a sucker for matching pairs....hahaha really funny! can't stop giggling!
LMAO! You have done it again! I loved the Grim Reaper video, and the people just staring at the screen. LOLOLOL!!!
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Teresa - :) I think it makes for great non-sense! For sure ... there's nothing any of us can do when the Bells of Doom start clanging! What would you do with a three minute warning? Or maybe it's five if it's the Four Horsemen.
Let's face it, horses can be lazy buggers and would sometimes prefer to amble rather than gallop over the horizon ...
Haunty - hey :) I have no idea what google thinks when it crawls these hubs ... today all I can see are adverts relating to tracing your loved ones. Maybe that's in fact quite apt after the dust has settled?!
Janetta - :) See ... hiding is a fine art. It's all about not being seen. Having bits of your body on view does not constitute hiding.
That's just being half-assed. And ruins the point. The Grim Reaper is probably a miserable sod and would no doubt be just as wretched whether you're hard to find or not. Why make it easy on him?
Make him work is what I say ...
Paper - pack what ever you feel is appropriate. Me ... I'm also packing some party blowers. Cos if I survive the Apocclypse I'm gonna be celebrating ...
AE - some things are better left to mystery. Womes hygiene rituals, wasps and the End of The World ;)
Jewels - you may. However ... as things may get a little rough I can't guarantee the rest of my body will still be attached in the aftermath.
You may wish to consider that disgusting little fact ...
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RooBee - I'm not entirely sure what the Four Horsemen are capable of. But then again ... neither are they. It's not as if they get out much is it? :)
Logic - you can certainly do that. However I'd advise you try and develop a tactic to unhorse them first. I can imagine that their horses are pretty big.
By my estimation that probably puts the Four Asses at a height of at least six feet above the ground ...
Feline - you may take whatever makes you feel more ... comfortable. Wrap your books in tinfoil first though. Probably better if they remain uncharred from Fire and Brimstone :)
The Good - thankyou very much :)
Candie - I'm not sure if Twinkies will survive the Holocaust. I'd imagine such items will be a little melty ... and yes. You may light a fire.
Whether I'm alive and able to respond to it is another thing entirely ...
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Cindy - lol thankyou. I hope you can take some courage from the fact that we're all equally FOOBAR-ed :)
Candie - I love MP!
Tom - I think anything that is wind-up would be great. Like Yo-Yo's. We will need to find alternatives to the internet.
Personally ... if I survive I'm going to wait for the Grim Reaper to appear and wind him up with a game of Go Fish :)
Ethel - a gun? Hmmmmm lol ... I don't know. Seems a bit like making it too easy for the Four Horsemen et al. I'd prefer to run away from them.
Shooting myself makes for an easy days' work. And as it's the only day they'll ever work ... then let them. That's what I say anyway ;)
Cris - hey hey :) lol I'm with you. There's enough white sand out there. Surely some of it will survive?
Or maybe it will become an Endangered Sand?
Hi, Frog :D! I mean google seems to have a sense of humor after all. An add about anxiety attacks when Gehenna is upon us... and the latest technology to trace people when they are trying to hide from those riders. :)
Don't worry, though. We are still in the safe for a while. Got some insider information from above. They say God is a football fan. :)
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Frieda - and why not re-invent yourself! Maybe it will be helpful when one of the Four Horsemen catches up with you, looks down his Soon To Be Souls list then says "FRIEDA BABBLEY?" and you reply ... "Sorry? Frieda who?" ;)
Oh and yes ... Pack some Monty Python. I can imagine we'll need some comic relief ...
Ralwus - lol I«m ass backwards here! So many have commented and I was last online on Friday!
No good hiding with the Turtles. You'll care when you have skin like a prune from hiding underwater ;)
J-Mae - lol you're welcome ;)
Candie - I climbed the ranks in my absence? lol maybe you just need to stay away from hubpages then ...
Shiba - hey! And just remember ... use your OWN name. Oh and share your dogs. I think they'll be a valuable commodity Post-Apocalypse ;)
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Wow lol twixt replying back to everyone someone randomly posted Spam. Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam SPAAAAAAAAAAM! Wonderful SPAM!!! - Naff off Soul :)
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Haunty - lolol A footy fan? He is? I hope he supports a decent team. And not Leeds United ...
But frogd, walruses are water creatures too you know. I can hold my breath for quite awhile. You don't suppose the Grim Reaper can swim do you? LOL the scythe may sink him.
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ralwus - I'd imagine that the Grim Reaper doesn't let things like physical discomfort bother him overmuch - or drowning come to think about it. He's a tad skinny and probably ever so slightly see through. Not just underfed and pale but also something along the lines of 'vague' ... most likely to do with the fact that he's non-living.
Probably ;)
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Badco - hey :) I'm almost caught up with comments! Thankyou verra much! That's a cool compliment and taken to heart!
My personal favourite (of my hubs) is: https://hubpages.com/politics/aristidesdesousamend - woefully under -read which is a shame. It's an incredible story.
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Hawke - hey! Thankyou and lol! Maybe just wear a weeks worth instead of packing? Gives a whole new meaning to "does my ass look big?" ;)
DY5L3X1A - ta very much! Great name BTW - and difficult to spell correctly!
MotherH - lol unfortunately my mind doesn't work. That's why/how I can write a load of codswallop ;)
Charia - true fact! The Grim Reaper loves matching pairs. In fact he's very fond of anyone that can match bag to shoes. And twins :)
k@ri - lol that video made me smile. I don't know how I found it TBH. I stumbled upon it. Twas good huh?!
And - I hope I've remembered each and every one. It was a little tough following the line of comments due to the fact that I wasn't online for over 24 hours. Thankyou all :)
LOL worth reading awesome hub
hahaha, yeah it's kinda a pain to have to type into my username for everything. buuut... i like it that much so i'll suffer through it! also... a plus, no one has ever taken it on anything so i dont have to worry about adding meaningless numbers or letters to my usernames.
When the apocalypse come I shall wear nought but my tiara and a diamante bikini and take loads of coffee in a shocking pink shopping trolley and walk due south with my little westie trotting along beside me. I'll probably be singing something - William Blake's "Jerusalem" or the chipmunk song.
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lesterd - thankyou. I like to inspire awesomeness :)
DY5L3X1A - It is kinda quirky. And unusual. Like frogdropping. I was drunk when I named me. What were you doing? I have a reasonably good excuse ... ;)
Iphi - How positively decadent. Are you taking coffee in a flask or just the beans?
I got my paint ball gun, not scared of nothing. LMAO
dori
Flasks (plural - large ones) of course silly - there would be no ways to grind beans and percolate the powder now would there ?
@ shiba-
Reminds me of a joke
A bear asks a bunny if poop sticks to his fur. Bunny says no, so the bear wipes himself with the rabbit. :O
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fortune - I don't know if paint guns will help. More likely is the fact that you'll tick the Grim Repaer off. Unless you just shoot him with black. He probs wouldn't notice his robes were splattered with black.
All being well ...
Iphi - no of course not. But there's probably going to be no need for coffee either. Though I like the fact that you're a positive thinker. And there's nothing wrong with positive thinking when the Apocalyptic Riders charge into view.
Though I think you'd have a better chance if you were a great long distance runner that's fast off the block ...
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Paper - lolol. Must be crap being a bunny ...
As long as we have the British sense of humor in the aftermath, I think we'll survive. I love monty python, but Benny Hill was definitely my fav may he rest in peace.
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Nostalgic - hey :) Yep ... Benny Hill! Enjoyed watching him many, many times. Ernie and his milkcart!
Actually Frog... haha, two friends of mine were trying to put my real name into words. They came up with Plexiglass, Galexie, Dyslexia... etc. So i decided i liked dyslexia the most... but it just wasn't quite there yet, so i made it seem gamer nerdish by adding the numbers.
drunk i was not... sorry! Definitely curious what your mind was thinking when you came up with frogdropping!
I think we will not be able to see the doom day.
Maybe it's still thousands years away from us :)
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DY5L3X1A - I was drinking. Feeling a bit worse for wear. It seemed funny at the time ...
Fisher - No I'm not 'specting the Four Horsemen anytime soon. However - i think the religious folk may disagree ;)
I gotcha. No judgement here! Nonetheless it is a very unique and interesting name for sure.
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DY5L3X1A - that's for sure ... google 'frogdropping'. Nothing will come up but for me. It's kinda funny.
Yet weird at the same time. When you think of how many people and sites are out there and I'm without doubt a single stand alone idiot ...
It sounds a lot like backpacking. Toilet paper and food become key. Combine this with the right company and yeah they are really similar.
ha! me too! excellent.
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Camping - lol yep but at least backpacking only brings the possibility of sleeping a little rough. The Apocalypse brings rampaging Horsemen, Brimstone (whatever that is) and the Big G himself. I suspect.
DY5L3X1A - good huh? Or not. Depending on how you're looking at it ;)
I guess it makes us easier to find... hmmmmm...
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DY5L3X1A - more's the pity ;)
Hilarious! The 'grim reaper' video was the icing on the cake! Myself, am waiting for the ever impending zombie outbreak xD
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AIDY - hey :) The video was so silly. And slightly twisted! funny though. I'm not a fan of Zombies though ... odd entities in my book ...
ROFL that truly was super cool you have such a great imagination.
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blonde - g'day :) I can also speak American you know. Courtesy of Janetta. She's great. Taught me how to say 'hello. It goes something like ... y'all ... cool huh?
And thanks for that ... though I don't have a great imagination. I just have too much time ... *wanders off to play with string*
Google is hedging its bets down here in Australia - Middle east prophecy and bush fire survival - a very well balanced choice I feel! I have to spam you with a link though- I think you may get a laugh from this perfect end of the world opportunity- to leave a note with an atheist in case God does come for you (which he won't be after this hub...) http://lissowerbutts.com/a-perfect-passive-income-...
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Lissie - how's yourself :) Thankyou for that little nugget ... I am now checking it out and will duly report back with my thoughts etc etc ...
*wanders off to appraise herself of new revelations*
This is great entertainment, especially the packing list.
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B.Z. - The great thing aout the list is this: you can completelly ignore it. Wing it. Hope for the best. Approach the Last Days with applomb, wild abandon.
And very very drunk ...
Nice! SPAM A lot! But the Grim Reaper thing was funny as heckles.
I'm not going to fear until the zombies arrive, and then I'm going back to Groom Lake and initiating Die Glocke 3.0 (the second version was swallowed by the blackhole I created with my particle accelerator, dang it!) and phoning home.
The Zeta's promise to take me back, at some point. Although sometimes I think they're just messing with me...they keep calling me "lxxy the stupid," but I keep explaining to them there's only one "the stupid," and his name isn't Cloister, it's Lister.
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lxxy - lol ... would you believe that the hub I'm on the verge of publishing next is about Zombies? How apt ...
And no - don't leave us just yet ... we're not quite ready for your departure ;)
OMG I laughed so hard reading this i just about fell off my chair. There are a couple of things I think you should consider adding to your list of must haves. First, tequila, limes and salt because if all else fails, you should be able to get smashed so you don't care. Second, twinkies and or ding dongs, cause it's a proven scientific fact that they will last forever. And last but not least, a lifetime supply of Spam, that tasty and versital little food item. Don't know of anyone who actually eats Spam, but maybe if you cornered the market and started buying it all up in anticipation of The End, you might cause a whole new public awareness of Spam and who knows where that might lead! Can't wait to read your hub about Zombies. Well, must leave ya now ( the dark side is calling and i must answer... I must answer...mu s t answr )
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love my - spam? Did you say ... SPAAAAAM? lolol - versatile. It's enough to make me heave ... I was force fed spam at school. Covered in batter. Two out of three things I can't bear to eat all wrapped up in one nice, neat ... nasty package.
And stay away from the darkside. Its ... well ... dark.
Or at least carry a torch ;)
I for one can always use more useless information. Don't panic and yell fudge at cobras!
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poetry - can't we all! There's absolutely nothing wrong with useless information. It's misinformation that causes problems.
And I'm not panicking and I'm definitely yelling fudge at cobras. Whilst running in the opposite direction ;)
did u get a leaflet recently with the same title on it handed to you at the door.
interesting hub
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Brenda - nope. I don't get any leaflets. I'm a non-subscriber to the nonsense of others.
My own is quite enough for one person.
just coincidentally i saw a leaflet with the same question on it... that is all, they are apparantly being distributed world wide...
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Brenda - really? I don't know if that's alarming or amusing ...
it is true.....
If its end of world then you cant survive, can you live after end of world? You cant... But i doubt this will happen anytime soon.
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arcade - who knows. This is all rubbish anyway. Assumption in nonsense form. If you believe one tenth of anything you read. And all that ;)
I've had my disaster kit packed for years now, but to think that I forgot all about the aromatherapy candles! Dear God! What was I thinking!!! By the way, I think most currency now in circulation is already toilet paper... ;-)
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liminal - I like to bump into forward thinking types. Good going there liminal. And yes, aromatherapy candles are important.
And you think that about currency? I don't know ... I'm not sure I'm ready to wipe my ass on the greenbacks just yet ...
so sorry about the spam thing. i'll beat myself up later. torches are good unless its raining. and they're not good for much if you run into dragons. personally i like dragons, some of them can be trained to eat mean and nasty people who aren't very nice to you. i'm working on a recipe for dragon treats since i think they'll be one of the few species left.
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love my - lol I'm hoping there'll be no Dragons left. Would be a bugger if there was. We'd be stuck playing Scrabble and listening to tall stories. Instead of trying to fight for survival ...
You are freaking funny. Thanks for your write up - cheer things up!
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meta - you are welcome. I hope it helps. You to survive. In some state of not too ill-health. I think the toilet rolls and wellies are the key ...
usless
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gurgle - did you read the disclaimer? Maybe you should ;)
Hi frogdropping you make me laugh,,Spam was too fun.
I will take my soul. I will get a new bod anyway, I will not need wrinkle cream where I will be. No dark can come near me I have a sword the largest one ever made.
I love your sense of humor. Thank You for sharing.
Check my hubs when you can drop in.
cheerio...
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skye2day - I just love me ... and I will come and drop by and have a lookit your hubs :)
Very entertaining indeed, your quite the humorist...
I guess the moral of the story is go with the flow or die trying;)
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loua - lol I was being realistic when I wrote this. As I always am whenever a new book of frog entry is birthed :)
Interesting article. Maybe some good colas, whatever is left in the ice trays, the remaing bread and food in the refrigerator, and some of your suggestions until the moment of doom arrives, hopefully a painless one. God Bless You.
Don´t know how I´ve missed this hilarious hub. It was linked to one of mine where I quote T.S.Eliot......This is the way the world ends. So glad I found it. haven´t laughed so much in ages. Well done.
You forgot the Beer:-))For medicinal purposes of course.;)
May I take my ipad?
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lol of course. Just don't forget to pack a small generator ;)
The giraffe collection...
If you are only taking the dog, you won't be needing them, then?
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