Time and Guilt

Two months back my mother left this world to the place unknown for good for her, apparently bad for us coz it's very difficult to gulp the idea of she leaving us, who was always there for us; her children.

I, now being a mother can feel, before being a mother every mother is a woman first. It is a thread of relationship letting world forget she is a human first and why she alone? Why just woman alone? Every human is a human first with a heart. Heart full with zest for life, loving life but relationships and responsibilities curb his desires to live life and so was my mom.

No i won't say she was a true mother like important part of your being, she sacrificed a lot for us and on and on in her praise. She has always been a human first.

As an human i feel she was good and bad, made up of both but never neglected her duties, her responsibilities and had her life too. Yeah i know all mothers do.

Since two months i have been thinking to write about her but confused where to start, how to start, should i write and tell the world her story, and the last one, an important question is what if i write and tears spill from my eyes, lessening her pain from my heart or may be vanish to vacuum. Will it not be selfishness on my part to do so and separate the pain from my heart by washing it through tears. I agree in this case i am scared of my tears. I feel how will i face my own conscience. Coz somebody said," pain reminds me of my existence." i don't want to detach or break away an umbilical chord i am tied with in my heart with her love. Once i do it will be selfishness and if I hold tears with her soul in my heart i will be snatching her peace that also is a selfishness on my part for not being able to face myself not letting her go. Since two months i am guilt stricken, i am searching for an answer i toss the coin, turn the sides to customize with density of my guilt and i store or spill tears according to intensity of pain.