How to Get Over a Jerk of a Boyfriend

It was a good run, we had fun. Five years of frolic and a few fights. But slowly, the fights began to take over and the fun began to fade out. That’s the death knell for a relationship, at least for those who choose to recognize it. Five years with a pet is enough to make you fall madly in love with it. And this dog was your boyfriend for five until he decided to grab your heart out of your chest, mince it and never look back while he made out with that slut.

But that wasn’t enough to put me off him. He had come to grow on me. Almost like a limb or an organ: at times fulfilling a function, at times the cause of unbearable pain, but always there by my side. Now that he’s gone, I still feel like I have a phantom arm. And ask a dude with a phantom arm, boy do they hurt!

So I did what anyone in my situation would do. I Googled “how to overcome a bad breakup.” And surprise surprise, I found no answers (At least real practical ones that would work for me).

So for every girl who’s ever gone through what I went through and decides to google “how to overcome a bad breakup;” here is a practical guide on moving on:

Get some Sugar in the system: Ice cream is the best healer. So is a good pizza. Comfort foods as they are called are meant for periods of despair like this. Scoop them up, make yourself a nice bowl full of ice-cream and binge away. A little sugar rush is enough to put you in a good mood for sometime. The extra pounds that you put on will keep new jerks like your ex at a safe distance.

Indulge in some retail therapy. Shop till you drop and then shop some more. And after that, shop for a sex toy that will replace him. If it’s illegal in your country, all the better. The thrill of doing something illegal can fill the void that asshole left in your life.

Take up sports. Actually take up “a” sport. I have a particular sport in mind. It’s called darts. They say exercise releases the happy hormone serotonin. The satisfaction you get on hitting “his” bulls eye is worth 3 hours on any treadmill.

Get a Clean Up: Remember a broken relationship is like treading through a mine field. You never know where you may find his one T shirt or book still lying in your room. And when you do, it’s sure to explode in your face. Hence put on the amour and clear that land mine of memory, everything to the last shred.

And whatever you do, don’t give his clothes to the salvation army. You don’t want to spot your friendly neighborhood homeless guy on your street in your ex’s suit, reminding you of him.

Buy Time. Once you are done cleaning up everything in the room that reminds you of him, replace it with various clocks and time pieces. Sand clocks work particularly well. Get as many as you can buy, beg, borrow or steal. Cover your rooms with clocks, watches, and give it a day or so. They say time is the best healer. Buy all the time you need.

Take a Voodoo Class at your Community College. Nowadays there’s probably even an online class available if you don’t want to meet potential mates before you lose the extra pounds you gained after he left. There’s nothing a spell couldn’t fix. I’m sure in spite of the room cleansing, you must have cheated and kept one of his belongings to keep his memory alive. Now’s the time to use it. Sweet revenge. Hit him where it hurts the most.

Go on an imaginary date with your ex. Think of how wrong it could go and how wrong he is for you. Of all the stupid things he will say as the evening fades to night. Highlight the bad and wipe off the good. All those annoying habits he had, this is the time to kick them in. Gain back the power, if he’s the one who broke up with you use the imaginary date to break up with him. Reconstruct your memory of that fateful event.

Visualize: Make the power of visualization work for you. Imagine your ex ten years from now. How miserable his life is for leaving you. His one mistake cost him everything. How the only place where he’s gained weight is around his belly. How the hair on his back have turned into a thick forest. How your girlfriends don’t believe you when you tell them that you once dated this guy. I’m sure you are feeling better already.

Rewire that romantic song which was once “your” song. You know that one sappy pathetic song that always reminds you of him? Watch a gruesome wildlife documentary while listening to it. Youtube video of Rhinos copulating works for me. You’ll be rewired in no time and any feeling of foolish sentimentality will vanish.

Trust me, if he was a duffes it’s good reddens. And in the unlikely but rare case that he was a great guy, change your perceptions about him. Don’t lose hope. Some of my past boyfriends have turned out to be Zombies, Aliens and Vampires, yet I haven't given up on the opposite sex.

There is one out there for you still, perhaps not better but one who will grow to love and tolerate you and vice versa. Keep this guide handy even after you come across that one person. You never know when you may need it again.