Retired Husband's Rules

^{By A. Gagliardi}

Many women are still working while their husbands have retired. I went from a half-time job to working almost full-time (32 hours a week) when my husband retired. My friends advised me to give him a year to adjust. Other folks suggested he might be able to pick up some of the cooking, perhaps learn to do the laundry or vacuum. I hoped he might get some of the home repairs done while I am at work.

It's been a year and there is a different man around my house. I visited with a friend who has had a retired husband for a few years now. She tells me that retired men suddenly, or gradually change into very different men. They have strong opinions that they did not have previously. Retired men tend to move slower, talk longer, and spend less money than they ever did before in their life. And apparently, just like the toddler rules, there are rules for retired men.

So, here are those very rules. Let me know if I left anything out.

The Retired Husband's Household Rules

1. I don’t need to hang up my coat, or for that matter, any article of my apparel anymore;

I am retired.

· Nor should you hang it up. I may be using it again tomorrow.

2. I can now eat any type of junk food I want.

· You, however need to watch what you eat, so the sweets are for me.

3. I have forgotten how to flush. (If your husband, actually did know how to flush, that is.)

· I never knew how to put a new toilet paper roll on, so I won’t learn now.

· I left my toothbrush out on the sink so I could find it again in the morning.

· If the faucet was left running, it must have been a stranger who came in through the window, who used the toilet, did not flush, and left the faucet on.

· I did not hear the toilet running.

4. I must always be right.

5. If I want your opinion, I will give it to you.

6. If you need to speak, you should phrase your words in such a way that they do not appear in any way to disagree with what I have just said.

7. I am not prejudice – I don’t like anybody.

8. Having lived to retirement age, I now have an opinion about all subjects – and my opinion is the right one.

9.If you find the sugar in the refrigerator, someone else must have put it there.

· It might have been same man who came in through the window and put it there to mess with our minds.

· I did not see the refrigerator door open.

10. Now that I am retired, I notice that the dog farts a lot more.

11. Now that I am retired, I can help with the cooking.

· That doesn’t mean that I will.

· If I cook, you should rush to the table and love every bite.

· If you cook, I will make you wait while I finish the phone call I started when you called us to supper, or I will finish watching this sitcom that I have already seen five times.

· If you cook, I will advise you on what you did wrong & how you could better cook this the next time.

· Let’s eat in front of the TV after all I ‘m retired.

-If we eat at the table and the TV is on, I will need to jump up several times to see what is going on.

12. When we are watching TV, you should not discuss anything with me while the show is on.

· Don’t talk during the commercials unless it is one that I don’t like.

· Don’t be on your phone or computer while we watch TV because this is family time.

· Don’t do any kind of needlework while we watch TV. This is family time.

· Don’t read anything if you are sitting in the room where I am watching TV. This is family time.

· If there are more than just the two of us, you should not be having a conversation while we are watching the show.

· If we are watching the shows I like, it is family time.

· If you have shows you want to watch you will have to go to the smaller TV, or watch them alone.

· If your shows conflict with my shows, we will watch mine.

· I prefer not to watch the shows you like.

13. If you get a phone call let it ring until the answering machine goes off, then we can be screen our calls.

· If you need to talk on the phone while we are watching TV, go in the other room and be quiet about it.

· If the phone is for me, I will ask you to turn down the TV while I take this call.

14. You should avoid any kind of negative, unsavory or ill-advised discourse at the table.

· Don’t talk about anybody’s illness, or death.

· Don’t talk about farts, burps, vomit, or any bodily functions.

· Don’t talk about disasters of any kind.

· I don’t want you to debate anything I say, because I am right.

15. Now that I’m retired, we should not, in any way, spend more money than we spent in 1970 - for anything.

· If it’s something you want to do, we can’t afford it

· If it’s something I want to do, we should do it now because I’m not getting any younger.

16. Now that I am retired, I can spend time watching you clean the house and advise you on what you are doing wrong.

- I will find ways and reasons for you not to finish whatever cleaning job you are doing because my activity is still more important than yours.

17. That goes for the laundry too.

- If I help with the laundry, I will NOT fold the clothes they way you do, and I will NOT learn how to do it correctly. You should be happy that I am helping you. And I will be insulted if you tell me that my way is wrong.

18. My idea of helping with the dishes is taking the dishes from the drying rack and lining them up on the counter or stove top. Even though I took them from the cupboard, I do not remember where they go.

19. Now that I’m retired, I can get to all those small repair jobs around the house – as soon as I ______________ (fill in the blank).

· Any big repair job that you want done will have to be discussed, researched and negotiated.

· If I start a project, it will take up the most space, because I have to spread stuff out so I can see what’s here.

· It will take the longest time possible, because I’m not as young as I used to be.

· It will be done in the most frugal way possible because we need to save the money for something I want to do.

20. If you find me yelling at the TV for no apparent reason – never mind.

21. If you find me searching the house for the glasses that are on my forehead – never mind.

. You should be helping me look even though I will want to be the one to find them.

· It might have been that man who climbs in the window when we are not looking. He takes things, I think.

22. Even though I have 72 clean shirts in my closet, I want to wear this one for at least 15 days in a row.

· I will wear my jeans baggy without the belt, like those teenage boys in gangs.

· I will wear the oldest, dirtiest, most ripped pair of jeans when you want to go out anywhere with me.

23. I am going to keep the house at 62 degrees in the winter and 82 degrees in the summer to conserve energy. I have the time to monitor it because I am retired.

24. I am going to go to bed at 9 pm, and you should too if you know what’s good for you.

25. I am going to pay the bills at your most inconvenient time and ask you to work with me.

26. Now that I am retired I can move more leisurely. That means that what ever we do together will take three times as long as when you did it yourself.

27. You should tell me everything you do, say or think so I am properly informed.

· If I forgot that you told me, you must not have told me.

· If you told me over 48 hours ago, you didn’t tell me.

· If you spoke to me from the other room, I didn’t hear you.

· If you were not looking directly at me, I didn’t hear you.

· If you did not get my attention so I knew you are talking to me, I didn’t hear it.

· If you told me while the radio or TV was on, I didn’t hear you.

· If you told me while an airplane was going over or a big truck was rumbling by, I didn’t hear you.

· If you told me while I was thinking of something else, I didn’t hear you.

· NO, I don’t need a hearing aid! You need to do a better job of keeping me informed.