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Darkness, Sheds No Light
Darkness surrounds Lydia, her body is trembling and she feels weak. Her head is spinning while her stomach churns. She has had her suspicions, woman’s intuition you might say. Her fears became reality when the truth surfaced, her husband is being unfaithful. She is shaking, even though it is an unusually warm January day. The color has drained from her body and she feels ill. There is a giant hole in her heart, and the pain is unbelievable.
The truth came out in a big way, there is no way she can deny it any longer. She sits in the corner of the dark room waiting for him to arrive home from work. What is she going to say to him? How is she going to confront him? The proof is in her hands, on an envelope in black and white. Why didn’t she see this coming? What is she, blind? Wait, she did see it; she just didn’t want to see it. Does that make any sense? Her heart pounds faster and faster, deep in her chest. The kids are outside playing; they do not have a clue that their world is about to turn upside down. She hears his truck in the distance, and it becomes louder the closer it gets to the house.
The dogs are barking and acting wild as usual, they love this time of day. Usually she did too, but not today. Today she just wishes she could hide. Tears roll down her face as she hears the door shut and footsteps coming closer to the bedroom, their bedroom. The light suddenly flicks on, and he sees her in the corner. Instantly he knows there is something wrong.
She is not sure how, but she finds the words to say, “I got the mail today,” and at that moment she hands him the envelope.
His face drops down as he realizes that the affair has surfaced. He seems a little relieved that he does not have to hide any longer, yet at the same time he feels sad that she knows. Lydia did not give him a chance to explain, she really did not want to hear any excuses. Not that he would have them anyway. She is not sure where it came from, but she is able to say one more thing, “Get out!”
He grabs an empty laundry basket and begins to throw some clothes inside. There are no words from either of them. She watches in horror as her whole world crashes and crumbles all around.
The evening turned into night, and it will be the first of many sleepless nights for Lydia. She lays in her bed, the same bed that she shares with her husband. It is lonely and cold; the quietness of the room is eerie. She is used to the sound of his snoring; although it usually irritated her, tonight she longed to hear it. She missed him already. What did she do to make him stop loving her? Her heart aches and she sobs uncontrollably.
Lydia wants to sleep, but every time she closes her eyes she envisions him and her together. His lips on hers, his hand upon her breasts, and their bodies touching. Touching like he used to touch her. She does not want to think about it, but she is haunted by the images. Her pillow is soaked with tears and her body hurts from all the crying. She knows that by morning she will have to face the world, she needs to be there for the kids. They are old enough to understand, yet young enough to still be a little confused.
The light of the morning sun peaks through the curtains, the new day has dawned and life did not stop just because her heart is broken. What is next, what is she supposed to do? Lydia knows that she cannot afford to live in this big house by herself. She is still a fulltime student and only substitutes for extra money. It is not enough to pay the bills. Her stomach has that bottomless pit feeling again and her energy level is zero. Can she just stay in bed forever? She knows she cannot; she has responsibilities and the children need her to be a stable factor in their lives. She feels abandoned and she is scared. Reluctantly, she rises from the bed and proceeds to get the children up for school. There is no reason they need to know that there is something wrong. They will surly find out soon enough.
Once the children have left for school, Lydia goes back to bed. She isolates herself all day in the darken room. She is exhausted and wants to sleep, but her mind will not turn off. She lies there staring at the ceiling for what seems like hours but in actuality it is really only a few minutes. She rolls over and his smell is still lingering on his pillow. The sound of the phone breaks up the silence of the room, seeing the caller ID she almost does not pick it up. It is her sister. Knowing that she will not be able to talk without crying, she lets it ring. As the sounds seems to fade in the distance she closes her eyes again.
Lydia feels broken. Her heart feels as if it has shattered into a million pieces. Like a broken mirror, shards of glass everywhere. Her insides are in knots, and darkness surrounds her soul and fills her world. The new world that she is forced to live in, a world that she never wanted to embark upon. Single parenthood. This is her personal hell. Lying there, her mind tries to remember to when things went awry? How long has she been in the dark? How was she so blind to the fact that he was being unfaithful? Why couldn’t she see it? She screams, because no one is home to hear. She screams, because she is angry. She screams because she is sad and heartbroken. She S-C-R-E-A-M-S at him, curses him, and in a fit of rage she throws their wedding photo across the room. A huge crash sounds as the glass from the frame connects with the wall. The shattered picture is a metaphor of their marriage, and will never be the same. She cries out in distress, and screams to God, “Why?” Tears steadily flowing down her cheeks, she is in total agony and despair.
Managing to muster up the energy to get out of bed, she rises, but that is about as far as she gets. If it was not for the kids she would not have a reason to go on, but she loves her crazy kids and knows that they will need her, especially in the next few months. Life is going to change for them, in ways that nobody will be able to image.
Day and night she cries. She does not eat nor does she sleep. She cries. The dark clouds that surrounds her do not seem to a have a break. Thunder roars, and lighting flashes, and her body rumbles from the effects of the storm. She has always hated storms, physically and metaphorically. Storms of life always come with a lesson, and she doesn’t doubt that it is no different with this storm. However, at this moment she has no idea what she is supposed to learn.
They say that pain eases through time and that may be true. However, it never completely leaves and in the wake of all the healing there are always scars that are left behind, just like damage that is left from the path of a hurricane, scars are left to remind us of the pain we went through.
Lydia, shudders at the thought of living life without her true love, and her best friend.