- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
Women's Handbags: The Truth Told!
The mystery surrounding a woman's handbag is as impenetrable as the obscure nature of black holes. In fact, scientists have probably done a better job of explaining black holes than anybody can hope to achieve with the mystery of a woman's handbag.
Handbags may well be a new type of black hole, for all we know about what women carry in them. Scientific surveys fail to come up with trustworthy conclusions on what's in a girl's handbag.
Some studies indicate handbags carry Only essential items, while others are adamant regarding the contents holding All that's necessary. What scientists have more or less derived after many years of research is that both conclusions may well be one and the same thing in most women's minds. Indeed!
Another important finding in these studies is that a woman's handbag is her absolute domain, territory, private property, call it what you will. In short and to sum it up, the only decent way to peek inside a woman's handbag without danger of getting your hand cut off (or worse, if you know what I mean) is by stealing it and running off to parts unknown.
And that only applies to real thieves, ladies and gents, a girl would never, ever dare "borrow" a lady friend's handbag to see what's within, not even if the lady friend in question had previously stolen *GASP* one's boyfriend!
So, the mystery perpetuates itself.
Enter the handbag black hole
All that's necessary VS only essential items
So let's take a look at what may be necessary, as found in the above mentioned surveys. You've got to open your mind now, don't set yourself up to read "lipstick", "hanky", "wallet", "pen" and that sort of, well, essential item. You were getting ready for that, weren't you?
Yes, you were, and no, that's not the only kind of necessity women carry in their handbags. They do carry those, plus a number of other, errrr, essential items that will prove women's handbags are mysterious business.
Normal Items (as opposed to "Odd" items)
Essential Item #1: Makeup Kit
Essential Item #2: Pantyhose
Essential Item #3: Sewing Kit
We can argue about these being essential items. I can see the need for a lipstick or some eye shadow or mascara, but a whole makeup kit? Evidently I don't know what I'm talking about as a very high percentage of women carry one in their handbags.
The same goes for nylons, ladies. I mean, it's cool and all to be well prepared, but then why not carry a little overnight bag with you at all times? No, don't answer, you probably do, too!
And what to say of the sewing kit... I suppose I'll just take my hat off and bow to general woman preparedness to face any eventualities in every day life.
Odd Items (as opposed to "Outright Peculiar" items)
Essential Item #1: Family Photo Album
It has been found that some women carry an entire photo album, displaying not only their children in all ages from birth to graduation and beyond, but also photos of themselves in various rites of passage such as their engagement, wedding, pregnancy, and the family pets, the in-laws, the nice folks they met in their last family vacation, and god forbid if they have grandchildren too, as then the album may be as thick as the New York City Yellow Pages! Not as heavy, though, apparently, because women carry this with grace and style as if it didn't weight an ounce.
Essential Item #2: Assortment of pens, paperclips, pencils, highlighters...
Some women carry more office supplies in their handbag than your regular Office Depot. I wonder, are these supplies just thrown in there and then forgotten, or are they carried on purpose? I'm afraid this is like the the chicken or the egg discussion, kind of impossible to answer...
If it were a matter of forgetting you have a collection of highlighters keeping company to your pantyhose and sewing kit, then I'd guess these items would be unloaded periodically, say, for example, when you'd be looking for the family photo album and would pick a yellow highlighter plus a bunch of paperclips instead. But it doesn't seem to work that way, these items are promptly returned to the handbag's deep end in case they may be necessary at some point!
Essential Item #3: Hair Iron
Stop smirking. This is one of the most carried items in the "odd" category. It goes without saying that a hair brush will also be found in a woman's handbag, but 99.9% of the female population will scream and shout that a hair brush is a must, a really essential item, so it doesn't even make it to this well researched (cough) list.
Now, my question here is not really why is this carried at all (I mean, plenty of women think this is a necessity, so be it), my question is how often this is used to be considered a necessity? I'll bet my earnings that the answer may well be "never, but what if I need it?"
Outright Peculiar Items (as opposed to "Where no Woman has Gone Before" items)
Essential Item #1: Screwdriver Kit
You think I lie. You think I deceive. You think again, please. There's no better way for me to tell the story of this peculiar item than with a real life anecdote:
I once got stuck in an elevator with five other poor souls, and the emergency button didn't seem to work. Before anyone had time to panic, here's this nice lady asking us to please stand back and let her have a go at the button. There were a couple of raised eyebrows, but she looked like she meant business, so we made room for her in front of the control panel.
And what did she produce from her considerably sized handbag? Yes, you got it, a screwdriver kit! She had the panel unscrewed in no time... though that didn't do any good to the button in question. Never mind that, I say, we all got an invaluable lesson on the mysteries of women's handbags!
Essential Item #2: Brown Tape
What, for the life of me, can brown tape be needed for that some women carry it, permanently, in their handbags? Initially I thought tape may be good if, say, your pantyhose run, but of course a woman that carries brown tape will also be carrying pantyhose, will she not? So the question remains, what on earth can brown tape be needed for? I realize it's a fairly useful item indeed, but to carry it in one's handbag... Women are the most surprising creatures, the most original thinkers!
Essential Item #3: Lubricant Spray
We all know how some doors are noisy, and how the car hood may need a little help to open, and how that handle in the office filing cabinet is a bit too stiff.... Right? Well, apparently, yes, right! Unless the lubricant is used to maintain the hair iron and keep the screwdrivers tidy! I mean, that's also a possibility!
Where no Woman has Gone Before
Essential Item #1: Gas Mask
As I said, you can stop smirking. If you think about it, considering the list of items you've read so far, and considering what women deem a necessity to carry, this is at least probably a sensible item, if not an essential one. I mean, it could save a woman's life! So, if a girl's going to find herself in the middle of war-like chaos, what would she rather be carrying, fresh pantyhose, a screwdriver kit, a makeup kit or a gas mask? NO! Don't answer that!
The Handbag Theory
I have a fairly good suspicion that you don't believe a word you've read in this scientific dissertation, but what do you know, it is a scientific dissertation based on observation! All the items I listed above, believe it or not, I've seen appearing out of women's handbags at one time or another.
The frequency with which I've seen these items come out of a handbag helped me categorize as normal, odd, outright peculiar, and where no woman has gone before. Swear to god and hope to die!
© 2010 Buffoon