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Gardener Humor: 7 Terraces of Garden Purgatory

Updated on June 6, 2014
Maren Morgan M-T profile image

Maren gardens in Pennsylvania, specializing in earth-friendly, unconventional, creative, joyful artistry at low cost.

Close to Heaven

A peaceful scene with perennials and a garden sculpture.
A peaceful scene with perennials and a garden sculpture. | Source

Dante, Improved

Dante penned his Divine Comedy which describes all sorts of consequences, trials, purifications, and rewards for one’s moral status. The middle zone between Heaven and the Garbage Dump is Purgatory. Generally thought to be temporary spots, the seven terraces through which a soul passes in Purgatoryland are elaborately described. Coincidentally, we people who love outside gardening also have seven conditions of challenge. Fortunately, they also are transient. Even better yet, I will be briefer than Dante.

Moving from closest to Heaven towards closest to That Other Place:

Terrace One

Having neighbors copy everything I do in the garden. (It’s annoying but it is also flattering.)

Terrace Two

Seeing one-inch remnants of beautiful green plant stalks where the-day- before they were approximately six inches tall and gorgeous. Did I mention the tell-tale rabbit denture marks? I don’t like it, but it is to be expected. If only these critters would learn to share and share alike instead of chomping it all!

Terrace Three

Learning that the local garden or home improvement store has mulch on “super sale” two weeks after I bought truckloads at full price. Needless to say, I have already applied the mulch.

Terrace Four

Discovering that all the areas in which I spread my arduously homemade compost is now sprouting all the weeds and vegetables that went into the compost in the first place. Do I need this?

Terrace Five

Getting bug-bit, poison-ivy-rashed, scared-to-death with a tick encounter (really scary if one lives in Lyme Disease or West Nile Virus territory.) Would gardeners in other parts of the country want to add snakes, scorpions, and alligators?

Terrace Six

Returning from a short vacation to find that the designated plant waterer missed a section of garden. Sad.

Drum roll for the worst terrace...

Terrace Seven

Waking up to a partially cloudy, slightly comfy-breezy, perfect temperature and perfect humidity day with light rain predicted for the next day (which would nicely quench the thirst of the three flats of gorgeous tender seedlings I am eager to plant) and knowing...

I HAVE TO GO TO WORK!!!!!!!!! (harrrrgh.)


It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it. And, may no one develop a 12-Step Plan to cure it! I adore my addiction.

As long as Maren Morgan functions in her daily life, please allow her to continue playing in the mud.

Text and photos copyright 2011 Maren Morgan


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