Home Safety Tips From the Safety 'Oops' Expert

A humorous take on home safety. Some names have been omitted to protect the guilty.

You have heard it said that the majority of accidents happen at home. Judging from personal, painful, and embarrassing experience, this is true, and I have multiple scars to prove it.

Because I have been an unofficial home safety expert since birth, I hope you will take the following tips to heart. Please post them in conspicuous places in your home so your family members will be reminded that safety should always come first.

If you must lay an electrical cord across a frequently trafficked area in your home, place a throw rug or a flashing highway barricade over the cord. Do not make the mistake of assuming you are young and limber enough to hop over an uncovered cord, provided you actually remember the cord is there. An incorrect, prideful assumption regarding your age, memory, or physical fitness could result in an unexpected, nasty accident.

Most of us are familiar with the saying "pride goeth before a fall." This safety expert's knees, hands, back, and nose have felt the effects of prideful assumption. The results were not pretty. Unless you choose to end up scarred and limping, follow the advice of the safety-conscious Amish...avoid electrical cords at all cost.

While attempting to reach items on the highest shelves of a closet or cupboard, do not ask a six-year-old to steady the step stool on which you are standing. It is a well-known medical fact that six-year-olds cannot remain still for more than two seconds at a time and, therefore, do not make good safety assistants. In fact, if a six-year-old touches the step stool, you will most likely find yourself in a heap on the floor, recovering your dignity in time to see your assistant hastily retreating.

In light of this important medical knowledge and in the interest of safety, it is best to bar the six-year-old from the room and take your chances alone on the step stool. You will fare better that way.

If one of your child's household chores is watering your indoor plants, be certain to provide an approved watering can and instruct your youngster in its proper use. Under no circunstances should your child be allowed to bring a garden hose into the home for the purpose of watering house plants. If a hose is used indoors, excessive water spillage could result.

The Home Accident Law of Averages dictates that, immediately after you notice your plants have been watered well, you will discover that your tile or hardwood floor also has been watered well and is now extremely slippery. It is this safety expert's opinion that all garden hoses should remain outside, along with any children who reside on the premises.

After finding the perfect picture for your living room wall, you will need the help of a strong male to safely hang your large, heavy new work of art. Your husband is the most likely candidate. When you have succeeded in extracting your spouse from his recliner, which you must do while bending from the knees and lifting with your arms to prevent injury to your back, you are ready to work together to accomplish the task.

Your husband's job is to hold the picture up against the wall in its approximate permanent location. You must instruct him to move the picture a little to the left or right and up or down until perfect balance is achieved. While he holds the picture in that position, you should walk, never run, to the garage to secure a hammer and nails.

While you are in the garage deciding what size nails are needed, you might hear your husband calling for you. Be aware that the irritation in his voice will be due to his impatience to admire your new picture once it is hung.

As you are choosing the correct type of hammer, it is possible you will hear a loud crash from inside the house. Do not be alarmed. Noises such as this are quite common when husbands and wives work together on home decorating projects. Pay no attention, but continue with your hammer selection.

Upon returning to the living room, if you should happen to find your husband in his recliner, holding his foot and muttering words you don't want your children to hear, and your new work of art in pieces on the floor, you should know that your husband will recover. However, your picture will not.

To avoid this type of home acccident in the future, my recommendation is to hire a professional decorator and book a hotel room with a big screen TV for your husband until the home decorating job is finished. It is always better to be safe than sorry.

Because there are many teenagers in the world, it is quite possible that at least one of these young people lives in your house. If this is the case, it might be unwise to rearrange the living room furniture after your teenager has gone out with his or her friends for the evening. When your teen returns home an hour and a half after curfew, he or she could trip over the newly arranged furniture in the darkened house and break a toe or even a lamp.

On a positive note, if you do decide to rearrange the furniture, you will know without a doubt that your teen has arrived home safely. Armed with this important information, you should weigh carefully the pros and cons of rearranging furniture during your teenager's absence.

While in the process of meal preparation, it is often necessary to use a sharp knife to cut up fresh fruit, vegetables, or raw meat. If your menu includes hamburgers and the hamburger patties are frozen together, it is not a good idea to allow your husband to pry them apart with a sharp knife. This could result in serious injury to his non-knife wielding hand and require a speedy trip to the hospital emergency room where a doctor will clean his bloody wound with an antiseptic that stings like the bites of a hundred angry fire ants. Then, the doctor will anesthetize your husband's hand by giving it a large shot of anesthesia. Your spouse must continue to sit still while his wound is closed with seven stitches. Then, for good measure, he will receive a painful tetanus shot.

To avoid an unpleasant experience such as the purely hypothetical one mentioned above, keep sharp knives out of sight. Then, your husband won't be able to find one and use it to hurt himself.

NOTE: The preceding safety tips were provided by the Safety 'Oops' Expert. Remember, safety comes first, even if it means locking your family out of the house to prevent home accidents.

© 2012 Mary R. Schutter