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House Cleaning Tips For The Procrastinator-How To Avoid Vacuuming

Updated on August 7, 2013

Vacuuming Sucks!

Lets face it, we are busy people. We have relationships, friends, children, families, pets, hobbies, jobs, and the need to spend a certain amount of time doing nothing at all. House cleaning chores can seriously cut into the time that these other obligations require.

Join me now as I provide you with --- reasons for not vacuuming your floors. This should be at least six months worth of valid excuses, however if for some reason you use them up too fast and still have to clean, some excellent time saving strategies are included as well.

Put away those Hoovers and Eurekas! The time to be free is upon us!

A Dozen Good Reasons Not To Vacuum...

  • It costs too much to run the vacuum
  • Its wears the carpet out faster
  • It scares the baby.
  • It might wake my partner
  • It scares the cat.
  • It scares the dog.
  • It hurts my ears.
  • It makes me want to sing badly.
  • People know I'm home if they hear the vacuum.
  • It disturbs the spiders.
  • It makes the rest of the house look dirty.
  • All the electrical outlets are being used already.

Some Quick Cleaning Tips

Those excuses aren't working for you? OR did you forget them when the time came? Either way, you've pulled out the vacuum cleaner and are prepared to do some dirty work. Here are some quick ways to get the room clean faster:

  • Turn the lights off before vacuuming, and only vacuum what shows up. This works better with a vacuum cleaner that has no headlights.
  • Don't de-clutter floors before cleaning. Not only is it faster to vacuum the narrow paths between toys, but anything that gets inhaled by the machine doesn't have to be picked up later.

Now, here are some fresh excuses:

A Dozen More Reasons Not to Vacuum!

  • The bag is full
  • I don't know how to empty the canister.
  • It made a funny noise.
  • I don't want to wear it out.
  • I'm seeing how dirty a carpet can get before someone else vacuums it.
  • It is against my religion to vacuum today.
  • I lost all of the hose attachments.
  • I think I vacuumed up an earring. I don't want to lose anything else!
  • It isn't safe to vacuum during thunderstorms.
  • I love to vacuum so much that I gave it up for Lent.
  • I bought a new type of carpet freshener.It is supposed to stay down for at least three weeks.
  • I read an urban legend that said vacuuming can suck the color out of the carpet.

More Vacuuming Tips

So, you have put off vacuuming two dozen times, and now you REALLY need to clean the floors. That's okay. Here are some more ideas for making it a pain-free chore:

  • Raise the vacuum to the highest setting. It might not pick anything up, but it is a lot easier to push!
  • Make lots of criss-cross motions, even if the machine isn't plugged in. This gives a carpet the "newly vacuumed" look.
  • Cut down on vacuuming sessions by wearing double sided tape on your shoe soles. This will pick up most noticeable debris as you putter around the house.

Even More Ways To Avoid Vacuuming

  • I keep the floor gritty on purpose. It helps my soft-shoe routine.
  • It will just get dirty again.
  • Honey...someone stole our vacuum cleaner today.
  • The hose is clogged.
  • Vacuuming triggers my allergies.
  • I'm boycotting X vacuum brand.
  • It isn't dirty, that is the color of the carpet.
  • I'm waiting for the dirt to reach the top of the carpet fibers.
  • I bought that color so I wouldn't HAVE to vacuum it.
  • It isn't self-cleaning?
  • The sand adds traction.
  • That is to keep people from sitting on the floor.

Vacuum Cleaner Maintenance

Even though your vacuum cleaner should be well-rested after you read this, it will still require some scheduled upkeep to make sure it functions properly for decades to come. Here are tips for the care and feeding of your favorite appliance:

  • Change the bag on your vacuum right before or just after it explodes from being overfilled.
  • Empty a bag-less vacuum canister when you can no longer see any motion due to the accumulated debris.
  • Clean the beater bar on the vacuum anytime it starts to smell like burning tires.
  • Replace broken belts when you can no longer pretend that you don't notice the vacuum isn't picking anything up.
  • Use WD-40 on any moving vacuum parts whenever you want to appear handy and mechanically inclined.
  • Wash or replace the filters anytime the vacuum emits a stale "gym sock" odor when it is running.
  • Unclog hoses when the high-pitched whining sound becomes annoying, or when you need to use whatever is in the hose.

And Yet More Excuses For Not Vacuuming

  • I'm afraid it will blow up.
  • I have a phobia of vacuum cleaners.
  • It has a three-prongy-thing plug, and my outlet dealies only have, like two holes?
  • I can't hear the television over the noise.
  • I'm Googling how to fix the vacuum.
  • I've never liked vacuums after what happened to my hamster that one time...
  • I'm waiting for the floor to get dirtier so it will actually look like I cleaned it.
  • I bought the wrong belts.
  • If we don't use it, it will have more re-sell value.
  • The vacuum is possessed. We are waiting for the exorcism.

Final Words

Now you are fully equipped to go out and not vacuum. As long as you use your excuses wisely, and never twice in a row, you should be able to procrastinate at least four months with these ideas. Say goodbye to the hassle of hoses. No more almost being done with a room when you run out of extra cord.

No more wondering where a certain attachment is, or whether or not that is a fur-ball or a whole cat wrapped in the beater brush. Don't wonder whether or not a strange noise will eventually mean a hefty repair bill. Closet your suction beast, and get out a good book. Life is too short to spend it in a vacuum.

Vacuum Reviews

Here are some helpful links for that special day when you have to buy a vacuum. Keep in mind that if you do not like to vacuum, and would like to excuse yourself from this task, then you need to look for a machine with more negative aspects than positive.

If you read a rave review on a vacuum cleaner, then chances are that if you purchase it, you will have wasted a lot of money on an appliance that does exactly what it is supposed to do. If you watch television commercials then you know that the moment you get the perfect product, you will be forced to pretend that you love housecleaning. If you buy the right vacuum, you will be transformed into that person that smiles when a muddy dog runs across your snow white carpet,. Don't be this person. Read these reviews carefully and preferably while sober.

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    • Denise Handlon profile image

      Denise Handlon 4 years ago from North Carolina

      Funny and interesting! I wrote a hub about how to get out of housework by hiring a housecleaner, haha. Thanks for the great excuses and the tips here. :)

    • Sherry Hewins profile image

      Sherry Hewins 4 years ago from Sierra Foothills, CA

      It sounds like I may never have to vacuum again!

    • Denise Handlon profile image

      Denise Handlon 4 years ago from North Carolina

      Hahhaha. That's funny!

    • Sharkye11 profile image
      Author

      Jayme Kinsey 4 years ago from Oklahoma

      @ Denise--Thanks! If I could afford a housecleaner I wouldn't have to make excuses! As it is I just use Hubpages for my excuse not to do anything. If my family starts complaining, I just show them the earnings page. :)

    • Sharkye11 profile image
      Author

      Jayme Kinsey 4 years ago from Oklahoma

      @Sherry--If you run out of excuses I could probably whip up some more! :)

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 2 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Sharkye11, my favorite excuse for not vacuuming: I read that it's possible to grow a flower garden indoors, so I've sprinkled seeds all over the living room carpet and am waiting for them to sprout. (More believable if holding a watering can while saying it.) ;D

    • Sharkye11 profile image
      Author

      Jayme Kinsey 2 years ago from Oklahoma

      @JamaGenee--OMG! That is a great idea! When I had the carpets that would have been perfect...a nice indoor grass mat! Maybe I can still use that for the bedroom floor...:)

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