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The Greatest and Best...est Tips For First Time Home Buyers

Updated on September 10, 2009

The Greatest and Best...est Tips For First Time Home Buyers

Exciting! You are about to be a first time home buyer. You have researched your face off and think that you have found the right house. You have consulted all your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/dog and they all think it is a good idea. But what the hell do they know? They have never bought a house before. They don't know the terrors that can come with a new home. Do you know about these terrors? I know life is "beautiful," but you do not want to be stuck with a house that is covered in mouse turd. Do you? If you do then continue on with what you are doing. I am sure you will find that type of house. However, if you are interested in a turdless house, I recommend you read tips for first time home buyers--this is you.

My magical tips for first time home buyers:

  • Make sure your house exists. Don't be a complete idiot and buy a house off of eBay and expect it to be there 100% of the time. Yeah, everyone is true to there word...yeah. If you follow trough with this method, you could be looking at a house that is currently occupying people. Yes, you have been scammed. But good for you! You deserve this because you are an idiot that purchase a house off of a picture on a computer screen. Here is advice, take a trip out to see the property before you purchase it. Lets be smart people.
  • Make sure your house does not look ugly. I have seen some pretty ugly houses. I swear, there was this house that looked like it was made by the makers of Lego (Not saying that Lego doesn't make cool house...for toy people). What kind of person wants to put that out for public viewing. I know there are those type of people out there that want to be unique. Thus, if you are that person go ahead and purchase that kind of house. If you are not that type of person, I recommend that you get another opinion from another person. Whatever the majority says will determine whether the house looks good or not. We want pretty houses!
  • Make sure you have enough money in your account to pay for the house. So you have decided on the house you want, contacted the realtor, closed the deal and being to feel like it is you new home. Oh wait! There is no money in your account that can cover the cost of the house. DON'T BE STUPID! Make sure you have enough money to buy the house. Don't waste the time of the people who are helping you buy the house. Remember, no money in the bank means no house that you own. It is really simple.
  • Make sure you are not living close to relatives. Do you have a tight nit family? Do you already live with family? If life is perfect with them then don't worry about this tip. However, if you hate you family always bugging you then make sure you own a house that is far far far far far away from them. Do you want an Everybody Love Raymond situation? If not pick a house in the Arctic to play it safe.
  • Make sure there are no serial killers in the neighborhood. Maybe you have the best house in the world picked out, but do you know the people that live around you? What happens if they have been on a killing spree before? Do you want to be a part of their next killing spree. If you don't want to be part of that, find out about the neighborhood your going to be living in.
  • Make sure there are no bugs or rodents infesting the place. You have a beautiful home. You walk around and open the cupboard. Ahhhhhh! There are roaches everywhere--not the good kind too. This is gross. If you want to live in a non-infested house, find out if there is a bug or rodent problem before you put money down on anything. But if they are the other kind of roach...well.
  • Make sure your home is not falling off of anything. Think about it: You are sitting at you kitchen table admiring the view. You say to your wife or husband, "Look at the sunset dear. Isn't it beautiful?" She or he turns to you and nods. You are both so happy. NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU HAVE FALLEN DOWN A CLIFF! This was because you didn't know your house was on top of a hill that has a landslide problem. Really consider this people.

These were tips for first time home buyers. Following these rules will ensure that you buy a house that is perfect. Also, if you follow all these tips, it will make sure that you are not a totally waste of skin as a human being. Good luck. P.S. if your house is infested with roach type 2, invite everyone over for a party.


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