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Weeding manual STRICTLY for women

Updated on August 18, 2010
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What is a weed?

Various dictionaries define a weed as being someone who is ungainly, scrawny, underweight, skinny, lacking in muscles, scraggy, thin and physically weak in appearance. Basically, a weed is a particular male body type which most women supposedly find unattractive in a man. There are of course, those women who do get turned on by a rib poking into them. I, on the other hand, do not find ribs poking into me a turn on. For me, there are other parts which could be a turn on if they...Sorry, going off on a tangent. Just had a mental image there and had to clear my mind. Back to weeds. A weed is a person who helped Charles Atlas to make a fortune from the thirties right up until his death in 1972. The same Charles Atlas who is forever imortalised in the movie, the Rocky Horror Picture Show, when Tim Curry aka Dr. Frankenfurter, sang, "And in just seven days, I can make you a man...I'm going to take Charles Atlas by the hand." Okay, I digress. For men, a skinny woman like the top models, is sexy. For a woman, a skinny man is a weed. And, weeds have to be eradicated, right?

How to pull weeds and then eliminate them

 First off, I'd like to say that eliminating men just because they're weeds is a bit cruel and could be bordering on the psychopathic.  I do believe that weeds have their place in society and they play an important role.  Many weeds actually earn good salaries, and contrary to popular opinion, could be sexual studs in the bedroom.

However, once again I digress.  The best way to pull weeds, is to have a few nude women with equally skinny frames, wearing high heels and suspenders standing in front of the place where you are trying to get the weeds into.  You might pick up a few non-weeds as well though, which could be a problem, seeing as those aren't the ones you are trying to pull.  Another good pulling technique, could be to offer them something free.  If they are geeky and weedy, a new top of the range iphone for free might just do the trick and you might pull a lot that way.  A free trip to an exotic location will probably not pull any, as many are too embarrassed to show off their scrawny physiques in a beach setting.  Free tickets to a Thai ping pong show, where luscious wenches shoot out ping pong balls from their nether regions, showing highly developed muscles which could amputate a penis at the top of its shaft, might do the trick.  The weeds would be attracted to an obvious display of highly developed muscles.  The fascination with such muscular strength would definitely pull them in.

The most sure fire way of pulling weeds would be to follow Charles Atlas's approach.  Point out their failings as a 97 pound weakling who'll get sand kicked in his face by the bully, and then show them the benefits of a 7 day muscle building plan.

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How to eliminate weeds naturally

 The unnatural way would be to force-feed the weed steroids and we don't want to do that as it is a known fact that steroids make men ultra-aggressive.  So, steroids are definitely a no-no.  Maybe we can do it along the Super Size Me lines and force feed weeds Macdonalds meals five times a day.  But hey, with all the preservatives in junk food, I have to say, that might not be so natural either.

The natural way will be to get them to eat copious amounts of good healthy food like chocolate cake with caramel filling, bread puddings cooked with condensed milk, and other similar gastronomic delights, all washed down by a swig or three from a few pints of beer.  Of course, that might get the weeds completely inhebriated, that they stagger drunkenly into the street, intoxicated fumes polluting our clean air, before they get hit by a maniacly depressed hit and run driver speeding around the corner.  That would be one way to eliminate a weed, but won't be a pretty sight to see and might ruin our appetite for a few days after.

The best natural way to eliminate a weed, in my point of view, is to get them on some fitness/exercise program, where they give up their day jobs to go to the gym full time, every day, six days a week.  They are allowed one day off to practise their religion.  Regular workouts and brainwashing by showing the weeds Charles Atlas videos and movie clips of body building competitions for approximately three hours a day, will get their mind psyched into getting fit and muscular and putting meat on their bones.  We have been told many times that it's all in the mind, and it's mind over matter, so if you can get into their psyche it stands to reason they'll automatically gain weight in all the right places.

Weeds are an integral part of society and it's not a good idea to eliminate them permanently.  Rather, we can adapt them into a state which we find acceptable.  It's quite easy to pull weeds if we offer them the right incentive.  Most weeds have a poor self-image, so brainwashing them with body building movie clips is a sure way to inspire them to set realistic goals for themselves and their scrawny, underweight, physically weak bodies.  So, have you hugged a weed today?

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    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      lol Thanks Anna! AE was a little surprised at the way I answered her request about eliminating weeds!

    • Anna Marie Bowman profile image

      Anna Marie Bowman 

      9 years ago from Florida

      ROTFL!!!! I don't know what else to say!! I just had to comment, though!! Another great one!!!

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      They do say that when people stop body building like that, it all turns to fat. I'm not sure if that is fact or just speculation.

    • Raven King profile image

      Raven King 

      9 years ago from Cabin Fever

      You said it. Amen.

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks Raven. Yes, have to agree, I do like the odd muscle or two but those men in the pics give me the creeps.

    • Raven King profile image

      Raven King 

      9 years ago from Cabin Fever

      I think those muscle men photos are scary. You have a truly creative hub.

      Nice to meet you Cindy!

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      Why, thanks you Miz Evans, cashew or hazel? I'm pleased you are not too upset that I didn't write a about a pesky plant, as it was your request after all.

      Glad you enjoyed it, Sally! A weeding manual is necessary for every woman. I went to X'An this past weekend to look at the terracotta warriors and we stopped off at Banpo Neolythic Village - some ruins that date 6000 years back. But, the interesting thing is that they had a matriarchal society, where one woman had many husbands, Each husband had a different duty - one for cleaning, one for hunting, one for cooking, one for weeding, etc. I could live like that easily and I wonder if they had some kind of Weeding Manual to be able to choose the right husband for the job.

    • Sally's Trove profile image

      Sherri 

      9 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

      I don't know which made me laugh harder, the Hub or the dialog between you and Chris about the title. This whole thing is a riot! As for the current title, I never once thought "wedding". I simply wondered why women should have their own weeding manual. ROTFLMAO. Thumbs up!

    • AEvans profile image

      Julianna 

      9 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

      Cindy you are a nut, now I know how to pull the weeds and get rid of them too!! What a creative mind I do have to say :D :):):):

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      Yeah, actually first thing I thought of when I saw it, thought mmmmm, a butterfly coming out of a cocoon!

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 

      9 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Uhhmmmm, uhhhhmmmm, I'm cocooning! LOL. I seriously like the word. hahaha. See my avatar? Before it became a butterfly, I have been cocooning.

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      Cool, nothing wrong with cocooning! Hahah, I've got the whole staff at my school talking about cocooning now. People are shocked that everybody does it. They all thought they were unique!

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 

      9 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      hahaha. In that case, i like your mind. pretty natural for a writer, huh! I'm cocooning, right now. :)

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      Hi Sheena, nice to meet you too. Yep, the title was all Cris's idea. I'm sure the requester probably wanted something about plants, but when I saw the request, I immediately thought of Rocky and Dr. Frankenfurter in Rocky Horror, and making a man from a weed. Ahhhhh, my mind probably works strangely...

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      Hey, you are a genius! mmmmm, smart and good-looking and definitely not a weed...

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 

      9 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Stricly for women got my attention. I was thinking what the h is Cris doing in a hub stricly for women. I decided to follow him. And it was all good. Very funny.

      Hi Cindy, nice to meet you. :)

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 

      9 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Oh well you can't please everybody. Besides if they won't eventually read realising it's not about weddings, a click is a view! :D

      I think you should expect sixty any moment now :D

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      okay, have changed it to the weeding manual strictly for women. Thanks Cris, give you all the credit for that one! You do realise though, that some poor suckers are going to think that it's probably a spelling mistake, and should actually be Wedding manual hahahaha

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 

      9 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      LOL okay whatever floats your boat and IT IS your hub! But that was fun :D

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      mmmm....might just stick with my current title. It's kind of growing on me like green mould on ten day old bread.

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 

      9 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      how's about "weeding out mr right" or something in that vein? nah...

      Or the Weeding Manual STRICTLY for Women! That should tease, I think! LOL

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks Teresa, am still debating the title as not sure how many people might want to read about plants! Not that the hub is really about plants, but then, if I change the title to something more obvious, it kind of spoils it a bit, don't you think?

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 

      9 years ago from The Other Bangor

      (Un-)Natural Selection?

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 

      9 years ago from The Other Bangor

      Very funny. Warped, but funny. I like that!

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      How about, Weeding out the men

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 

      9 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Hmmm how's "of weeds and men"? Nah...

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      Okay, have now called it What to do with a weed after you've pulled it.  Mmmm...now that sounds slightly kinky, maybe  should change the title again

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 

      9 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      well now you're the cunning linguist remember?! LOL okay I'm thinking but do not wait too long! :D

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      ok, gimme a good title

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 

      9 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Yes I think you should. You still can edit! Go! :D

    • cindyvine profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      Why, thank you kindly Mr Cris. I was thinking afterwards though, should have changed the request title, as who the hell wants to read a hub about a damn pesty plant?

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 

      9 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Hey I worked my way into being a weed! I once weighed, hold your breath, 180+ lbs! And for my height I sure did look like Gimli! Now I'm down to 125+ which is fine by me, Light as a feather, stings like a bee (i know that should be floats like a butterfly but I'm no Ali!) That said, can I LOL now?

      LOL this was fun! I think I read the request for this and thought somebody would come up with a twisted hub about MJ, salvia, yeah weeds! But this caught my ass by surprise! You really know how to have fun Miss Vine! :D

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