Acceptance a personal revelation
Acceptance, a personal truth
Acceptance....It has taken far too long to fully acknowledge the meaning of this word. What sudden clarity have I undergone to gain this understanding? Pain. I've suffered more than most although not as bad as some. What does this have to do with anything? Well every time you encounter the ugly feelings others invoke in you (because they don't make you feel it, you do – but it's still their fault for being fuckwits) you develop an inner demon which you must fight, slay and move on.
Often we never fully slay them demons and when we think we've dealt with it, they rear their heads, say up yours and drag you down into the pits of 'why me', 'no one loves me' and 'I'm worthless, who would want me?'. It's true.
This week I accepted who I was, where I'm going and what it means to me. I discovered this revelation whilst observing someone dear to me reach their own revelations. They sat with heart in hand and spoke of their deepest darkest thoughts and trusted me with it. That's an awesome feeling. I discovered to my own surprise that I accepted them for who they are, warts and all and was not at all repulsed, infact I admired them even more for it. From this, I found even more alarming was that I was able to face honesty my part in my own downfall. I'm not saying others weren't to blame but where I had failed to act, been passive and allowed someone to do those things to me. That is a hard lesson to learn.
So with that in mind, I set about releasing me from those demons that have haunted me this many year. Acknowledging them isn't enough. Accepting they are an ugly part of me that I need to cut off was. I created a clay doll for each thing that haunted me (although the largest was left out because that's another story and needs careful consideration), dried it out over night and then the next night had a bonfire, smashed up the dolls and threw them into the fire. Fire cleanses. The words I wrote to accompany each murder of the dolls released me too. The full moon beamed down and I thanked her for her attendance.
So here I sit, I smell of smoke, my eyes sting from the smoke and I'm half drunk on power and mead. My mind is a quiet blanket of contemplation. My whole life I have felt I wasn't good enough, that no one would want me, that I wouldn't be considered…. It has held me back in so many ways.
My future is no longer reflected by the past. I know what I want and I have to wait for that. I accept that.. I get that now. I think it's worth the wait, no – I know it's worth the wait. Regret is another thing but that's one demon I'm holding onto for now. I wish I had felt I was worth the love of so many people who sought it. I missed so many opportunities and spent all these years waiting blindly. Regret will help me reflect and when it's time to accept the past happened for a reason, I will smash that bastard demon up too.
Acceptance. It's not as easy as it seems. It's a huge thing for me. I understand now… I can only wait and see what the harvest brings.
Never let anyone make you feel that you don't deserve what you want.
Goodbye 'rejection', 'betrayal', 'fear' and 'bully' - you do not control me and no longer have any power over me. I am at peace with this.