Bachelor Jason ep 1

I love Jason, so I'm pretty excited about this new season of The Bachelor. Besides, that means a whole new crop of desperate women to scrutinize and ridicule. What more could I possibly ask for? Let's get this party started with episode numero uno.

The flashbacks to The Bachelorette finale made me so uncomfortable! Why did she let him get all the way down on his knee and spout off all that stuff before pooping on his parade? She's heinous. I hope they don't show that like 400 times.

I hope he doesn't use incorrect grammar the entire season or he's going to quickly lose points. He said, "Her and I weren't meant to be." Obviously, HE AND I aren't meant to be either!

The little montage of him working out topless and then randomly posing all over Seattle for the camera reminded me why this is the king of reality TV show dating. It's like they are trying to spice up his nice-guy persona with a little soap opera stud. Not that I'm complaining...

I guess the reason he's still single is because he makes statements like "Los Angeles is the perfect place to meet a good woman." The only reason LA has potential of working out for him is because ABC is shipping in girls from all over the country. We'll have to see if any LA women make it to the final rose to test his theory.

If there are an excess of Sleepless in Seattle references this season, I'm gonna throw my shoe at the TV.

First impressions are everything, so what's wrong with all these girls' eyebrows? 90% of them overdid the plucking and waxing. I hope they let some eyebrow grow back in or that is going to be really distracting.

We've got ourselves a winner already in Shannon, the dental hygienist: "I know Jason has a gorgeous smile because I've seen it." She should leave the dental world and go into rocket science.

Now onto the ladies! I am probably going to miss some names, but most of these broads will be kicked out before it even matters anyway. Stacia obviously hasn't wasted much time, since she has two kids at 24. Her kids are cute, at least.

Then of course there's a pageant girl, the lineup wouldn't be complete without one, sweetly followed by an LA girl talking about stereotypes. She sure does break them by making out with her gross little dog and babbling bout vision boards. I would have never guessed she was from LA if she hadn't told me. She's like so totally different from all of them, like oh my god!

I noticed there are a lot of single moms and divorcees. I guess they went from never having any, to filling the show with them. It'll be interesting to see how that all shakes out.

Stephanie's story about her husband has made me not want to talk smack about her. That will also be interesting to see how that plays out.

Oh lawd, there's a girl from Marlboro, New Jersey. She's just there to class up the place, I'm sure.

On a positive note, Melissa has potential to be his type. She's a lot like Jenni from Brad's season (you know, the one where DeAnna got rejected). It's early, but I'm gonna keep my eye on her. Although, I fear it was her idea to do that awful cheer in the limo on the way to see Jason.

Chris Harrison really makes this show great. What other response is there to someone saying, "Obviously you haven't been so lucky in love," other than "thanks?" Let's discuss how Jason followed up a divorce with an embarrassing rejection on national television. My dog died when I was twelve, want to discuss that too? Great work. I'm shocked Chris is just a lowly reality TV host. I mean, it takes some real talent to read those questions.

Of course, the chick from New Jersey shows up to the party in an animal print dress. What else would she wear? Jason thought Kari looked "gorgeous," and he kissed her like three times. Noted.

Why did Sharon say "officially" after giving her name? My name is Meg officially, unofficially it's Sam. She scares me. Speaking of frightening, Natalie fake bakes big time. There's not enough sun in Chicago to get that orange, honey.

Isn't it interesting that Jackie, the wedding coordinator, planned the perfect wedding and then was only married for a year? Check her suitcase and make sure she doesn't have a wedding dress and a venue already booked.

Lisa is pretty awkward looking, like she lost a lot of weight and now her head is too big for her body. Do people from Idaho bring up potatoes when introducing themselves?

Someone might want to mention to Jason that people from Brazil speak Portuguese. Maybe that's why the Brazilian laughed at him when he said he speaks a little Spanish.

Renee is TINY. He's not a tall dude and she was like a head and a half shorter than him and she was in heels.

Jillian was one of the few who really pulled out a gimmick during the initial introductions. We'll see where this hot dog topping crazy-talk leads.

Dominique has some wily hair. I guess there's not much to do in her part of Pennsylvania, so she spends a lot of time on her ‘do. Why was she laughing the entire time? Did the hairspray fumes get to her?

Leave it to Shannon to pull out fake teeth. That didn't work for that one crazy girl a few years back with the orange peel. I really need to stop watching this show.

Overall observations: there sure were a lot of sequin and sparkles all over. It sort of cancels out the stand-out factor when everyone else is wearing the same thing as you. There were also a lot of girls from Texas and Chicago. I wonder if he put that as a preference (what kind of a preference is that?). What was up with all the Canadians, eh?

Naomi sounds like hit the bottle a little too hard along with Jackie.

I don't care what she says, Shannon is a stalker (and I know stalkers). His face was priceless when she was just babbling on and on. He must have been prompted to say he found it flattering, and reassured that he had plenty of security just in case.

Dom is crazy. That's all I can say. Toe implants, yep. She defaulted back to giggling excessively too, so that was nice.

I can't believe Sharon gave up her job on a whim. She probably shouldn't have told him that right away. He could keep her out of guilt, or send her home because the stench of desperation is overwhelming.

There always seems to be a girl who writes a poem or a song. Personally, I think that's creepy. Wait until you know me a few hours before you start using me as inspiration. Geeze.

I don't agree with Jillian's hot dog theory. Where's the relish? A lot of those choices are based on where you're from, not how you treat your ladies. Everyone knows that the type of bed sheets a guy uses is how you figure out if he's a player or not. Now Jason has hot dog breath. Nice work.

Let's be serious, he really couldn't wait to talk to Nikki because of her neckline. It creeps me out when these girls talk about how they want to be a mom immediately. TICK, TICK, TICK. Can ya hear it? TICK, TICK, TICK.

I thought there was going to be a cat fight between Raquel and Molly over the dancing. That would have made a great first episode. Maybe I should cut back on watching Rock of Love...

I should, however, start counting how many times the words "fate" and "destiny" get thrown around.

If your kid is 14 months old, I don't recommend going on national TV to score a husband.

The whole voting thing was really messed up. That makes it more of a game show, rather than a quest for true love (like that, ABC?). It sounded like Jason thought some of the girls just wouldn't have voted. That's a classy move, but unlikely anyone abstained. It was a smart way to stir up drama, by giving the least popular girl a rose. However, what if it was a girl Jason didn't like? That's bunk.

Jackie's overindulgence in alcohol led her to broadcast her less-than-stellar dating history. It sounds like she doesn't handle breaking engagements well (and we all know that's likely going to be the result of this show), so that's good information.

He digs brunettes big time. Kind of not surprising that he chose Nikki-in that dress.

Did the sound editor fall asleep on the job? There were a bunch of places where Chris Harrison's voice was obviously added in after. Yikes.

He said, "Her and I" again while deliberating.

Dirty Jerz (or Lauren) is my fella's favorite and she got the first rose. It's totally the animal print.

A lot of these girls are like those magic eye posters--depending on which way you look at them they're either really pretty or very unsightly.

I'm glad Stephanie got a rose, but I don't see them ending up together. She looks like she could be his aunt. I'm not sure what that means, but that doesn't make it any less true.

Shannon gets to stick around and get on my nerves some more. Yay.

Twenty-five is a lot of girls, and there were quite a few that I didn't even recognize during the rose ceremony. Erika looked like she just won Miss USA when she got the last rose.

NO TEARS! That's got to be a record for the first elimination.

Ok Miss Vision Boards, do us all a favor and go home quietly. Jackie-the-drunk got shown the door again. Go rent The Wedding Planner and eat some ice cream. A little bit of advice, stop trying to force relationships. That never works for anyone. It's like the wise men, Outkast, said: "You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather."

I noticed that he takes someone with a southern accent to New Zealand. I can't wait for the DeAnna episodes. What the crunk?