Family Reality TV - Feuds, Fights and Felonies

Just because a celebrity gets old, stops doing what made them famous and ceases to earn money the same way, doesn't mean that they can't still cash in on their fame in a new way, and thanks to the miracle of reality television they can now exploit their families and children.

What's the point of spawning children if you can't put them to work in some fashion after all?

I'm now going to take a look at the best and the worst of this reality tv sub genre. Please feel free to rip this off in your media studies projects, just reference me. I always wanted to be referenced.

THE WORST - Growing Up Gotti

If you don't know why Victoria Gotti is famous, it is probably best to stay in the dark, you don't want to get messed up in this stuff. 'Growing Up Gotti' looses the family reality tv show contest by a country mile. It features her spoiled teenage brat sons who have apparently done nothing but study the art of being boringly average to such a high level that they should probably be given honorary doctorates.

Victoria tortures viewers with her bland and monotone narration as she drifts through life to the whiny encouragement of her very camp friend. Don't expect insight, humor, or anything aside from statements of the extreme obvious, and you won't be dissapointed.

In case you needed an additional reason to dislike her she is a huge fan of fur, and doesn't seem to give a damn about where it comes from or the suffering incurred in procuring it. This probably comes from being the daughter of an infamous mob boss though, so maybe we should cut her some slack. It's somewhat surprising she doesn't personally put hits out on the minks and chinchillas that hideously adorn her gaunt frame.

COULD DO BETTER - Gene Simmons Family Jewels

The Simmons Family is formed by fleshy satellites that orbit around the massive ego that is Gene Simmons. No-one on the planet has a higher opinion of Gene Simmons than Gene Simmons himself. He's misogynistic, brash, and rude though in spite of all his macho posturing you kind of get the ides that this is really actually a nice guy underneath it all. He must be surely, its the only explanation for why his family haven't pushed him down the stairs and claimed the life insurance yet.

BEST IN SHOW - The Osbournes

Charming. Delightful. Obnoxious of course. I don't hate the Osbournes, even though they rejoice in giving us a reason to. Kelly, Jack and Sharon Osbourne are all characters in their own rights, but the real star of the show is, without a doubt, Ozzy.

Ozzy is actually talented after all, and he does nothing to hide the toll that years of drugs have taken on his system. Ozzy is a real man. He can't work his television remote, he likes to color in picture books, and his loose grasp on reality never gets him down.

Don't tell him, but he's positively lovable, even more lovable than those little fuzz balls of dogs they have running about everywhere and have never bothered to house break.