Five Tests For Choosing A Husband
Choosing a husband can be the most difficult thing a woman will ever do. There are so many factors to think about. Do you want a big one or a small one? Do you want a rich one, or one who will stay home with the kids? Do you want one that will take out the trash when its full, or do you want a flying unicorn named Otis (the last two are about as likely as the other to happen.)
Because it's so hard to chose a husband, I've decided to compile this list of tests for women to use when trying to find themselves a suitable husband.
The 'If You Loved Me, You'd Know Why' Test
This test tends to be a great favorite with women and simply involves making a man guess why you're angry at him. For this test, no obvious cues should be given, but bitter cryptic statements are permissible. For example, if he forgot to pick up your dry cleaning, thereby illustrating your relative unimportance in his life, then under no circumstances should you mention the dry cleaning, but statements such as "it's alright for your mother, isn't it!" are encouraged.
The 'Birthday Present' Test
This is where the man must use his ingenuity to guess what you want for a birthday present. You will have a specific item in mind, and he will be awarded points for how close he comes to actually buying said item. Hints may be given in the form of pronounced staring in shop windows, and catalogs carefully left lying around open to the page of your desired object, but they rarely help.
The 'When's Our Anniversary' Test
This is a test that stretches a man's memory recall to the limit. Not only must he remember your anniversary, he should also remember what song was playing when you first kissed over your Fettuccine, and what color shirt the waiter was wearing. Failure to recall any of these facts dooms him to the couch for a period of time inversely proportional to how long you have been dating.
The 'Is That What You Want? Go On Then Go Get Her' Test
This is a test in which the man's understanding of the fact that you now own his ass comes into play. No longer is he allowed to so much as glance at a member of the opposite sex in an appreciative fashion, he must keep his eyes down at all times, studying the pavement, desk, or any other inanimate object in sight. This test is conducted every time you go out together as a couple. Slow learners should be punished harshly with the withholding of sexual favors, and the constant recalling of his fall from grace at every opportunity.
The PMS Test
The PMS test is perhaps the most stringent test that any man will ever have to undergo. The man must successfully negotiate obstacles such as the hysterically crying woman, the unexpected lustful hug, the tearful apology, and the chocolate binge. If he's still allowed in your home at the end of the period, he has passed the test.