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Five Tests For Choosing A Husband

Updated on July 16, 2008

Choosing a husband can be the most difficult thing a woman will ever do. There are so many factors to think about. Do you want a big one or a small one? Do you want a rich one, or one who will stay home with the kids? Do you want one that will take out the trash when its full, or do you want a flying unicorn named Otis (the last two are about as likely as the other to happen.)

Because it's so hard to chose a husband, I've decided to compile this list of tests for women to use when trying to find themselves a suitable husband.

The 'If You Loved Me, You'd Know Why' Test

This test tends to be a great favorite with women and simply involves making a man guess why you're angry at him. For this test, no obvious cues should be given, but bitter cryptic statements are permissible. For example, if he forgot to pick up your dry cleaning, thereby illustrating your relative unimportance in his life, then under no circumstances should you mention the dry cleaning, but statements such as "it's alright for your mother, isn't it!" are encouraged.

The 'Birthday Present' Test

This is where the man must use his ingenuity to guess what you want for a birthday present. You will have a specific item in mind, and he will be awarded points for how close he comes to actually buying said item. Hints may be given in the form of pronounced staring in shop windows, and catalogs carefully left lying around open to the page of your desired object, but they rarely help.

The 'When's Our Anniversary' Test

This is a test that stretches a man's memory recall to the limit. Not only must he remember your anniversary, he should also remember what song was playing when you first kissed over your Fettuccine, and what color shirt the waiter was wearing. Failure to recall any of these facts dooms him to the couch for a period of time inversely proportional to how long you have been dating.

The 'Is That What You Want? Go On Then Go Get Her' Test

This is a test in which the man's understanding of the fact that you now own his ass comes into play. No longer is he allowed to so much as glance at a member of the opposite sex in an appreciative fashion, he must keep his eyes down at all times, studying the pavement, desk, or any other inanimate object in sight. This test is conducted every time you go out together as a couple. Slow learners should be punished harshly with the withholding of sexual favors, and the constant recalling of his fall from grace at every opportunity.

The PMS Test

The PMS test is perhaps the most stringent test that any man will ever have to undergo. The man must successfully negotiate obstacles such as the hysterically crying woman, the unexpected lustful hug, the tearful apology, and the chocolate binge. If he's still allowed in your home at the end of the period, he has passed the test.

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    • profile image

      kk 

      7 years ago

      Ricki.....How about a chat:)

    • profile image

      Ricki 

      9 years ago

      The world is such a funny place, who knows why we do the things we do, but I have so much trouble when other people make it seem so easy. I try dating services and I try talking to myself, encouraging myself the best I can to just "put yourself out there" but it's so much harder than it seems. I'm about ready to just use the "MarryMeToday" site and speed-date myself into a marriage with someone (hopefully) nice. Otherwise I'm going to end up alone, and for nothing - I have a lot to offer someone! RIght? =)

    • Trsmd profile image

      Trsmd 

      10 years ago from India

      Will this applicable to choOse a WIFE?

    • profile image

      sandra rinck 

      10 years ago

      Now if only I could find something to be angry about. Oh I know, going out to the bar with his friend while beinga accompanied by other women, still friends, but non the less, never makes a girlfriend feel that great.

      What do you suggest? Silence, a shrug, not eye contact. Pretending that you just don't care to see if he will get it?

      ANyways, hillarious!

    • Maylinda Arons profile image

      Maylinda Arons 

      10 years ago

      YAY. I am going to employ these, husband or no husband. Just because they're in such a nice justifiable list.

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