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Happy Marriages: How To Prevent Infidelity

Updated on September 2, 2008

Infidelity prevention is often overlooked in relationships. Sure, we expect our partners to be faithful, and we're upset when they're not, but what did we ever do about it? Some people think that there is an onus on each partner to trust the other and to have the necessary emotional fortitude and maturity for fidelity, but it's that sort of hippy rubbish that got us into Iraq.

Infidelity prevention is the common sense approach to relationships, and can take many forms, such as chaining one's spouse to the stove in order to prevent her escape (though be warned that this may leave her vulnerable to lascivious workmen who will traipse through your home on a regular basis, putting up shelves and scoring sexual conquests.)

Another popular approach is to simply impregnate one's wife repeatedly, ensuring that she is unable to stray very far. This is remarkably effective, and though she may become mentally unstable due to the hormonal strain of repeated pregnancy, she'll at least be just your little manic depressive.

The above are tried and techniques for keeping a woman a prisoner in her own relationship, but what about men? Men are dogs who need to be chained as well, of course (a wise person neither respects nor trusts members of either sex.)

Infidelity prevention amongst the male population is a little trickier, but was often successfully managed in the 1950's through a process of feeding a male high fat meals which quickly destroy his figure and his self esteem. As he gains weight, his sexual magnetism drops proportionately. Sending him down to the pub after work also gives him the illusion of freedom whilst boosting his calorific intake, leaving him a waddling blob farting on the couch all weekend during the dangerous hours when he might otherwise be chasing other women.

Of course, if a man is powerful or rich, or if a woman is beautiful and thin, it is almost impossible to keep them properly secured. For this reason I recommend lowering your sights to more average partners who are more easily acclimated into their new more limited freedoms, or as I like to call it 'relationship broken.' If you carry out the process correctly, within a year or two you should be able to let them roam free without the small tracking device you had implanted into them at the beginning of your relationship with less than a 5% chance of them attracting another sexual partner. You will then be able to lumber towards your mercifully early graves together, each secure in the knowledge that you have the absolute fidelity of your life partner.


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    • kerryg profile image

      kerryg 9 years ago from USA


      My husband's ex-girlfriend's cousin actually did chain his wife to some exposed pipes when he suspected her of infidelity. Eventually, he beat her to death, which I suppiose is another alternative to infidelity prevention, though it has the disadvantage of resulting in an extended jail sentence. In this case in penicillin resistent tuberculosis-ridden third world jails. Couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow. :P

    • Hope Alexander profile image

      Hope Alexander 9 years ago

      Aw thank you Jenny :)

    • Inspirepub profile image

      Inspirepub 9 years ago from Sydney, Australia


      You are brilliant ....