Help We're Missing Some Universe!
We seem to be missing this bit here...
In a shocking turn of events, Scientists have discovered a hole in the Universe. The hole is almost a billion light years across and is comprised of an absence of anything. There are no stars, no galaxies, no planets, not even a little dark matter (which perhaps is not entirely surprising as it may not exist anyway.)
Astronomers have discovered holes like this before, however they have tended to be smaller, and less generally troublesome.
If you'd like to visit the void, it can be found southwest of Orion in the constellation Eridanus. The Void has been named the WAMP Cold Spot as it was discovered by the Wilkinson Microwave Anistropy Probe, and nobody wants to sleep there. It should be relatively easy to find as it is ridiculously large, so large in fact, that Scientists are not even sure what to call it.
Lawrence Rudnick of the University of Minnesota had this to say about the large section of missing Universe: "Not only has no one ever found a void this big, but we never even expected to find one this size. This is 1,000 times the volume of what we sort of expected to see in terms of a typical void. It's not clear that we have the right word yet ... This is too much of a surprise."
While scientists reel in shock, it's pretty clear to the rest of us (i.e me) that this void represents a chance like never before. If there's a giant hole somewhere, then Mankind knows very well that it is our job to fill it.
We're the dozers of the cosmos, and if we're good at anything, it's filling things full of crap.
Some suggestions for worthwhile uses of the void/things to put in the void:
Car parking (Sure it would be a bit of a hike to the mall, but there's never enough car parks)
Hello Kitty Merchandise
Storage outpost for surplus pictures of Britney Spears' genitals.
The Bush Administration
Hippy Liberal Scum who mock the Bush Administration
'The Simpsons' back catalog
Add your own here ______________________
...And for those of you who are REALLY big fans of the WAMP Cold Spot:
The 'What Goes In The Void' Drinking Game
This can be a fun drinking game for you and your buddies, starting with the letter 'A', say 'Asbestos', everyone names something we could toss in the void in alphabetical order, reciting the entire list from the beginning until someone forgets something and is forced to drink! Wahay! What fun!
The Staring Game
Stare at the void, see who blinks first! This is a great game to introduce to your children in conjunction with the 'let's be quiet' game.
Get your lady friend one of these, some people might say she's naked, but you'll both know that she's really just wearing a shirt made exclusively by the Void, which will be a great comfort as she is dragged away kicking and screaming to be molestered by the police. Who don't do that of course. Ever.