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How To Train A Man: Part One

Updated on July 7, 2008

There are a great deal of single women in the world at any one time bemoaning the fact that they have no man to love them and hold them, and whisper sweet romantic nothings in their ear all night long. For those women I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that any woman with the appropriate genital configuration can get a man. The bad news is that there is a high chance he will only ever be good for taking up space on the couch, killing spiders, and providing you with between thirty seconds and two full minutes of thrusting love - that is unless you train him well.

In order to get a man, and sucessfully train him you must first understand the man creature. Men's brains don't work like women's insofar as men are 80% more likely than women to inadvertently tell you the truth without regard for the consequences. This likelihood increases when he is otherwise occupied with something interesting, namely, watching sports, driving (or as he will call it 'trying not to get us all killed), or being in the presence of anything with more than one moving part.

He doesn't mean to hurt your feelings, he just doesn't know that you have any. Unlike women, men's feelings revolve around two things, food and sexual performance. Much like a dog, a man needs rules, boundaries, and exercise. They will appreciate affection, but they do not need it to survive (yes I am totally ripping off the Dog Whisperer here, and I'm betting Caesar Milan's wife has him walking nicely off the leash at heel when they are out in public.)

If you don't want your man roaming, you have several options. The one most often traditionally favored by women is to put the fear of god into him by behaving violently and erratically, bursting into tears one moment and propositioning him for sex the next. Unfortunately, this is likely to send him running into the arms of other single women, who will pretend to be sane until such time as they have him safely under lock and key. A far more effective approach is to lock him away in a chastity device. There are many sturdy devices avaialble on the market which safely prevent men straying, by removing acess to their genitals for anything other than urinating. He might complain about this at first, but if you don some leather acessories, crack a whip and have him call you Mistress, you'll soon find that his objections melt away. He'll also be ever so much more greatful when you let him out to play.

I've yet to adress the problem of how to get a man, and I've left it until last because, as all women know, getting a man is not the hard part. Men are everywhere, and most of them will come running at the slightest indication that there might be some petting and stroking in it for them. Men can reliably be found at work, in supermarkets, clubs, parks, behind tall objects, and occasionally even in caves. In order to catch a man, one need only expose roughly ten inches of leg and three inches of cleavage. Doing so will cause men to begin to circle, and you may then pick one at random. Look for one with bright eyes and a shiny coat, not one who looks timid, or one who is too agressive. Take some time to see how he plays with other men. Does he try to mount them constantly? This is not a good sign, and you should avoid men who display this behavior, as it may lead to problems later on in the training process.

Here ends Part One.


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    • www.lookseenow profile image

      www.lookseenow 6 years ago

      I like your illustration man_on_a_leash. Would that be good for dating services springing up because there’s a need to be filled? There is a serious shortage of men who are eligible marriage mates. Men are outnumbered, in this case, seven-to-one.

      My wife has been trying to train me, for thirteen years. Trouble is I’m trying to train her. What comes out of it is a weldment. Yep, that’s a word, even though spell-check doesn’t like it, but it means a welding of two plus one. Two human minds thinking, but welded, or I should say braided until both think alike by a threefold cord.

      My wife, and I hardly ever agree together, but we don’t go to bed mad, because we keep each other warm. If two lie down together, they will warm each one the other, but how can just one keep warm? Where’s the third, does he bed down with us? No, we put God in our marriage, that’s common ground making up a threefold cord that cannot quickly be torn in two. (Ecclesiastes 4:11-12)

    • profile image

      prakash 7 years ago

      you are right on most of the places

    • profile image

      Laura 7 years ago

      I think both sexes should stop attempting to fool the other gender into some type of trap. But then again, I'm actually a good person.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      *looks at the interaction between you and Jerrico*

      Poor thing...he hasn't a clue, does he? Nicely done!

    • Jerrico Usher profile image

      Jerrico Usher 9 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      LOL nice..

    • Hope Alexander profile image

      Hope Alexander 9 years ago

      Spanking you is a whole 'nother series of hubs that probably wouldn't be allowed here Jerrico *wink* :)

    • Jerrico Usher profile image

      Jerrico Usher 9 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      hehe... spank me.. I guess I've lost my sense of humor lately.. my appoligies

    • Hope Alexander profile image

      Hope Alexander 9 years ago

      Jerrico - it's a joke. Lighten up man. And your comment certainly will go public, because my favorite part of the Internet is when people lacking a humor gene (who didn't actually read the piece that they none the less felt compelled to write a treatise on) get riled up for no reason. Your rage harms only yourself, my friend.

      P.S. Bad boy.

    • Jerrico Usher profile image

      Jerrico Usher 9 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      I guess ignorance is bliss where your concerned. You remind me of the blind leading the blind.. you pick out a few ignorant souls who would pant over you because they don't respect themselves or know any better and you try to teach women something you really don't know yourself. Many women are more worthless than men and thinking that all men can be trained is rediculous..

      I'd feel sorry for the woman who'd try to train me.. her self esteem would take one hell of a shot for trying it. I think alot of women are so full of themselves and drunk with power becuase sure their are alot of men out there that are idiots, they let their second brain run the show, but what kind of a woman are you to pick such a man anyway? It's akin to thinking your someone because you wear a dress you couldnt afford in three paychecks.. artificial.

      The problem here isn't training a man its being intelligent enough, and having some self respect enough to actually go after a real man not some puppy you can control because this is the only kind of man who would go near you. I feel sorry for your type.. You always look back when your old and alone and bitter, wondering whats wrong with the world when your mouth spits out what I can only concider carbon monoxide and your hub here.. is as rediculous as anyone who would agree with you.. You wrote 200 more hubs..

      I hope their more intelligent.. and I know this comment will never go public because you know I'm right.

    • that one girl profile image

      that one girl 9 years ago from Washington state

      Oh, that was awesome. So funny.

    • Maylinda Arons profile image

      Maylinda Arons 9 years ago

      Hahahah... this was hilarious! I look forward to part two with bated breath!