How To Train A Man: Part One

There are a great deal of single women in the world at any one time bemoaning the fact that they have no man to love them and hold them, and whisper sweet romantic nothings in their ear all night long. For those women I have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that any woman with the appropriate genital configuration can get a man. The bad news is that there is a high chance he will only ever be good for taking up space on the couch, killing spiders, and providing you with between thirty seconds and two full minutes of thrusting love - that is unless you train him well.

In order to get a man, and sucessfully train him you must first understand the man creature. Men's brains don't work like women's insofar as men are 80% more likely than women to inadvertently tell you the truth without regard for the consequences. This likelihood increases when he is otherwise occupied with something interesting, namely, watching sports, driving (or as he will call it 'trying not to get us all killed), or being in the presence of anything with more than one moving part.

He doesn't mean to hurt your feelings, he just doesn't know that you have any. Unlike women, men's feelings revolve around two things, food and sexual performance. Much like a dog, a man needs rules, boundaries, and exercise. They will appreciate affection, but they do not need it to survive (yes I am totally ripping off the Dog Whisperer here, and I'm betting Caesar Milan's wife has him walking nicely off the leash at heel when they are out in public.)

If you don't want your man roaming, you have several options. The one most often traditionally favored by women is to put the fear of god into him by behaving violently and erratically, bursting into tears one moment and propositioning him for sex the next. Unfortunately, this is likely to send him running into the arms of other single women, who will pretend to be sane until such time as they have him safely under lock and key. A far more effective approach is to lock him away in a chastity device. There are many sturdy devices avaialble on the market which safely prevent men straying, by removing acess to their genitals for anything other than urinating. He might complain about this at first, but if you don some leather acessories, crack a whip and have him call you Mistress, you'll soon find that his objections melt away. He'll also be ever so much more greatful when you let him out to play.

I've yet to adress the problem of how to get a man, and I've left it until last because, as all women know, getting a man is not the hard part. Men are everywhere, and most of them will come running at the slightest indication that there might be some petting and stroking in it for them. Men can reliably be found at work, in supermarkets, clubs, parks, behind tall objects, and occasionally even in caves. In order to catch a man, one need only expose roughly ten inches of leg and three inches of cleavage. Doing so will cause men to begin to circle, and you may then pick one at random. Look for one with bright eyes and a shiny coat, not one who looks timid, or one who is too agressive. Take some time to see how he plays with other men. Does he try to mount them constantly? This is not a good sign, and you should avoid men who display this behavior, as it may lead to problems later on in the training process.

Here ends Part One.