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How To Trust Again

Updated on January 30, 2009

After hurt or betrayal it is extremely tempting to withdraw into a shell in which we can no longer be hurt. In trusting no-one we feel that we are safe, that we won't be hurt again.

It is normal for this process to occur for a short while after a hurt has been dealt to us. For the first few weeks or months after a break up we are naturally reluctant to date again. That is normal, and to some extent, healthy. We would not have made it very far as a species if we simply repeated actions which caused us to be harmed over and over again.

Eventually however, we must trust again. Most people begin to do so naturally when the healing process has taken place. Trying to force yourself to trust again, or to be in a relationship soon after leaving another in which you were hurt is not a good idea. However it is also not beneficial to simply withdraw from others for good, to decide never to trust again and to simply eek out your existence surrounded by cats.

Learning To Trust Again

Tip #1

By Trusting No-one, you're allowing the person who hurt you to continue hurting you.

That's right. You were hurt, but every day you allow your life to be controlled by that hurt, it is as if that person is hurting you all over again. Allow yourself time to grieve for your lost relationship, then go out and find someone worthy of your trust. They are out there. All of us have been hurt at one time or another, sometimes quite badly. You are not alone. You are not the only one to have been betrayed, hurt, used or abused. These are terrible things, but they need not rule your life forever.

Tip #2

(I learned this by watching Dr Phil, which I think means its about the same as having heard God himself say it, right?) Joking aside, the good doctor actually had a point when he said this.

It's not about trusting others, its about trusting yourself to handle what others might do.

Yes, someone might cheat, someone might steal, someone might be a total idiot and hurt you. You can handle it. You are strong enough to walk away from people who are not deserving of your time or attention. You have learned from past mistakes. You need no longer be that victim. As I said before, we have all made bad decisions on the trust front. The difference between those who become bitter and withdrawn and those who go on to lead full and happy lives is that one set realizes that they might not be able to control the world, but they can control themselves, and one set secretly blames themselves and does not trust themselves to be able to make a good decision next time.

The good news? Not only can you trust again, you can learn to trust yourself again. One step at a time, one day at a time, in your own way.


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    • profile image

      Richard Heron 

      11 years ago

      I appreciate the advice, My girlfriend moved out and in less than a week started sleeping with my best friend. I feel I've lost everything. I don't have my girl and I don't have my best friend anymore, I had my suspicions, but her making me feel secure and comforting my worries, and then it all playing out infront of me like one big real nightmare, I was so sure i could trust her and definately my best mate, but I find I just question my judgement from the start and because i was assured my worreis were wrong I now look back and I'm like well I was right all along, I feel like as this isn't the 1st time it's happened to me that I can never trust another woman again, and i know its a harsh judgement but i just feel ive been betrayed from both sides so badly I don't know what to do or where to turn, thats why I'm writing this mindless essay. sorry to blab. thanks for listening

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      12 years ago

      It seems like you're a little over invested in this guy, which is what is making you so clingy and needy and scared. It's a big world out there and you have a big life to lead. Whilst romance and relationships are a part of that, they aren't all of it.

    • profile image


      12 years ago

      I like the advice and I know I can be strong but from time to time I feel Like as soon as I start to really believe that i could trust a guy and he's shown me that I can trust him, and that he really cares. I get so scared. Almost like a little child in the dark scared of a monster. I dont have a flash light or anyone around who can hear me screaming. So I start to let the fear take over me, it starts to control my emotions, reactions, and not long after that i become angry with the what ifs that jump into my head. I dont say anything inorder to avoid an argument or lose the guy all together. But it eats at me day and night. Causes me not to sleep, not to eat. It's horrible. I dont want to stop caring or loving him, But i almost feel like if i just dont care and stop looking at him likes he's all i got when i dont hear from him it wouldn't bother me. I want to express my feelings I want to dedicate songs i love him so much. But he doesnt do the same thing. So what does that mean? That's one of the main reasons I am having such a hard time trusting him, he doesnt make me feel very secure at times, i feel like there is always something more inportant to him then i am. And I have told him i feel this way but he says its not his job to make me feel secure and i feel secure in my self but honestly not 100% of the time. So is it me? He did in the past deceive me, he cheated on me a couple of years again. I dont believe he's done it again sence then but i feel like he has. I have no proof and accusing him has only made things worse for the both of us. So getting past that based on this article seems to be the answer. But how? I need help. Can someone open the door and turn on a light for me????

    • MamaDragonfly2677 profile image


      12 years ago from New York

      I believe if you are constantly looking for the bad, eventually you will find it. And after being in a bad relationship, I agree that it is hard to trust again, but eventually, all comes to a rest when you have learned the healing process...

      Thank you for your point of view!


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