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How to Vote Like an Idiot

Updated on July 9, 2008

An Angry Satire


Voting is important, but this doesn't really matter to a great many who choose rather to make voting their own special game, without rules, without logic, without bothering to think. Voters, the American record has shown over the past 7 years or so, has brought in and re-voted in a president, George W. Bush, a man who broke half of the rules of the Republican Party, such as drug abuse, drunk driving, cowardice above and beyond call during military service; these were the very items the Republic Party had lambasted Bill Clinton over just 8 years prior. And yet it is the Republicans who overwhelmingly got George W. elected, along with a little hanky-panky from Diebold and others, including Democrats who also just didn't seem, like their Republican counterparts, to give a damn about their country, their planet, their standards, or even their own consciences. The sad fact is that this will continue to happen.

And so this has been written to help just this type of person further in his random, illogical, senseless voting patterns. I hope it helps.

First, always vote for your political party without giving any consideration that your party's candidate might be a complete moron or degenerate. After all, that's the description for the candidates of other parties, but never your own. Remember that towing the party line is like towing a boat: it might not float on dry land, but should a heavy flood come, you'll be ready!

Next, along the lines of the first suggestion, never ever, under any circumstances, consider what the politicians from other political parties are saying. Only the politicians from your party have any relevance or anything worth listening to, even if the other side is in complete agreeance with your political party or politician. If this is the case, they either stole the idea from your party, or it's really not that hot an idea to begin with, even if your party supports it, because after-all, anything the other side supports must be complete garbage.

Further, absolutely any information you get must come from a source far to the left or far to the right, or simply so far in either direction that it turns a corner so that the distinction between left or right are completely blurred and unfathomable. Never trust any media source that is described as "moderate" or "in the middle" or having "balanced news" which truly proves to be so. On that note, believe whatever you're told without balancing this information out with other sources of information. And never, ever, actually think about what is being told you, no matter how ridiculous and nonsensical it might be, because, after all, if it supports your belief system, it must be true. You're never wrong, and never will be.

Whenever someone in the media is said to be an expert, ignore him, disregard her, if their words do not follow with your thoughts. For instance, Hans Blix. Here was a man who said repeatedly that Iraq didn't have Weapons of Mass Destruction, WMD's, and he knew this for certain because he had scoured Iraq for years, searching everywhere that such weapons might be feasibly developed and hidden. But who was Hans Blix compared to George W? George W. Bush, though he'd never stepped foot in Iraq had bankrupted oil companies and shaken hands with Saudi Sheiks -and he was president of the United States of America. How could he be wrong? So we supported him as quickly as we ignored Blix, and that's how it should be. So, to reiterate: use this example to help bolster your belief that no matter what, never examine the facts, but just go with your gut instinct about what's right for your country. What you vote for is right!

Finally, in debate with family, friends, and even strangers on the street, be sure to get angry and red-faced at the slightest nuance from your opponent that he or she doesn't agree with your world view. Start screaming; that'll make you more right and prove your point, because the louder you are, the more justified and correct your argument is and your opponent -who's really your enemy, will see this and cower immediately before your superior judgment.

With this said, you can't be wrong, nor can you be defeated in your thinking. You are a rock, an island untorn by any hurricane, and that's how you will remain until the end of time, and damn anyone who says otherwise!

You're not the idiot, everyone else is, and you'll vote very, very badly and that's how you like it!


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