Is Dr Phil The New Messiah? Yes. Yes He Is.
Repent and Believe!
1998 saw the advent of a new television hero as a tall bald man strode manfully onto Oprah's stage and began dispensing advice to all and sundry with a southern drawl which charmed the womenfolk who had come to worship at the altar of the Goddess Oprah, yet that day found a new masculine deity whose words were soon in the mouths of millions of people who didn't leave the house between 9am and 5pm.
For years Dr Phil was the consort of the Goddess Oprah, giving unto her many joyous light bulb moments, with revelations such as 'You're only lonely if you're not there for you.', and 'That dog won't hunt.' From the smallest problem to the largest, there was no issue that could not be solved with the venerable doctor's advice. For many years the world had been dark, but as the words of the great Dr Phil were disseminated through the airwaves, a period of great peace, prosperity and light began.
In the year 2002, the time came when his work could no longer be contained within a segment of Oprah's own show, and according to legend the Dr Phil show was formed when Dr Phil gave his wisdom unto five pure virgins who cried honeydew tears of relief as their problems melted away in the warm glow of his down home advice. Those tears fell upon a barren stage, and from them was formed the first two high chair style seats that would form the Dr Phil set for eons to come.
It was after the forming of this first show that Dr Phil realized that although he had done many good works, still there were problems in the world. Fat people continued to lumber about the place, unaware that the wisdom of Dr Phil could lead them to shed pounds and in so doing, become better people. Spurred on by the thought of a nation of lean minions, Dr Phil wrote a book, and as fat person after fat person hefted the book towards themselves and read the deep weight magic (less food, more exercise), they began to change.
If Dr Phil had been left to do his good works, perhaps the world would have been rid of overweight people, but unfortunately a class action lawsuit in 2004 in which hundreds of ungrateful chubby wretches claimed that Dr Phil was nothing but a snake oil salesman made the great Dr withdraw from the weight loss field and refocus his energies on more worthy activities, such as diagnosing celebrities without ever assessing them, (a power which has been sadly undervalued by other jealous mental health professionals who claim that doing such things is unprofessional.)
To this day, Dr Phil does not have a license to practice psychology in the State of California, but for those who follow him, the true believers of the way of Phil know that no state issued documentation is needed to prove his wisdom or his greatness. He needeth no certification, no documentation, for his knowledge and his power and his glory are sufficient for him to reign over his loyal subjects until the ends of time itself.
More on Dr Phil...
- The Secrets of Dr Phil, our favorite redneck Adonis
Learn the secrets of Dr Phil!
- A Very Good Reason To Stop Watching Dr Phil