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It Sucks To Be Ken

Updated on October 18, 2008

P.J. was the coolest of the Barbies

 

What little girl hasn't owned a Barbie doll? I think at the height of my "Barbiedom" I owned about fifteen dolls, a mansion, a car, a pool, a motorcycle...and, oh yes, a wardrobe to die for. There was Barbie...in about six or seven different incarnations, a Malibu P.J., Midge, Skipper, Ricky and Ken...to name a few in my little Barbie cult. Every little girl has her favorite. Mine was P.J. She was the cool girl, sort of like Betty of the Archie's fame.

But for some reason, as I sit here tonight reminiscing about my childhood years, I keep coming back to one thought. What about Ken? I've never heard a single friend of mine ever declare that Ken was her favorite of all the dolls. Why is that?

Let's compare...

You have to admit, Barbie is very womanly, and even though neither doll is totally anatomically correct, you have a pretty good idea what parts are being left out on Barbie. Here we have a Ken doll...and it's a total mystery. His crotch is just an innocuous bulge of plastic. You may wonder briefly about the mystery and then shrug. Ken looks rather harmless...and vacuous with that smile.

I mean, like what does he have to be happy about anyway? It's not like he's getting any of the cool accessories. There's no Ken's Kegger or Ken's Harley, is there? And if there was a wide screen television with a remote control, you better believe it would be something like Barbie's Home Entertainment Center. Yeah, it sort of sucks to be Ken.

But let's face it...he's an inferior doll. Even Mattel agreed and simply molded on a plastic head of hair. Barbie's the only one that has earned the right to her own stylist. And we won't go into just how dorky Ken's clothes are. It all looks the same! A shirt that no real guy would be caught dead in and some lame shorts or pants that have the same shape as some of your mother's favorite "comfy pants." And what's with the feet? Aren't they a bit Frankenstein-ish compared to Barbie's dainty little foot?

You are what...maybe seven, eight...nine? Do you really have any idea what to do with that Ken doll? It's not like you really have a clue of what Ken would do the moment your back was turned to your dear little Barbie. Ken only has three possible roles...

Ken was just like Ward Cleaver

The Father Figure

This is by far the easiest way to play your Ken doll. He gets up in the morning, waves cheerfully to Barbie and says "I'm going to work now. See you!" And Barbie says, "Have a nice day dear!" Walk Ken out the door...and then toss him onto the nearest chair or anywhere, just so he's out of sight. Then simply carry on with your wonderfully independent and imaginative Barbie day until dinner time. Then you have to bring him back in and feed him one of your impressive gourmet meals before he falls to sleep.

Ken was rather handy to have around...

Male Slave

For some reason this one just comes most natural to nearly every little girl. Imagine your carefree Barbie existence while Ken fixes the leaky sink, tinkers with the Barbie Camaro and cheerfully maintains your Barbie pool. And all for what? Why one of your perky little Barbie smiles of course! "Gee...thanks Ken!"

Little did I know that Ken would betray me for the maid...

Pawn

My sister, Ronda, and I used to play Barbie all the time. But this one time...she snapped. I think I might have made her my Barbie's maid one time too often and while I was at an important executive board meeting, she stole my Ken doll. I caught the two of them making out in her Barbie hovel, rubbing their plastic parts on each other in a pretty darn good imitation of that movie we almost got to watch the previous night before Mom had sent us to bed. The hussy!

That's okay...I got even.

This Barbie's Boobs Were Spared. Unfortunately...the face didn't make it.

A short time later, after hearing Ronda whine for the millionth time that I had a Malibu P.J. and she wanted a Malibu Barbie too, I told her that she had one. She said uh uh! And I said, "well you don't think P.J. came pre-tanned did you? I had to activate it by putting her in the sun. Silly butt face!"

So, the next day she put one of her dolls in the driveway to get a tan. Several hours later, she retrieves the doll and is disappointed that it doesn't seem to have tanned one bit. But there is a change...oh yes there is...and Ronda discovers it and starts to howl very loudly.

The sun is very hot...and because it's the sun it melts things. Seems all that sun wasn't very good for Barbie at all, nossir. It melted the doll's boobs. It wasn't a pretty sight. It wasn't that Barbie was flat chested...that would have been perfectly acceptable given our ages. No...Barbie's cleavage had definitely sunk in deeper than that.

After that, the only way to get the clothing to sit right on Barbie was to stuff a couple of cotton balls in her bodice.

Whenever I wanted to rile Ronda up and pay her back for stealing my man, all I had to do was suggest we play Barbie and for her to bring Ol' Crater Chest. To be honest, I did that just for fun and not because I was still upset about the Ken larceny. I hadn't found the quality of my Barbie time diminished in his absence. Within days of acquiring my Ken doll, I noticed that Ronda had pretty much lost interest in him too. If I'd wanted him back, it wouldn't have been too difficult.

He just wasn't my favorite Barbie...

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    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Thank you Anitak! I enjoyed writing it as well.

      Barbie is 50?? The bitch!! I'm almost 46...and although I'm not falling apart (yet), she seems to be looking a bitt too good for her age (if you catch my drift). Hmmm...must be plastic surgery...and in her case, I'd say that would be a literal thing.

      Thanks for breathing some life back into this hub!

    • anitak profile image

      anitak 8 years ago from Pittsburgh, PA

      Just wrote a hub about Barbie turnng 50 and saw this hub. Hysterical, great hub. Really enjoyed it. You are a very good writer.

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      *waits to see how Benson will reply to that bit of information* :)

    • no xplode profile image

      no xplode 8 years ago

      Benson, me either... just because i could touch myself lol

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      BTW, I loved the Enid Blyton books, grew up on them in fact, and they never turned me into a racist, and even I had a Gollywog. PC has truly gone mad thesedays as a Gollywog was actually a toy first seen being played with by black children!!!!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Shades is probably off having another beer again :)

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      LOL! Benson!! :) Awww...I'm so proud of you. It takes a REAL man to actually speak the truth. See guys...?

    • Benson Yeung profile image

      Benson Yeung 8 years ago from Hong Kong

      That's why I also only dreamed of being barbie, and not Ken.

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Sixty - Well that certainly explains a line in the song "Toys" by XTC that I never quite understood. Thank you for that! That might be a good hub...toys and how they have been affected by political correctness and human prudishness in general. :)

      Susie - I would have been worried too! LOL! She doesn't do that with her current customers does she? That's a great tale and makes sense. Barbie is promoted as helping lilttle girls discover the possibilities and it seems she did (albeit in an odd way). Thanks for sharing that!

    • Susie Writes profile image

      Susan 8 years ago from Northern California

      Oh my there are a ton 'o responses here spryte! I just wanted to add one cute story here regarding Barbies, well, dolls in general.

      Wanting to raise our daughter with some feminine traits in a family with two older brothers, we bought her dolls early on. After a while we gave up on that practice because every doll we gave her was soon discovered with it's head popped off. I found bodies strewn everywhere in her room. And where were the heads? They were sitting on her dresser all neatly lined up on crudely fashioned spikes. Pencils, popscicle sticks, anything she could find. Fearing my sweet little girl was a budding serial killer I cautiously asked, "Why?"

      "It's easier to cut their hair, mommie!" was her reply. No more dolls for her! From then on she got Rainbow Brite and Breyer ponies. Today she and I own a salon & spa together where she is the head (pun intended) stylist. She also rides horses. LOL!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      For the record a gollywog was a black soft toy doll who made his appearance (as far as i can recall) in the Enid Blyton Noddy stories. He has now been outlawed due to political correctness (PC) and now ( I believe) has been expunged from the Noddy stories. But Noddy lived with Big Ears in a Toadstool. There were some hints that Big ears was gay. More PC problems on that one. Amazing how a writer of childrens' stories can have become such a maligned person due to changes in what is and is not acceptable at the time and of course how it shapes up in today's world.!

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Nah...I'm sure I haven't. He's probably just off having some good quality family time or a night out with friends.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Yes I must stop that its not polite is it, but I'm sure Chris can take a joke!

      I don't think I'm as acidic as shades.

      Speak of the devil, where is He?

      You haven't scared him away shirley not?

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      LOL! Filling in for Shadesbreath, Aggie? Poor Chris...so many proofreaders.

      And yes, Christoph...they still make the Ken doll.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Do they still make Kens' what?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Do they still make Ken's?

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      I guess your right about Ken, looking at the comments above it always gets back to Barbie ( she just loves the coa) Poor Ken he's had his 15 mins of fame!

      OFF WITH HIS HEAD-----!!!!!

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      I guess it depends on who knows what a Golliwog is...but I'm sure somebody could take offense if they wanted to :) It doesn't take much these days...

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Useless you say, I really can't comment on that because I never actually had any dolls as a kid, much too sissy! lol.  Although I did have what we called a "Golliwog"

      ,are we allowed to use that term? Really did love that thing, 

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Nahh Ag...it's more like any Ken can be called Tom, Dick or Harry...but they aren't because it's not worth the hassle of naming them since they are rather useless...

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      No wonder poor Ken had a inferiority complex, no one cared.

      Any Tom Dick or Harry can be called Ken!

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Me...I have the maracas.

      Tater...that gets me to thinking about all the Barbie rules that we had to set in place before playing (either on my own, with my sister or friends). I remember my sister and I had to actually agree on what constituted the amount of real time in a "Barbie Day". It would have been hard to play together if her doll was sleeping while mine was working...or her having lunch when I was making breakfast...

      Oh and names. You all had to pick names...which was really hard at times. I remember a phase when we both fought over whose turn it was to use the name Marcia (as in Marcia Brady). We never changed the name of Ken though...it just wasn't important enough. Ken, Bob, Sigmund...who cared?

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      We seem to have quite a Conga line happening don't we. Cha Cha Cha!!!!

      I've actually forgotten who I'm following can anyone tell me????

    • Tater2tot profile image

      Tater2tot 8 years ago from ~~~

      Haha I love adding to the maddness! I know it has been awhile, I have been busy. I never tossed out any of my Barbies, or toys. Even when they were chewed up or no longer pretty. I didn't play with Ken that much unless I had a house party and there had to be more than one couple. LOL.

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Tater! LTNS...how ya bein? Jay seems like a fine name...but Ken was your favorite? Really? And then I'm guessing Jay was your favorite and you tossed out old Ken for him... Why? Thanks for dropping in and adding to the madness.

      Christoph: Yay!! I've made the list! I'll just be spamming all my hubfriends with truly dorky e-cards this year. Nothin' says loving like an e-card! As for whose hub we are on...how the heck should I know? I just follow you all around the hubpages like a psychotic stalker.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Yes, I did start my Christmas list. It begins, "Solicit money from...", and then there is a long list of names. I am happy to say, YOU HAVE MADE MY LIST THIS YEAR!

      Thanks for reading my hub and taking up some of your valuable time to leave a comment. (Hey, wait. Who's hub are we on?)

    • Tater2tot profile image

      Tater2tot 8 years ago from ~~~

      haha this reminds me of the music video "Ur So Gay" by Katy Perry. She has dolls in the there. Check it out, it is funny.

      This hub is very funny. Ken was always my favorite until I got the black male Barbie. I don't know if he had a name, but I called him Jay! But before I got Jay, you are right I only used him as the father figure. Then I threw him out of the picture until him and Barbie went on vacation.

      Haha cool hub.

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      LOL! Thank you. :) I was beginning to hear crickets and imagining all sorts of schemes and plots going on. Just read your hub on baskets! Good job...had to have been a lot of work.

      Did you make up your Christmas list while you were doing it?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      (Enters with marching band) Ladies and Gentlemen! Step right up! Get your thrills and chills! See live slang-talking Aussies! Menopausal women! Victims of alien abduction and anal probes! Guys of unknown foreign origin! Attention starved American's! Evil conspiritors of plastic doll humiliations! The gross, the verbose and the lactose intolerant! Step right up! Get your tickets!

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Damn...it's been so quiet all day long. It's a tad unnerving...

      What are you all up to?

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      This hub just gets funnier and funnier with all the great comments being added on :)

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Aggie - You're already nutty :)

      Sixty - I was five...but I was too nervous to actually look! He could have looked like Ken for all Iknow.

      Candace - Thank you! :) Glad you enjoyed this silliness.

    • Candace Morgan profile image

      Candace Morgan 8 years ago from New York

      So great. What fun!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      You know guys Barbie and Ken are just not as good as reality. If Barbie said to to Ken "I'll Show you yours and I'll show you mine". how much fun would it be showing two sexless plastic mounds to each other? At about 7 years old (first year at school) I was in love with Kathleen -true name). We did the "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours" routine. Well there wasn't an awful lot to see but I did realise that her's was not yet developed!

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      I thought it was me going nutty?

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Christoph - I suppose it would help if I gave the link, hmmm?

      https://hubpages.com/literature/Interview-with-a-M...

      spryte's revenge...

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

      Spryte,

      I always felt bad for my friend because he was only in first grade when they started doing that to him.  Eventually his mom decided it was okay for him to start coming over again because she went on a trip to Europe and thought it was nice someone took her son to school.  He had older teenager sister apparently watching him, but they were always gone and never really seemed to like him.  I think they were purposely mean to him really because his step mom did not like the first wife. Thanks for reminding me of Burger Meister, I had not heard of that in awhile :).

      Desert Blondie,

      I do not know how I missed out on Ken, I have wondered about that myself :).  I think because I did not want to get one at the time, and then just like the Pioneer Chickens.  I picked out my own toys, not sure why I did not get Ken :).  I played with him at other kids houses sometimes.

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      :) Go check it out

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      No problem...we'll wait...(whistling, whistling, looking around, whistling)

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Damn...I was just in the middle of making a smashing looking jpg image for my "special" hub when it went down. I'll be right back... :)

      I wouldn't want Shade to roll over and play dead for me. It wouldn't be any fun and he knows that :)

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      I can stand on toes as good as the next guy. Is Chris right about the system going down?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Yea, I've read enough to follow that. I'm still up there looking at Misty's Barbie links (menopause barbie). You guys would go 15 rounds for sure, and then the judges would probably call it a draw.

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Well Agvulples, I've been dueling with Spryte for quite awhile, and I think the joy of our frienship comes from the inability to strike a really telling blow.  It's fun to find a dance partner worthy of you, if that makes sense.

      Christoph, YOUR system, or HP?

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

      Man, I am WAY out of date on this hub. I'm trying to catch up!

      I think the system is going to go out for two hours in about 5 or 10 minutes.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      I don't know how much experience you've had with sprytes mate, but I'll bet London to a Brick you don't win this one, Quit while your behind. Kiss and make up?

      Don't really I'm havin to two too much fun! LOL!!!!

      Man it's hot here, anyone feel like a beer, my shout!

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      LOL Agvulpes, that is actually how it would end up.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Im staying out of this meat eating argument heres your answer:-

      How about we make our own "spryte barbie" and "shades ken" let them marry and divorce and because we are the lawyers we get all the money!

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Shadesbreath:

      Allow me to correct your argument - Ahem...

      A bunch of vegetarians say "eating meat is wrong" to which one rather argumentative and opinionated (albeit loveable) omnivore declares that eating meat is perfectly acceptable.  The other omnivores are oddly silent. 

      One of the vegetarians makes a statement that of all the omnivores in the world, it was predictable that this one particularly argumentative and opinionated (albeit loveable) omnivore was highly likely to pounce on the vegetarian argument and insert his opinion of omnivorism.

      :)  That's how!

      KT - I'm glad I'm not divorcing Shade...it would be an interesting court battle.  I suppose he could have the blender...but he'll have to replace Mr. Bunny first.

    • KT pdx profile image

      KT pdx 8 years ago from Vancouver, WA, USA

      That brings up another idea: court case Barbie and Ken, fighting over the property.

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Spryte:

      A vegetarian says, "Eating meat is wrong." To which, an omnivore says, "No, eating meat is perfectly acceptable."

      The vegetarian then concludes, "That omnivore's response was predictable."

      How is this observation a comment on anything? :)

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Hmmm...KT, refresh my memory. Wedding Barbbie came with the hole in her hand for a ring...but I don't recall a wedding Ken with a hole in his hand or a wedding band welded onto his finger. Is it possible that ring was merely an engagement ring? I mean...she wasn't already pre-married when she was in the box, but the ring was already there...

      Just to be safe though, perhaps in the future, Mattel would be so kind as to place a Barbie pre-nup agreement certificate in the box.

    • KT pdx profile image

      KT pdx 8 years ago from Vancouver, WA, USA

      Yep! I always felt sorry for that one. I tried to remove it once, but the hole looked so stupid I figured she was better off wearing her ring. :) Maybe in the divorce package they could have "cosmetic surgery" kits?

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Aha! That proves my point KT! Barbie didn't really wanted to get married...they had to drill into her hand to make her accept that damn ring. :) The poor thing...

    • KT pdx profile image

      KT pdx 8 years ago from Vancouver, WA, USA

      lol actually, the bride Barbie has a hole in her ring finger, and a ring to put in it (think earring stud). Had one of those once.

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      I KNEW that you'd hop right onto that "Ken gets half" bandwagon, Shade. Tsk, you are starting to get predictable. :)

      Mattel wisely made Barbie with the inability to jam a wedding ring on her finger. Notice how cleverly the fingers are molded together? So, no matter how drunk the little blonde tart gets...she'll never make any foolish decisions about marrying that loser, Ken.

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Yeah, Texas is definately as much a pro-man state as California is pro-woman in these matters.

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

      Ummm, Texas sounds good ...

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      That's right, Spryte.  Ken get's half, baby! (Depending on what state he lives in.  In California he'd probably still have to pay her half of his McDonalds salary, even though she got the house, car, boat, horses, jacuzzi, lawfirm, condo, cabin and jeep and 100% of her lawyer, doctor, musician and Nascar salaries.) But in normal states, he'd get half. (Although I think in Texas Barbie would have to give him everything and apologize for not being a better wife.)

    • spryte profile image
      Author

      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      I do love the idea of "Divorce Barbie" but in this day and age, since Ken really didn't really come with any good stuff of his own, wouldn't he get half of her stuff? That simply couldn't be allowed.

      Susie - LOL! Thanks! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I was a tomboy too...but I still liked to play Barbie...and umm...those little plastic animals were a lot of fun too. I had a veritable zoo of those.

      Sweetie: Awww that poor kid. That's just terrible that he couldn't come over and play because of his stepmom. She must be related to the Berger Meister Meisterberger (remember him?).

      Shirley - Wow...I hadn't noticed what it sold for. I was pretty brutal on my dolls too and I'm sure if I handed one over to CW or something, it would be saleworthy in no time.

      Desert - I guess Barbie's are something that unite us all? :) What a thought!

    • desert blondie profile image

      desert blondie 8 years ago from Palm trees, swimming pools, lots of sand, lots of sunscreen

      Can't believe the comments going on here!  AND MistyHorizon's list of Barbies...a column in and of itself!! this too fun! And....too weird....guess a lot of us hubbers need more to do with our time! LOL and, to SweetiePie...how'd you miss having a Ken? I had Barbies, Kens, Midges, (remember Midge?) Skippers, Dream house, convertible, dress shop, clothes/doll cases...my grandmother loved making clothes for our Barbies ... but I grew up in a teeny tiny community (not even really a town by today's criteria) in Oklahoma, so playing Barbies was a way to fantasize about being a career woman, about actually HAVING A LIFE! Great visualizations for a girl from a town so small we didn't even have a movie theater!

    • Shirley Anderson profile image

      Shirley Anderson 8 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Misty! That flippin' Raging Hormones Post Menopausal Prozac Barbie sold for over $823 U.S. dollars!!!!!!!!

      I want to try and get my Barbie back and glue hair on her legs and auction her off, too.

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 8 years ago from Southern California, USA

      For some reason I had lots of Barbie dolls but never owned Ken.  However, I had a Pioneer Chicken stuffed animal, and he was about the same height as Barbie.  Pioneer Chicken and Barbie used to be married to each other when my sister and I played. 

      We had a neighbor boy whose parents were really strict and never allowed him to play with anyone.  He had to clean the entire house and walk to school by himself because his parents went to work early in the morning, but we did not know that when he started coming over.  He started coming to play with us in the morning and my mom would give him a ride to school, so he liked to play Barbie with us sometimes.  We would play Barbie and transformers, which was kind of fun to do.  Later on his step-mom called and said he was not allowed to come over because he was always being punished and she did not want him around Barbies because he was a boy. 

      After that we had to tell him he had to go home when he tried to come over and play.  However, after a year I guess his step-mom decided he could come over and play since my mom fed him and took him to school in the morning.  For the next three years I think he was at our house pretty much every day playing Barbie and transformers with us :).

    • Susie Writes profile image

      Susan 8 years ago from Northern California

      Okay. Now THAT was a funny hub! LOL! Still chuckling.

      I only had one Barbie and she couldn't even move her legs. I think she must have been a fake. Ken would NOT have liked her. I wasn't much of a doll girl. I was a tree climbin, dog lovin, horse ridin, flower sniffin, kind of girl. My daughter was the same way. I may not speak "doll" well but that was one funny hub spryte! Well done!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      A father was on his way home and decided to buy his daughter a Barbie. He stopped at a toy store and noticed that there was a Shopping Barbie, a Beach Barbie and a Disco Barbie which were all £19.95. There was also a Divorce Barbie for £265.00."Why is the Divorce Barbie so much more expensive?" asks the dad. The salesman answered " That's because Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's computer, Ken's furniture and one of Ken's mates!!!!!!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      They just get better and better. Apparently there are whole range of errr...ummmm, alternative Barbies:

      Want to buy your daughter a new Barbie doll? Check out some of these new styles that you only wish you could see in stores. Created by: Christina Cheadle and Emily Rock.

      Anorexic Barbie - Comes with action phrases such as, "I ate a grape yesterday, and now I feel obese!" and, "Must lose weight, must lose weight!"

      Burn Victim Barbie - Comes with her own special ointment and hospital bed.

      Cripple Barbie - Comes with her own body cast and non-moving action.

      Bad Hair Day Barbie - "The more you try to fix it, the worse it gets!"

      Unlucky Barbie - Comes with a black cat, a broken mirror, and action phrases such as, "God must hate me!" and, "Oh, no, another 7 years of bad luck. That makes the grand total 263."

      Divorce Barbie - Comes with all of Ken's stuff.

      Mid-Life Crisis Barbie - Comes with real crying action and phrases such as, "It's all downhill from here." and, "My life is almost over."

      Drug Addict Barbie - Comes with drugs, and phrases such as, "I'm not addicted I just can't be away from it for too long." and, "Don't call the cops it'll be my third strike!"

      Rehab Barbie - See 'Drug Addict Barbie'

      Jail Break Barbie - Comes with her own serial number, a striped suit, and anger issues.

      Acne Barbie - Put hot water on her face and the zits magically disappear! WARNING: Side effects may include, burning, puss, and scars.

      Catatonic Barbie - Includes pills, men in white suits with needles, and lots and lots of non-moving and non-blinking action!

      Mime Barbie - Comes with face paint and mimilicious catch phrases such as, " " and, " ". WARNING: If product gets stuck in an invisible box and can not get out, do not contact us, for we do not care about your whiney problems.

      Obesity Barbie - Comes with 16 pounds of food and storage under her fat rolls.

      Homeless Barbie - Comes with shopping cart, soda cans, and blankets.

      Suicidal Barbie - Includes pocketknife, rope, gun, and an excessive need for anti-depressants. WARNING: Do not let her by any cliffs and/or bridges and is better left in a dark room. Alone. By herself. Without you.

      hIskOOl DroPOuT Barbie - Comes with no education whats so ever, southern accent, and catch phrases such as, "Theres no problem with living in your mom's basement when you 46!" and, "I've worked at this here Buger King since I was 16, an I still love my job. Oh shut-up you stupid person, 'gimmi this' 'can i have that' all you ever do is nag, nag, nag. Do you think I care if you WANT fries with that! NO! Anyway what was I saying?"

      Abusive Barbie - Comes with real beating action! WARNING: If your product beats and/or harms you in anyway, we don't care, you are a wimpish loser. We will deny everything and say you shouldn't of bought a product with the word 'abusive' in it anyway.

      Negitivity Barbie - Comes with action packed action phrases such as, "I give up," "I hate myself," and "I suck."

      Verbally Abusive Barbie - Comes with catch phases such as, "HA,HA! You suck loser!" and, "You will never amount to anything!" WARNING: We will not pay for any therapy that the user of this product will need. HINT: To feel better, purchase Negativity Barbie, for a coupon go to www.yousuckloser.net. coupon costs $10.95.

      Serial Killer Barbie - Comes with wanted poster, knife, and demonic look.

      Paranoid Barbie - Comes with catch phrases such as, "Everyone's out to get me." and "The voices in my head tell me that I shouldn't like you."

      Real Life Rock Star Barbie - Comes with alcohol, drugs, throw-uppy action, high stress levels and real hangovers!

      Dead Barbie - Comes with will, hearse, grave stone, casket, and after a while she starts to decompose!

      Clown Barbie - Also comes with face paints (see Mime Barbie) and if you press a special button you can here screaming children, because face it, clowns are creepy.

      Old Geezer Barbie - Comes with hip replacement, saggy skin, and strokes and/or heart attacks. WARNING: Do not come to us when and if your Barbie just died. See Dead Barbie.

      @:#$&>! Barbie - Come with real cussing action such as, "YOUR A $(&>":@*" and, " YOU @#$^*>/"

      Optimistic Barbie - Comes with catch phrases like, "My hamster died, YIPPEE!" and "Although the world is coming to an end and we will all die, but it could be worse!"

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      So pleased the images made you all crack up laughing too. Certainly worked for me :)

    • KT pdx profile image

      KT pdx 8 years ago from Vancouver, WA, USA

      Awww...sorry, spryte, I did miss that. I didn't go "hub-hopping" with everyone to find the rest of the battle. Even what he did to Mr. Bunny is terrible! *pats you on the back and glares as Shades* Boys will be boys!

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      KT - You obviously missed what Shade did to my micromachine. I don't know if I want to play with him anymore. *sniffle*

    • KT pdx profile image

      KT pdx 8 years ago from Vancouver, WA, USA

      ROFLMAO at all of this! I finally followed Misty over here after the discussion was brought up in a forum thread, and glad I did!

      Ken always got "slime-o'd" in He-Man's Castle Grayskull playset, then Barbie got the hunk He-Man. Even GI Joe can't beat him! He'd try, though, ramming his tank and the airplane carrier from MicroMachines into the castle, but then the flutter ponies would bring buckets of water and flood the machines.

      Ahh...so many memories of playing with all the combined toys from my collection (Barbies, My Little Ponies) and my best friend's collection (MOTU, GI Joe, MicroMachines). Who says girls and boys can't play together?

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

      Oi-oi-oi-oi, that hurts! Thanks Cindy! :D

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Misty! I loved the golf-ball butt barbie :) Thanks for sharing that! Gawd...I hope my ass doesn't look like that. Ever.

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

      Ok, that's some funny S-. Prozac barbie made me lol for real.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      This one is good too. 'Midlife Crisis Barbie'. Scroll down the page to see the image :) 

      http://seniorcitizenhumor.blogspot.com/2007_02_01_...

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Hey guys you simply have to read this advert and look at the pictures about 'Raging Hormones Menopausal Prozac Barbie' Scroll down to the description and read away: http://lundissimo.info/imgs/barbie/prozacbarbie/pr...

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

      OEM parts are not hard to deal with :D

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      I am not sure I want Misha to 'outline it for me', sounds hard!!!!

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      MM - I love that comparison! (Also loved that movie). I think we'd scare the hell out of Mattel without ideas :) But is that really such a bad thing?

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      For some reason this thread is starting to remind me of the product planning meeting in the movie "Big." A bunch of adults sitting around (re)designing toys from an obviously adult perspective. But in this scenario, all the adults are on mind-altering substances (the so-called writer's high/zone). All I can say is it's a good thing none of you (ok, I do include myself in this categorization) sick people is actually employed by Mattel or any other toy company!! :P

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Gwen - Of course I don't mind :)

      Misty - LOL! I am not going to go into such detail here woman!! You'll just have to google it or take Misha's offer :P But let's just say, if you HAD seen one that wasn't...you'd remember.

      CW - If there was anything more fun than watching a little girl try to figure out what the big deal about Ken & Barbie was...I'm sure it was a little boy's version of it. (Judging by how knowledgeable most little boys DIDN'T seem to be when I was growing up). :P

      Misha: Couldn't you just outline it for her? :)

      Sixty: You've pretty much said it all...I couldn't add anything more. Neither could the blonde, evidently. :)

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

      Cindy, I think you'll have a chance to see for yourself when we all meet at Princessa's :D

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      I found the link Sixty, I will post it here because the other one doesn't seem to be working. I hope Spryte doesn't mind.

      https://hubpages.com/travel/HubMob-Weekly-Topic-Em...

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Sixty, I did not know that I had given you any ideas, but am so glad I could be of help to you. I clicked on the link and it says this does not exist. I wonder what happened?

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Spryte, 'Misty...what did you mean "naturally that way?" Haven't you ever seen uh...one of those in a...OEM state?'

      Not sure to be honest, any chance of a more detailed description of both so I know what to look for :)

    • Constant Walker profile image

      Constant Walker 8 years ago from Springfield, Oregon

      Desert, my sister's Barbie & Ken had a very active "romantic" life, much to the distress of my sister.

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      Reminds of the story of the blonde who dinged a car in the parking lot. In explaining to the cop she says "I thought that I had six inches to spare" The cop asks her to show her how big 6" is. She shows around a thumbs' length. the Cop says that's not ^6". She replies with a frown " But my husband assures me that is 6".

      BTW I give up trying to catch you guys.

      BTW I did the cruising hub for the hubmob thing http://hubpages.com/hub/HubMob-Weekly-Topic-Emeral... Thanks Gwendymom for the idea.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      So what doe's 6" usually look like? I know, seen one seen em all!

      How doe's that old joke go?

      "Do you have 6"

      "yes but I don't use it as a 'rule'"? :|O

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      "maybe he can be configured proportionately so that little girls can grow up knowing what 6" REALLY looks like."

      So are we promoting Ken to be molded into a state of permanent arrousal...or are we talking about what 6" usually looks like?

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      If someone is going to lobby Mattel to make more varieties of Barbie and Ken (did I read that somewhere above?) perhaps we could satisfy several anatomical tastes! Ken and Barbie au naturel and Ken and Barbie nip/tucked. Foreskin Ken, circumcised Ken. Perky A-cup Barbie could make a nice alternative to the current DDD version. And heck, if we're going to give Ken an actual package, maybe he can be configured proportionately so that little girls can grow up knowing what 6" REALLY looks like. LOL.

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 8 years ago from Australia

      Your STARTING to get a bit scary???

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      *waves to blondie* Hey there :) Yeah...we've been having a lot of fun at Barbie's and Ken's expense, but I'm so glad you could drop in and read the hub :) Definitely come back for the comments...they're even better :) Thanks DB!

      Misty...what did you mean "naturally that way?" Haven't you ever seen uh...one of those in a...OEM state?

    • desert blondie profile image

      desert blondie 8 years ago from Palm trees, swimming pools, lots of sand, lots of sunscreen

      Wow!!! so many comments!!! Must be twice as long as the column!!! FUN column...haven't read all the comments yet...but what's the percentage of those confessing to 'ultra-romantic' scenarios between the 'neutral' Ken and the 'weirdly feminine Barbie'? At least, 'ultra-romantic' where a 5th grader is concerned? Gotta come back and read all these comments...for now...fun column!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Time for bed now, tired as it is 04.15am, Yawwnnnn, catch up 2morrow :)

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Hmmm, I must investigate this more thoroughly, I thought they were naturally that way!!!

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

      LOL yet another time ESL plays jokes with me :D

      I did not mean to say that this - umm - operation turned out THAT bad for all of your men, I just meant that almost all of them are circumcised for whatever mysterious reason :)

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      You are wicked Misha, what are you trying to say about our men??? More to the point, what are we missing where you are??

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Quite possibly that is his problem, it was more of a castration than a circumcision! Most likely closer to a sex change!

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 8 years ago from DC Area

      Hadn't he been already? Somewhat brutally at that :D I guess all Americans and Brits are, regardless of religion...

      PS Bad minds think alike :D

    • spryte profile image
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      spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA

      Maybe that explains Ken's lack of genitalia...circumcision gone bad.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Bingo Barbie, comes with her own bingo machine and cards.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Interesting thought, I think she has always been non-denominational, otherwise Ken would have to have been circumcised!!!