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Parenting With Britney Spears

Updated on October 29, 2007

PARENTING = SAD FACE

Britney Spears has received an awful lot of attention this year with regards to her parenting skills. In the past she has been known to almost drop her child (but really, who hasn't almost dropped a baby, the damn things are so hard to keep hold off, someone should invent a baby with handles or something), and to drive with the baby on her lap, which is also frowned upon due to the likelihood of the baby heading through the windscreen in the event of a sudden stop.

Throughout the Spears-Federline custody battle, aspersions have been cast on Britney's ability to parent effectively or 'properly'. Sounds like a load of old stick in the muds trying to nose in on the right of a woman to raise her children as she pleases, if you ask me.

Perhaps you're a fan of Britney. Perhaps you'd like to raise your children like she does hers. Here are a few tips from the Britney Spears Book Of Parenting for you to follow:

Make Up A Language

Reports state that Britney often talks in a made up language to the boys, which upsets and confuses them. Clearly these people are unable to understand that Britney is in fact teaching her boys an important and somewhat esoteric lesson on the fleeting nature of language and meaning. I'm sure they'll grow up more enlightened as a result of it.

FAT TONY SAYS:

"She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don't get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children."

Get Naked A Lot

Britney Spears' ex bodyguard, a man dubiously named 'Fat Tony' testified that Britney enjoys getting naked any time anywhere. According to him, Britney stripped down completely in front of him, and on one occasion, even bent over for no apparent reason. Apparently new staff at the Spears household are even warned about Britney's 'nudity issues' as the judge put it, and Fat Tony believes that she does it simply to make people uncomfortable. However it is pretty obvious that Britney is merely imparting a sense of familiarity and ease with one's body to her boys. Evidently she hopes that one day, they too will feel as comfortable clothed, or unclothed.

FAT TONY SAYS:

"When they are unwell, her answer is: ‘Give the baby a bottle of medicine.' I've never seen her deal with them like a full, attentive mum."

Demonstrate The Use Of Alcohol

Many say that the French have healthy attitudes to alcohol because they are exposed to it on such a regular basis. It is common, for instance, for French parents to give their children a little wine mixed with water at dinner time in order to indoctrinate them into the culture. According to sources heard at the custody hearings, Britney often makes use of alcohol and recreational drugs around her children. What an excellent way to demonstrate to them whilst they are still young and impressionable, that alcohol and drugs are no big deal.

Give Them To Dad

Children need time with their father. Many children barely see their fathers at all anymore. Britney certainly hasn't fallen into this trap, and nor should you. Make sure your kids see as much of their father as time will allow. Spare no effort in doing this, even if you have to act like a crazy woman and lose custody of them to do it. Don't worry, you'll still get visitation, and one overnight stay per week, which leaves you free to party like the free spirit you are. Perfect!

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