Realistic Weddings Inc. - When Only The Truth Will Do
Due to this forum:
...and the frequent mention of the topic "wedding theme," it became next to impossible for my somewhat impressionable mind to not think about it. As a result, whether it was chosen as this week's topic or not...here is what my imagination came up with.
When Nothing But The Truth Will Do...
Reality is the name we give to our disappointments. Mason Cooley
We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality. Iris Murdoch
Welcome to Realistic Weddings, Inc. (R.W.I.)!The staff at R.W.I. would like to take this opportunity to congratulate you, not only on your upcoming nuptials, but also for realizing that a typical wedding of flowers, hearts, doves and cupids does not necessarily guarantee a happily ever after.
Here at R.W.I., we strive to offer our customers a more memorable reality based wedding service. While it may be true that, on that special day, you will in fact be marrying your best friend, no other company can offer you the opportunity to truly test the boundaries of that friendship like R.W.I.
Standard Single Theme Packages
All Single Theme Wedding Packages Include the following:*
- Your own personal semi-professional part time wedding coordinator
- Well-trained, theme-related wait staff for the duration of your reception
- Theme-related refreshments and entertainment
- Theme-related decor
- Lovely theme-related wedding invitations with MapQuest® directions to your perfectly planned event as well as free directions to the nearest emergency room in case of accidental injury or food poisoning.
- Theme-related wedding cake (except where noted)
- A 10% discount coupon for use at any inconveniently located R.W.I. Bridal & Other Fantasy Costume Shoppe©.
*Note - All items, with the exception of the MapQuest® directions and 10% discount are subject to change without notice. Your wedding coordinator will take into consideration your suggestions before totally disregarding them and deciding what you REALLY want.
The Super Bowl Sunday Wedding Package
Most couples prefer to choose holidays for their special occasion. It's romantic AND it makes it easier for a potentially forgetful husband to remember the sacred anniversary date. The only problem is...there are only so many holidays and they are quickly booked.
R.W.I. has found a unique solution to this dilemma. Why not plan your blessed event for Super Bowl Sunday? With our attention to detail, there is no longer a reason to shun this overlooked holiday. We offer:
- Unlimited Pizza Delivery, Hot Wings and Ribs for the gentlemen
- Quiche, breadsticks and a salad bar for the ladies
- La-Z-boy recliners with cup holders and snack tray
- Multiple wide screen televisions with TiVo
- A staff of drones that will respond immediately to the words, "Honey, can you get me a beer?"
- His & Her remote controls embossed in gold-leaf with the name of the bride, the groom and whatever Roman numeral Super Bowl the date of your event happens to coincide with.*
- In lieu of a wedding cake, a cheese ball in the shape of a football will be provided for your celebration.
*Note - Due to an unfortunate "accident" requiring the services of a proctologist, the remote control given to the bride will actually have a wee bit more control than the groom's. R.M.I. sincerely regrets any inconvenience this may cause and suggests that perhaps if the bride wants to cut the cheese ball, the groom should refrain from yelling across the room, "Can't it wait until half time?"
The Doghouse Wedding Package
Nothing could be more realistic than The Doghouse Wedding package. Our experienced staff is only too familiar with the fact that once the groom has said "I Do," he should bid a fond adieu to ever saying or doing anything right ever again. R.W.I. is committed to insuring that, without exception, if you aren't already in the doghouse for ogling the maid of honor (carefully hand-picked by our well trained staff), you will be by the time your best man (also carefully hand-picked by our well trained staff) reminds you in a whisper, sure to be overheard by your soon-to-be wife, that you stuffed them into the g-string of the cheap tart hired for last night's bachelor party and forgot to retrieve them.
From the start of your wedding festivities until the grueling end, R.W.I. promises to deliver as much fabricated evidence as necessary in order to assure that your experience is as real as possible.*
*For a nominal fee, R.W.I. will be more than happy to contact the purveyors of your honeymoon and order an uncomfortable couch to be placed outside of your suite.
The PMS Wedding Package
Using our patented FDA unapproved secret formula, R.W.I. can guarantee that anyone with a "Y" chromosome will be in fear for his life, sanity and genitalia during the entirety of your celebration. We have added some very special touches to this package that you are sure to appreciate:
- A Wide Screen Television which will alternate between such films as "The Burning Bed" and "Steel Magnolias."
- Boxes of Tissue embossed in a lovely silver or gold with the name of the bride, the groom and the date of your special occasion.
- An appeasing four-tiered chocolate wedding cake filled with double fudge mousse and frosted in milk chocolate buttercream frosting to satisfy the most voracious craving.*
- Color coordinated tulle wrapped party favors containing monogrammed Midol and Prozac.
*Note - Due to a rather unfortunate event, R.W.I. has been requested by its insurance carrier to omit the actual cake cutting/feeding ceremony from its package. As a proactive measure, R.W.I. has included at no extra charge to you the following service replacements:
- Color coordinated plastic cutlery
-A full security team of paranoid airport employees to perform baggage checks and full body metal detection scans of all female guests (including the bride and bridal party).
The Family Style Wedding Package
Why wait to enjoy the pure pleasure of parenthood? Lucky for you, R.W.I. in partnership with B.R.A.T.P.A.C. (Baby, Rugrat And Teen Parenting Adventure Company) is able to provide adorable, semi-adorable and totally relentless tots for your event!* Imagine the unforgettable quality of your wedding as junior wails and screeches in amazing decibels as you walk down the aisle to the romantic strains of Pachelbel's Canon. What could bring more realism to your reception than little Suzie running a finger, that was previously embedded in her left nostril, across your lovely wedding cake?
R.W.I. also offers the child rental portion of the Family Style Wedding in a gift package. Just imagine the gratitude your thoughtful present will inspire at the wedding of an ex-lover. Our motto at R.W.I. is "Why be bitter...when you can do better."
*Note: An additional fee will be assessed for any children not returned in their original pre-rental condition.
Deluxe Double Theme Packages
Planning a wedding is stressful enough without compounding it with pre-marital disagreement. Why settle for just one theme, when R.W.I. is proud to exclusively offer the Deluxe Double Theme Wedding Package?
HIS & HERS FANTASY WEDDINGS
For Her - The Traditional Wedding
While the staff at R.W.I. has tried its best to offer the most realistic weddings possible, we do realize that for some women, it's impossible to relinquish the fantasy of Disney's Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. For the more romantically inclined, R.W.I. is happy to offer the traditional wedding package. We promise you a multi-tiered confection of a cake that will be talked about for the next century. Little cartoon creatures will be hired to dress you to princess perfection and will then hang around doing adorable things. R.W.I. is pretty sure that our traditional wedding package is the sweetest thing going...with perhaps the possible exception of Miley Cyrus.*
For an additional charge, R.W.I. will be more than happy to hire Miley Cyrus as a guest for your reception.
*Note - Due to the pure sweetness of this event, R.W.I. does not recommend this package to diabetics, people with weak tooth enamel or those that suffer bouts of sugar-related hyperactivity.
For Him - The Strip Club Wedding
For the groom, R.W.I. figures one good fantasy deserves an equal counterpart...hence The Strip Club Wedding package. While your blushing bride is off la-la-la-ing with the bluebird of happiness, you and pretty much every non-henpecked male will be reliving those wonderful, misspent, hedonistic years before the words "I Do" ever happened. In order to guarantee your satisfaction, R.W.I. personally searched every strip club to bring you only the most beautiful women to tease, tantalize and make you rethink that whole marriage thing.*
*Note - Due to the high cost of hiring only the best and most talented women to ever writhe erotically on a pole, R.W.I. is only able to offer somewhat warm American beer, stale popcorn and overly-salted pretzels as refreshments. We doubt you'll even notice.
Realistic Weddings, Inc. Is At Your Service
R.W.I. wishes you all the best for your impending nuptials and hopes that you will consider choosing us for your upcoming event.
As a further service, unlike other wedding planners, we offer a free, no charge videotaping of your celebration when you mention our website. While most companies see your tender and memorable moment as just another opportunity to shove their hands deeper into your pockets, R.W.I. is proud to stand alone with our unique offer.
Upon completion of our services, you will be able to download every excruciating detail of your wedding directly from YouTube©...as will everybody else.*
*Note - Additional charges apply when requesting your videotape in a format other than YouTube©
Testimonials From Our Satisfied Customers
I cannot thank you enough for your service. At the recommendation of a friend, I opted to "gift" my ex-boyfriend and his trailer trash trollop girlfriend with a lovely assortment of annoying children courtesy of B.R.A.T.P.A.C. While I was not invited to the event, I have heard from those in attendance that the results were simply amazing.
If I might be so bold as to make a suggestion? Perhaps in the future you could offer the videotaping services as an addition to The Family Wedding Gift package. I would have so enjoyed seeing THAT on YouTube.
My wife and I chose The Doghouse Wedding package. Every day she tells me that this was the best wedding we could have possibly had...and she assures me that I agree with her. I really don't know how to thank you, but I'll check with the missus and get back to you on that.
To Whom It May Concern at R.W.I.:
I'm not sure about my wife, but I REALLY (wink,wink) enjoyed the Deluxe Double Theme Wedding Package offered by your company. Finally, a wedding service that understands what a man really wants.
P.S. Would you happen to have the email address or phone number for the really hawt redhead? I'd like to thank her as well.