The Honest Truth
“If it was a true friendship then the friend would understand.” “Maybe it wasn’t a true friend after all.” “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” ---- These are the easy quips we hear from people reassuring us that friendships are worthwhile. They are an easy reassurance for people who only know one side of the story.
What if you knew I lied? I lied because I was hurt and angry at my friend for ignoring me. I made a split second decision that ruined a 15 year friendship. I cannot take it back without exposing myself to my world as the constant lies I have told in order to back up the very first lie.
One lie turned into another, that lie grew until finally my stories took a life of their own. The more people that got involved the bigger it became. I wanted to be the important person. I wanted to win this. I deserved to come out on top of this argument.
This fact is she ended the friendship. She did it so subtly that no one knew. It even surprised me. I led myself to believe I was honest and open with her. How dare she! I lost control and lashed out. By the flick of the keyboard I made the ending public, as I knew it would be eventually. People would have asked her why. She wouldn’t have told, she is polite that way. Which only would have stacked the deck against me when it came to the vote of public opinion. I hit her where I thought it would hurt the most. I acted quickly and spread the lies faster and better than I ever could have dreamed. I finally got to give her the what for she deserved.
it's been months and I try to ignore the conscience that eats away at me. My therapist tells me in order to make amends with my recovery it would involve coming clean and telling everyone the truth. I would have to expose myself to my family. These people believed in me when she abandoned me. My other lies would unravel. Lies that didn't even pertain to the friendship. My father would know how I lied for money. My mother would know what I really thought of her. I had told them how horribly she treated me and how she always looked down on me, like I was dirt on her shoe. I was never good enough. There was more. I spilled out everything. My mouth worked faster than my brain and I just couldn’t stop.
But…but? to let the truth out? This friend never did those things. She always stressed the importance of self respect. She wanted me to learn for myself and become independent. She gave me money to pay my bills, even though both of us knew that I would be spending it at the bar while she watched my children. My children. She was their mother while I neglected them. And yes, “neglect” is a word I would use. She was with me when I hit rock bottom over and over. And over some more.
I stopped when the police got involved. I tried to back pedal. The murmurs died down. I couldn’t let anyone know she had gone to the police. She knows the truth. And yet, she hasn’t said anything to any of our mutual friends. I hid my address and phone number. I have poisoned my children against her and her children. I know she has started legal action against me for the slander and libel. I hide as best as I can, but I know it will eventually catch up with me.I went too far. I am now at a standstill for my recovery. I have a new boyfriend that I know isn’t good for me. I still don’t give my children the attention they deserve. I have a dead end job going no where. My life was not like this with her as a friend. Do I still deserve any of those quips on friendships? How if she were a true friend she'd understand and forgive me? Now what if I were to say that wasn’t really my side of the story?
Just a small reminder that you can't believe everything you read on the internet :)