ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The ULTIMATE Diet Guide

Updated on January 23, 2008

Could this be you?

What about this?

Dieting is a difficult task, and most experts agree that dieting is in fact, one of the worst possible ways in which a person can attempt to lose weight, due to the 'yoyo' effect that can be observed when the diet is totally changed for a short period of time and then reverts back to the usual high fat, high sugar crap that most of us eat.

Screw those experts.

Serious dieting is a serious business, a multi billion dollar a year industry, and billions of dollars can't be wrong.

Losing weight is one of the main goals of many people who have gained pounds and just can't seem to lose them again. The goody two shoers insist that we should just eat right and exercise often, but I think we can all agree that they have no idea what they're talking about. Exercise is boring, and moderation is too. What we need is a serious diet, an extreme diet. A life changing diet that will snap our figures into shape within minutes, not days.

Here are directions to a simple and action packed diet that will cleanse your mind, your body, and your very soul, all the while helping you shed those nasty pounds that make you ugly and unpopular.

STEP ONE: DENIAL

Pick an extreme diet comprised mostly of denial. Possible diets include a soup diet, a fruit and nuts diet, anything with "cleansing" in the title, vegetables only, no carbs, you get the general idea. Start this diet as soon as possible and hold yourself to it rigidly for as long as you can stand it (most likely somewhere in the neighborhood of 24 - 72 hours).

STEP TWO: THE DAM BURSTS

Break aforementioned diet by splurging on something high calorie and high sugar. Preferably splurge in large amounts. Eat a whole cake, several packets of cookies, consume a whole can of whip cream

STEP THREE: HATE IS POWER

Enter the self loathing stage. Flagellate yourself emotionally and swear that you will never eat another bite of chocolate so long as you live. Resume your extreme diet choice.

STEP FOUR: KEEP IT UP

Repeat steps 1-3 several times. By this stage you will be irritable, prone to mood swings, and for some reason, actually feel as if you are gaining weight rather than losing it. By now your metabolic rate has slowed down to a snail's pace crawl, and the cake you ate on your first splurge is making its way to your thighs.

STEP FIVE: REAP THE REWARDS

Try harder. Deprive yourself more. Lose somewhere between five and twenty pounds, and start getting compliments from people about your slimmer look. Feel better about yourself, feel better about the hell you're putting your body through. Feel a sense of achievement rush through you, and declare that it is time to return to a "normal diet"

STEP SIX: RELAX

Return to normal diet. Gain 30 pounds within a month.

STEP SEVEN: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

Begin cycle of self loathing and searching for a new extreme diet.

This diet method has proved insanely popular with men and women of all ages and all cultures for many years now. Since the 80's, when the obesity epidemic began bubbling in the underbelly of America, people have been coming up with new and insane ways to lose weight. Don't miss out on the magical benefits that these diets offer.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • midnighteden profile image

      midnighteden 10 years ago from UK

      Excellent hub and oh did that strike a chord...unfortunately for me ;-)

    • Hope Alexander profile image
      Author

      Hope Alexander 10 years ago

      Thank you for the kind comment and feedback, it is much appreciated :)

    • weight-loss profile image

      weight-loss 10 years ago

      I love this hub, Hope. The truth really hurts sometimes. Great job!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)