Pharmaceutical Breakthrough!

Completion of Class III clinical trials by drugmaker Pharmax has the industry abuzz. A new class of blockbusters has emerged from the testing -- drugs that could change many Americans' lives overnight. Company officials, citing business reasons, refused comment. But current and former trial participants interviewed by Drug Daily and promotional materials for the pharmaceuticals provided the following descriptions of the so-called "Situationals," expected to debut in 2009:

WakemeupB4Ugogonex DL -- Every evening around the world, youths wake with a start after drifting off to find themselves alone on the couch, their plans for the night shattered because heedless friends left without them. Such situations can cause acute feelings of isolation, social rejection and short-term depression. Not anymore. WakemeupB4Ugogonex's external stimuli-activated microamphetamines fire at full power in response to such noises as keys jangling, doors closing and phrases like "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya," waking light sleepers with a jolt and propelling them out the door in time to join departing friends. Be left behind no more with WakemeupB4Ugogonex.

UwannaBStartinSumthinabab -- (MamasayMamasahMamakosahtium Coolinate) -- Involuntary confrontational behavior touched off by crowding leads to violent incidents every day in our urban centers. Once activated by an out-of-control amygdala, UwannaBStartinSumthinabab injectable quickly shuts down "hothead" neurons, turning potentially fatal street battles into harmless break-dancing face-offs, as portrayed in the seminal film Breakin' II: The Electric Boogaloo.

ZaZeeZeeZuuZoinex (Cabcallium Ululate) -- Involuntary scat-singing (ISS) is a little known but troubling syndrome for hundreds of Americans, most of them direct descendants of the popular mid-20th century singer Cab Calloway. ISS forces unwanted attention on its sufferers, disrupts funerals and bat mitvahs, even torpedoes crucial job interviews amid a string of hay-de-hay-de-ha-de-hays and booly booly boodiat gong gong a dadas. And while the syndrome has launched the nightclub careers of some of its victims, countless others have been left veritable social pariahs after an unfortunately timed spate of "split-split-splickety lickety loos" while defending a doctoral thesis or proposing marriage. ZaaZeeZeeZuuZoinex's patented ScatBlocker targets special "jazz" neurons affecting tongue movements, nipping spontaneous scatting in the bud.

WmD Blockers -- The tragedy of White-man Dancing (WmD) is well-documented; sitcoms and movies have portrayed countless instances of this cruel affliction, while shocked onlookers witness real-life occurrences every day, whether it be the Dockers-clad project manager getting a little loose at Applebee's on a Friday night ("just a little bit lower now, just a little bit lower now") or the full-on horror of an engineering firm Christmas party at which two beefy, Mens Wearhouse-bedecked males, their faces flushed pink with alcohol, engage mano a mano to the strains of Play That Funky Music, White Boy.

Many "significant others" have sought to cure their loved ones through behavior modification, e.g. -- direct, hands-on instruction, salsa lessons, or forced viewing of such programs as Soul Train or footage from James Brown shows. Yet no one to date has devised a pharmacological remedy for White-man Dancing. Until now. Meet the new class of Situationals that quickly curtail WmD by specifically targeting all of the major WmD dances, both informal and ceremonial, with new behavior-modification drug "cocktails." These powerful drugs, named after the dances they block, include:

THE EGRET -- In this outbreak, the sufferer balances on one leg while extending his arms in a manner that evokes a wading bird. The victim then proceeds to perform a variety of intricate hand movements, often while experiencing small tremors and neck undulations. Such cases have been documented by numerous chiropractors, as well as a several noted ornithologists.

THE BUTT THRUST -- One of the most commonly seen manifestations of WmD; in this dance, the afflicted thrusts his posterior out in an exaggerated manner, then extends his arms into the air or straight down. He may suddenly thrust both arms to one side of his body while contorting his face, then to the other side, before returning to home position. Danger of sudden falls is a factor.

THE CAR DOOR -- Such cases involve a dance, often supported by fellow "back-up" dancers, the centerpiece of which is imitating opening a car door by bending slightly and extending an arm to "PUT THE KEY IN, PUT THE KEY IN, PUT-PUT-PUT-PUT-IN THAT-SHINY-KEY!". Repeated practice can lead to knee injury and spinal stress.

THE TWISTING ELEVATOR -- The WmD victim, not satisfied with merely performing a clumsy interpretation of a 50-year-old Chubby Checker song, in a moment of perceived inspiration begins plunging up and down while twisting, in apparent imitation of a commercial washing machine. The patient quickly becomes dangerously overheated and short of breath.

THE MARCH -- Syndrome in which the WmD victim has a partner and appears to step in place repeatedly, accompanied by a slight swaying from side to side. Injuries are not common.

TRIBAL CIRCLE -- One of the most frightening occurrences of WmD, this involves a sudden arrangement of the afflicted into a circular "man dance" in which those involved engage in a variety of dance-floor preening and display behaviors, many of them involving marching, stomping, jumping in the air or chest-to-chest battle dances to a chorus of "JAM YON IT, JAM YON IT." Likelihood of injury is high.