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Alternative Energy Alternatives

Updated on March 15, 2013

Red Rain Energy Shots

If you want to stay awake for, like, 2 weeks straight, this is the alternative energy for you. Chug a few bottles just before you climb into an interstellar transport. You can remain alert for the entire mission to Mars or finish that pesky term paper due in 12 hours. It will keep you mentally alert until it doesn't any more.


Shaped like little saddles, Pringles provide powerful sources of carbohydrates. Any chemist worth his sodium chloride will tell you that carbs represent an awesome source of energy. Actually, any chemist will be happy to tell you almost anything because no one talks to them very much.

Stock up on multitudinous flavors of Pringles for that much-needed energy surge during Super Bowl halftimes or Congressional Recesses.

5 Hour Energy

Most sentient humans can remain safely awake for 5 hours, but sometimes we need a little help. Imbibe a bottle of this product to keep your nerves jangling throughout your marathon sessions of Oprah Channel watching. Your eyes may droop but your brain will be on high alert as organic chemicals (hey, everything is a chemical) score new pathways between synapses.

Rocking Good Energy

Rock stars take excellent care of their bodies and they want the best for yours, too. This powerful energy source offers up vital nutrients packed into zero carbs. How they do that remains a mystery, but rest assured that every tour bus packs refrigerators packed with cans of this alternative energy source. Even the roadies and groupies get some.

Organic energy bars

Nothing satisfies like a bar full of organic energy. A dead skunk in the middle of the road is organic, but this bar almost certainly tastes better. Energy bars offer dramatic advantages over energy drinks: you can't spill a bar when you're canoeing Class V rapids or shooting the curl at Monongahela or doping your blood during the Tour de France. Keep boxes of these things handy at all times, just in case an energy shortage breaks out.

Gluten-free energy

Gluten doesn't sit well with some people. Those same people also need energy, so we would seem to be at an impasse.

Fortunately, science comes to the rescue. Dedicated teams of energetic researchers figured out how to encapsulate energy into food-based products without gluten. Don't ask how because they will probably tell you. Just eat the bars, enjoy the alternative energy, and move on to the next phase of your life.

High Protein Energy Bars

Protein builds muscles 12 ways and fits nicely into bar-shaped edibles. You'll never run out of energy as long as you keep swallowing what these companies are selling. You can also get protein from cheese, yogurt, steak, protein drinks, and legumes. None of the aforementioned items are listed here, so don't buy any.

Man and nature working together. It's heartwarming.
Man and nature working together. It's heartwarming.


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Austinstar : Move to Antarctica. It will never be 90 in March. I promise. Take some alternative energy with you and a broadband connection.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Wayne Brown: We can't have too many wind turbines. Line the roads leading to Kennedy compound, I say.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Insane Mundane : Let the sun shine it. And let the libs whine in.

      See where I went with that one?

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 4 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      My heart is warmed. Thanks. It was getting cold even though it's going to be 90 degrees in March. Crap.

    • Wayne Brown profile image

      Wayne Brown 4 years ago from Texas

      Can we ever have enough wind turbines? If I utilize any of this stuff, I will be much like Kramer with a "free coffee card" in his pocket. Thanks much! ~WB

    • Insane Mundane profile image

      Insane Mundane 4 years ago from Earth

      ...And they call us "the people of the sun." So much for solar power... Ha! Here I was, thinking that my central nervous system controlled my energy levels via my mind, but you say I need to eat more pringles and listen to introverted scientists! LOL!