Buy Mayan Gear Online

Most of the Mayans are long gone, having been defeated on their home field by visiting soldiers. Mayan military might simply could not compete with cavalry and steel. Perhaps the indigenous culture might have triumphed over a sufficient time span, but over the short run intrepid explorers lusting for gold conquered the folks who built pyramids, studied the heavens, and predicted the end of the world as we know it.

Fear not: Mayan gee-gaws, lagniappes, trinkets, and doo-dads can still be ordered online. Don't face the apocalypse without sufficient quantities of cultural remnants. It may be made in China, but at least it's cheap and inexpensive. We present a virtual cornucopia of possibilities. Whip out your modern credit card and order up some ancient Mayan mysteries.

We don't know for sure how ancient Mayans carried their newborns as they strode confidently to work. Building a pyramid requires both hands free: this handy sling carrier would have been perfect for working couples who couldn't afford royal day care. Order a set of these handy utilitarian serapes for everyone on your gift list who needs to lug around a child or two.

We're pretty sure that Spanish explorers preferred these baby carriers to great heaps of gleaming gold.

Mayans deserve credit for stunningly huge artifacts contrived from great blocks of stone. There wasn't a Home Depot on every corner. No self-respecting Mayan would deign to use a front loader anyway. Hand-crafting was the order of the day. We imagine that every Saturday morning local PBS channels would broadcast reruns of "This Old Pyramid" as exhausted Mayan laborers dawdled over french toast following a long week of memorial building.

Organic and raw and natural and non-GMA were adjectives demanded by discerning Mayans when they wrote their shopping lists on paper they invented using a language they also invented with pencils they would have invented if the Spaniards had not wiped them out.

Mayans were buff and athletic. Once the pyramids were finished, they invented skateboarding and the triathlon. Unfortunately, these concepts have not been lost to history. You, too, can be like an ancient Mayan by devouring copious quantities of this superfood.

When Mayan Mothers made Mayan Meals for Mayan Families, they smothered everything in hot sauce. Many hot sauces were available because the Mayan culture was so vibrant, but Authentic Mayan Style Hot Sauce eclipsed all other recipes. Brands such as Hun-Hunapu's Special Blend and Yum Caax Extreme Palate Blaster also sold very well, but discerning Mayan palates preferred El Yucateco XXXtra Hot. If you could meet an ancient Mayan, they would no doubt affirm this salient fact.

Don't serve your family another meal without dunking it in this ultra-hot food-based product. If it was good enough for Mayans, it's good enough for your relatives.

Some historians assert that Mayan society began it's precipitous descent when Maxwell House built a Dark Mayan Chocolate Latte factory in the shadow of a really impressive pyramid. Other historians have no comment on the subject because they are doing double shifts at Starbucks.

This luscious liquid lubricates your working-man spirit and gets you ready for another day of stacking 2-ton blocks and fighting off Spaniards on horses. Fill your thermos (probably also invented by the Mayans) with icy hot latte to keep you motivated as 2012 approaches.

Turn off your calendar and order some Mayan stuff. The end of the world may be coming and warehouses are overflowing with ancient bargains.