Buy Status Online

Food, shelter, and status, probably in that order, represent the primary needs of human beings populating the Internet. Never-ending quests for improvement in social standing punctuate brief pauses to find something to eat and to go inside when it rains.

We can stop at virtually any busy intersection to purchase hotdogs rotating slowly under heat lamps. At that same retail establishment we can pick up a paper-based document detailing opportunities to obtain shelter. Oddly enough, these 'gas stations' offer little in the way of status-based products.

Fortunately, the Internet offers a veritable plethora of goods and services intended to aid in climbing the social ladder. Standing out from the crowd, in a good way, may be achieved by ordering just a few strategic products. We present several of the most popular products that will help you improve your status without breaking your bank.

Ever wonder why you want to improve your status? Have you tossed and turned all night long, struggling with the age-old questions; "Who am I? Why am I? Where should I eat lunch tomorrow?" Someone already knows, and they wrote it down for you.

This book will make you feel better. Put aside your insomnia and order it. Super-intelligent scientists joined forces with a large publishing house to produce this epic tome. Read it several times, then tuck it into a dark corner of your junk drawer so everyone else will have to buy their own copy.

Only folks at the top of the social ladder stand in line every morning to order complex coffee-based breakfast drinks. Unfortunately, those unfortunates are always late to work and miss out on kissing up to the boss because they stood in line waiting to overpay for what they could have concocted at their kitchen counter. Order several of these status-enhancing devices to save yourself the potential discomfort of sliding down the pecking order at work.

You may be shocked and awed to learn that even anarchists spend money on sunglasses. Perhaps they have a few bucks left over from not purchasing deodorant. Look no further than these stylish specs the next time you get invited to an anarchy party and you find yourself in needs of a last-minute gift because all the anarchy wholesale outlets are closed due to unscheduled rioting.

Whether you are clustering in the park for spirited games of hack-sack or trudging down main street under threat of tasers and tear gas, these stylish sunglasses will give you something to hide behind.

Rappers and parole officers of rappers all agree: ornate contrivances of precious metals enclosing human extremities provide huge globules of status. No one wants to be photographed sprinting from the courthouse to the waiting limo with a Members Only jacket covering their head unless they are wearing appropriate wrist bling.

This thing is expensive. Buy two.

Allowing your baby to sleep in a Status Series 500 Convertible Crib virtually guarantees your status amongst other image-conscious parents. The child will doze off in a swaddle of comfort and joy. It costs much less than braces or etiquette lessons.

You will also sleep better, knowing that this innovative hunk of furniture can also be converted into a full size bed. When the time comes to enroll in community college, no other pre-business major will be as well rested.

Squeeze a blob of status into your hand and massage it into your hair. Better yet, empty the entire bottle directly onto your head and reorder another case immediately.

This amazing product will make your hair feel thicker, which is a prerequisite for high-level hair status.

The wet look is 'in', as far as we know. Spritz your coiffure with styling gel before scaling the ladder of success.

In many cultures, feet are considered the barometer of status. An attractive foot ensconced in a slingback sandal rockets the foot owner into the upper hierarchy of society. Leave your Crocs at home. Put aside your flip-flops. Never leave the house again without several pairs of slingback sandals on your feet. They are always on sale.

Update your Twitter status, your Facebook status, and your social status, but buy something first.