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Buy Status Online

Updated on September 17, 2011

Can Status be Found Online?

Food, shelter, and status, probably in that order, represent the primary needs of human beings populating the Internet. Never-ending quests for improvement in social standing punctuate brief pauses to find something to eat and to go inside when it rains.

We can stop at virtually any busy intersection to purchase hotdogs rotating slowly under heat lamps. At that same retail establishment we can pick up a paper-based document detailing opportunities to obtain shelter. Oddly enough, these 'gas stations' offer little in the way of status-based products.

Fortunately, the Internet offers a veritable plethora of goods and services intended to aid in climbing the social ladder. Standing out from the crowd, in a good way, may be achieved by ordering just a few strategic products. We present several of the most popular products that will help you improve your status without breaking your bank.

Find out why you do what yo do. Someone knows you better than you do,
Find out why you do what yo do. Someone knows you better than you do, | Source

I, Mammal: Why Your Brain Links Status and Happiness

Ever wonder why you want to improve your status? Have you tossed and turned all night long, struggling with the age-old questions; "Who am I? Why am I? Where should I eat lunch tomorrow?" Someone already knows, and they wrote it down for you.

This book will make you feel better. Put aside your insomnia and order it. Super-intelligent scientists joined forces with a large publishing house to produce this epic tome. Read it several times, then tuck it into a dark corner of your junk drawer so everyone else will have to buy their own copy.

Up your status with coffee
Up your status with coffee | Source

De'Longhi EC155 15 BAR Pump Espresso and Cappuccino Maker

Only folks at the top of the social ladder stand in line every morning to order complex coffee-based breakfast drinks. Unfortunately, those unfortunates are always late to work and miss out on kissing up to the boss because they stood in line waiting to overpay for what they could have concocted at their kitchen counter. Order several of these status-enhancing devices to save yourself the potential discomfort of sliding down the pecking order at work.

What every well-dressed anarchist is wearing.
What every well-dressed anarchist is wearing. | Source

Anarchy Men's Status Rectangular Sunglasses

You may be shocked and awed to learn that even anarchists spend money on sunglasses. Perhaps they have a few bucks left over from not purchasing deodorant. Look no further than these stylish specs the next time you get invited to an anarchy party and you find yourself in needs of a last-minute gift because all the anarchy wholesale outlets are closed due to unscheduled rioting.

Whether you are clustering in the park for spirited games of hack-sack or trudging down main street under threat of tasers and tear gas, these stylish sunglasses will give you something to hide behind.

Wrap your wrists in status. Your hands will thank you.
Wrap your wrists in status. Your hands will thank you. | Source

Solid Satin and Polished Onyx Status

Rappers and parole officers of rappers all agree: ornate contrivances of precious metals enclosing human extremities provide huge globules of status. No one wants to be photographed sprinting from the courthouse to the waiting limo with a Members Only jacket covering their head unless they are wearing appropriate wrist bling.

This thing is expensive. Buy two.

Don't put a baby in anything less.
Don't put a baby in anything less. | Source

Status Series 500 Stages Convertible Crib

Allowing your baby to sleep in a Status Series 500 Convertible Crib virtually guarantees your status amongst other image-conscious parents. The child will doze off in a swaddle of comfort and joy. It costs much less than braces or etiquette lessons.

You will also sleep better, knowing that this innovative hunk of furniture can also be converted into a full size bed. When the time comes to enroll in community college, no other pre-business major will be as well rested.

Increase the status of your hair.
Increase the status of your hair. | Source

STATUS For Men Styling Gel

Squeeze a blob of status into your hand and massage it into your hair. Better yet, empty the entire bottle directly onto your head and reorder another case immediately.

This amazing product will make your hair feel thicker, which is a prerequisite for high-level hair status.

The wet look is 'in', as far as we know. Spritz your coiffure with styling gel before scaling the ladder of success.

Sling your foot into this status symbol.
Sling your foot into this status symbol. | Source

LifeStride Women's Status Slingback Sandal

In many cultures, feet are considered the barometer of status. An attractive foot ensconced in a slingback sandal rockets the foot owner into the upper hierarchy of society. Leave your Crocs at home. Put aside your flip-flops. Never leave the house again without several pairs of slingback sandals on your feet. They are always on sale.

Conclusion

Update your Twitter status, your Facebook status, and your social status, but buy something first.

Comments

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    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      Everything looks great except for those shoes!

    • lmmartin profile image

      lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida

      Stuff=Status? Who knew?

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drbj : Great idea... a hub is germinating...

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      Great status symbols, nicomp. I would add just one more: the most expensive pen one can find - Mont Blanc will do in a pinch. No cheap Bic stick nor Pilot stylus for me, thanks.

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