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I Want To Buy Gold

Updated on August 8, 2011


I want to buy gold. Television commercials, Internet banner ads, and radio spots constantly trumpet the advantages of owning this luscious metal. No one can own enough of it. My fortune will be complete if I can simply accumulate mountains of all forms of gold.

I want to own gold. Every spare cent I have will be added my growing pile of spare cents. When sufficient spare cents accumulate, I will trade them for a hunk of this wonderful investment vehicle. I'll store it in secret places throughout my palatial one-room apartment. No one will know where it's hidden, even my hairdresser. Gold will be tucked into every cranny of my breakfast nook.

Instead of purchasing dividend-paying equities such as P&G, AT&T, or Oprah, my investment capital will appreciate in the form of a soft yellow metal commonly used in wedding rings and electronic circuits and teeth for professional rappers.

Gold makes the world go 'round. Buy some for yourself.
Gold makes the world go 'round. Buy some for yourself. | Source

Everyone will be jealous of my gold

The entire civilized middle-class world longs to identify safe yet fashionable investment havens. Everyone with 2 nickels to invest craves a vehicle that appreciates and can also be appreciated. Bonds are boring, stocks staid, and the sub-prime mortgage market no longer offers any challenge, except staying out of jail. Gold, on the other hand, provides a level of cachet outstripping every other investment.

Rich people own gold. They pave their driveways with it. Their gold plated watches are solid gold. I want to be like those rich people. When a rich person asks me if I own gold, I will whip out my wallet and show them photos of my gold posing with my family.

Some investors will squirrel their money into portfolios built from balanced approaches consisting of triple A rated bonds, quintuple A rated mutual funds, puts, covered calls, naked calls, LEAPS, large caps, medium caps, small caps and baseball caps autographed by future hall-of-famers. My portfolio consists of bright shiny gold in various shapes and sizes. I will have a room dedicated to adoring my gold in all its' forms. Financial savants from far and wide will pilgrimage to my underground lair simply to gape at my gold.

I will accumulate enough gold to make myself into an expert on the subject. When CNBC requires a quote from a gold guru, the first name on their short list will be my name. Eventually the media will anoint me with a nickname germane to my status as gold wizard. That nickname will become my email address and my web site address. Anonymous quotes will be attributed to me when gold investors huddle in Internet chat rooms to discuss important issues.

I want to buy gold online

Buying gold online is the only way to buy gold, except for all the local stores that buy gold. My gold will come from distant merchants with dazzling websites. I will carefully study the 'spot price' on a regular basis, ready to pounce on special deals only recognizable to experienced gold investors.

I will have hundreds of bookmarks bookmarking websites that sell gold. When a new site comes online selling gold statues of famous gold miners, I will be there with my credit card primed and ready. My purchases will be charged to my American Express Platinum Card.

I want Gold in all forms

Gold comes in nuggets, but savvy investors shape it into other convenient shapes. My gold fortunes will consist of varying configurations including jewelry, bullion, coins, and even gold dust. When I clean my house, actually when my housekeeper cleans my house, the dust rags will mop up fortunes sufficient to fund semesters at IVY League colleges, including books and coffee. No one will have more important dust than I.

I want gold bullion. Bullion is a french word meaning 'unaffordable.' There may be some bullion somewhere in my house: I'm not sure what it looks like, yet. When piles and bags and truckloads of bullion begin arriving, I will know it when I see it.

Gold coins will be in my collection. They will never be used to purchase Frito's from vending machines, rather they will nestle in special envelopes festooned with certifications and guarantees of authenticity. I will have an app on my phone that prints certificates of authenticity. Every country in the gold-producing world will be represented in my accumulation of coins.

Some, but not more than 10%, of my gold will be stored in vaults locked behind state-of-the-art bomb-proof titanium doors in countries where they make chocolate and ski a lot. I'll never touch this gold, although I may visit it when I go on vacation.

A very important part of my gold ownership experience will consist of mutual funds specializing in precious metals. I plan to have no clue how these funds actually function, but I will dutifully send in my money on a regular basis. I will seek out non-diversified funds participating in the investment characteristics of equities and securities related to gold producers involved in reverse-default credit swaps and bright shiny objects.


Join me in my quest for gold. Together we will make me rich.


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drbj : GoldGuru is old school. G-Diddy is my current fav.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      You have reached your zenith, nicomp. This was a titillating treatise on the glory of gold ownership. Every phrase is a nugget; every paragraph a vein of pure gold. Bravo.

      BTW, how about GoldGuru for your email name when CNN realizes your inestimable value?