16 Thoughts I Have When I'm Annoyed at Walmart

I don't shop at Walmart often. Every time I do, I remember why I never go there.

Take yesterday, for example. The store was packed, as usual, despite the severe thunderstorm taking place outside. I typically get severe "cart rage" when this happens and find it incredibly difficult to avoid intentionally ramming my cart into another shopper. If I didn't have small children, I'd probably do it.

I wanted a jug of bottled water. Unfortunately, a woman and her friend/girlfriend/kid/whatever were blocking the water. I said, "Excuse me", but they continued talking. At this point, I had to reach behind the woman to slowly pull my water out. I was just inches away from her rear end, and it was obvious that I was struggling to get the giant jug of water out with her in the way, but she didn't seem to care.

I mean, seriously, WHO DOES THAT?! Do people not have manners these days? You see that somebody wants something behind you, so move. MOVE. For the love of God, just move.

As I shop, I find myself thinking things - all of which are laced with profanity and nowhere near as nice as what I'm typing here - like:

• OMG, get off your cell phone and shop.

• Nobody wants to hear you scream at your toddler. We get that he's being bad, but Walmart is not the place for a full-blown screaming fest.

• Nobody wants to hear you scream at your partner. We get that he/she is an idiot, but save that drama for your house.

• Stop making out in the middle of the aisle. Go do that in the corner so I can get what I need.

• Walk on one side, not the middle of the aisle. I can't get around you, and you're moving way too slowly.

• Are you unaware that I'm looking for a parking space? Could you maybe move out of my way so I can get through the parking lot without killing you?

• Yes, I am in line with 3 tired children. If you try to cut in front of me, I will not hesitate to "accidentally" ram my cart into you as I regain my spot and pay for my items.

• Get out of my bubble. Why do all of you need diapers at the exact same time as me? Go get some bread and come back in two minutes. I can't breathe.

• Could you maybe have put on a bra before you left the house? Just maybe?

• Don't touch my children. Get your grubby fingers away. Now.

• Now is not the time to lecture me about Jesus. I'm already religious. Go away.

• Now is not the time to lecture me about my children. Like I care if you think my son shouldn't be eating while I shop or my baby needs shoes. Shut up already.

• Why is there a line all the way back to electronics?! Why is there only one cashier?!

• Stop beating your kid in the middle of the aisle.

• I have small children. Now is not the time to walk around bragging about your drug use or the hot chicks you hooked up with last night. Please, just shut up.

• This is why I shop at Target.

I get that there are things in life that suck way more than shopping at Walmart, but that doesn't make my trips to the store any less stressful. Expect to see me at Target until I get my annoyance under control.