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Stop Following Me and Buy Something

Updated on April 28, 2012

Stop Following Me

Perhaps the smartest hubber in hubberspace is The Old Firm, who got mad at me a few years back and stopped following me. Without question his life improved immediately. There's truly nothing to see here.

Undoubtedly I appreciate all my loyal followers, but the time has come for you to go outside and play. Literally, a veritable plethora of opportunities exist beyond the digital walls of my authorings. You're missing a lot. Look online for purchasing adventures engineered to expand your horizons.

Buy a Play Ball

Inventing the round rubber ball ranked as a high point in societal evolution. The forward-thinking Leisure Engineer who is responsible richly deserves a Nobel Prize for Fun. Should you find yourself indoors with little to do beside read my hubs, order up a gaggle of balls for outside playing. Bounce them off smooth unyielding surfaces such as driveways and Donald Trump's hair. Make up your own rules, like happy little children and Congress.

Nothing provides entertainment more efficiently and economically than bouncing rubber balls. Don't let the tradition die: too many kids are hooked on 'video games' and 'Facebook.' Your neighborhood needs you: move the fun back into the cul-de-sac.

Buy a BB Gun

You probably will not shoot your eye out. If you do manage an unfortunate ricochet, consider yourself excused from reading any more of my hubs. BB Guns have been the mainstay of little freckle-faced boys with coonskin caps and absentee parents for as long as K-Mart has been in business. You can order these amazing devices online as well: the Internet is a wonderful place to shop for potentially dangerous but immensely enjoyable toy guns for children. Get yourself one, too.

When blue-helmeted UN representatives finally sweep your neighborhood for unauthorized weapons of self-defense, they will probably look past BB guns, We should all be so lucky.

Go Fishing

Rest assured that if the fish had BB guns we wouldn't enjoy drowning worms nearly as much. While away a Summer's day perched on a folding chair adjacent to your favorite pond or ocean instead of straining your brain to figure out what I'm trying to say in my 42nd hub about pomegranates.

If you're lucky, you'll catch dinner. Cook your new-found friend on a grill, then spend time with your neighbors not reading more of my hubs. The fresh air and protein will do you good.

Start a Collection

Collecting things represents the 5th most popular activity online. We heartily endorse accumulating coins, glass hens, model cars, staple removers, and eBay ratings.

Competition is fierce for this collectible junque. Your real-life friends will thrill to your stories of lust, betrayal, and online ordering. Indiana Jones will sit with you at Chipotle. Collecting anything at all shows the world that you have better things to do with your time than read my hubs. We agree.

Buy a Time Share

Indeed, an optimal alternative to following me on HubPages might be luxuriating beach-side. Look for financially viable opportunities on reputable sites such eBay. A time-shared condo or camping site at the local KOA will distract you from my poorly formed grammatically incorrect rambling unfocused treatises that benefit no one and probably contribute to climate change in some small way.

Myrtle Beach is flush with unoccupied rooms begging to host you and your sunblock collection. There's an Outback Steak House on every corner. T-shirt vendors provide souvenirs replete with catch-phrases much more imaginative than anything you'll read here.

Get an iPod

Should your electronic accoutrement not include at least one iPod and you find yourself reading my hubs, consider yourself only one strike away from making the last out in the bottom of the ninth inning of the World Series of Having a Life.

iPods propel otherwise uncool sentient humans to the pinnacle of social awareness. Your friends will talk about you behind your uncool back should they see you without Apple devices and customized accessories. Fortunately, eBay proffers innumerable auctions for iPods, many of which are actually not stolen.


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      OK, I think I got the rubber ball product filter tuned properly. It's showing basketballs now. WTG eBay.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Bummer eBay puts up an ad for ball point pens next to my Rubber Ball paragraphs. I need to adjust that filter...

    • profile image 5 years ago

      Good one Nicomp The internet is good for friendships, posing and entertainment and TO FIND and OFFER THINGS that are REAL - make SOMETHING REAL FIRST then and only then use the internet for people to find it! Sometimes the difficulty is knowing if something is really real?

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 5 years ago

      I just got rid of a few timeshares. Does that count?