ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

There's something wrong with your skin

Updated on July 18, 2013
If your skin looks like this, you are a pork rind.
If your skin looks like this, you are a pork rind. | Source

Is your skin substandard?

We in flyover country are blessed with never-ending supplies of Walgreens and CVS outlets. Often these personal care giants face off from opposite corners of the same intersection. No consumer escapes their gravitational pull. Should you suddenly require 1000 Q-tips a 3AM, well-lit automatic doors stand ready to slide open for you.

Modern drug stores would be mostly empty if our collective skin wasn't so evidently awful. Our pores are too big, except when they are too small. Our eyebrows extend just a little too far left or right. Our eyelashes require constant attention. Cheekbones lack definition and microscopic crinkles make us look 26 instead of 25.

There's a pill or a potion or a paint for all these issues. Once we've been convinced that there's something wrong with our skin, it's a quick trip to the personal care aisles that will solve all our problems. Long live people with substandard skin and credit cards.

Skin-enhancements can be ordered online, too

Driving to Walgreens presents little challenge, but ordering skin care accoutrement online requires even less effort. In between reruns of CSI: Las Vegas we can spend precious time clicking on that which will make us prettier.

Marketing convinces you that there's something wrong with your skin and FedEX brings you relief. All you need to do is stay home and point with your mouse. No one will question your desire to self-improve. We all want to be liked: the correct shade of eye shadow might make that happen.

Obviously none among us will ever find true love until we correct obvious skin issues. Improperly chosen shades of skin paint will send potential suitors running for someone else who looks like a supermodel. It's all there in the advertising. That perfect hue and tone might just solve all our problems.

Color is the key

Whatever color your original skin sported, another color must be better. Peter Max never had so many choices. Picasso would be jealous. Look online for voluminous palettes suitable for graduate studies at leading art schools.

It's a great way to spend an evening. Instead of meeting people, apply color to your face and then try to meet people who prefer that skin color. We didn't evolve blue eyelids but they can be ordered online.

Cost is also the key

This stuff costs more than printer ink.

Your skin gets old and evidently that's a bad thing. You want young skin. When you're shopping for Q-tips at Walgreens you want your skin to look like it was born that morning. They might give you a discount.

Spend as much as possible on skin care products. Dab it carefully onto your exposed facial dermis, then stand back as years fall away. Expect to be carded when you try to buy lottery tickets. Your younger skin will improve your social standing among those folks who judge you by the age of your skin. A self-fulfilling prophecy, it is.

Apply it at night. As your face graces your pillow, years of age conduct themselves into your bed. The age has to go somewhere. You will wake up with a really old mattress. No one cares how old your box springs might be. As long as your face appears un-aged, life will hold promise.

We don't know what's in it. There could be plant extract from something unpronounceable. Growing in deep jungles, this hapless flora minded its' own business for thousands of years until enterprising jungle chemists smeared it onto their faces. In the hope of meeting other shallow jungle chemists they experimented with various combinations of plant extracts until their collective skins stopped aging. After that is was a short trip to your corner drug store.

Your skin actually looks like this. It's a good thing.
Your skin actually looks like this. It's a good thing. | Source

A Spa is also the key

Anything applied to your face should originate from a spa. The average spa rejuvenates more skin than a maternity ward. No self-respecting skin should be without spa-quality products, preferably a spa in a deep jungle. Exclusive spas spring up in jungles all the time.

Even better than spa-quality items originating in the deep European jungle are unpronounceable products with similar pedigrees. All these discoveries must be named. Scientists gather in hermetically sealed rooms to confer with marketing agents. Tongue-twisting titles inevitably result. If you can pronounce it, stay away from it.

Travel across state lines to unpronounceable locales and visit exclusive spas for unpronounceable skin-care regimens. Caring community college graduates with buttery smooth accents will tend to your needy skin. Your friends will still recognize you, but they will step back in awe of your newly crafted pores.

Vitamins are also the key

Your average skin needs vitamins. Herbs and minerals matter, but vitamins make the most difference. We favor Vitamin E for skin nourishment because so many products already include it. Vitamin E is a fat-soluble molecule along the lines of γ-tocopherol. Chemists know what that means and you've never seen a chemist with substandard skin, have you?

You can find Vitamin E in oils of wheat germ, sunflower, and safflower. It's considered an anti-oxidant: that always makes our skin happy. We want no oxidants near our skin, probably.

Vitamin C also makes skin look preferable. Smear an orange onto your face daily or order expensive skin treatments online. You don't actually want the skin of an orange: it's good for the orange but it won't help you land that big promotion or find everlasting love.

It's OK to combine disparate vitamins into a single skin regimen. Highly skilled facial industrial engineers toil long into the afternoon so you can get away with fewer bottles in your bathroom cabinet. They care about you and your square-footage.


It's your face. Take care of the skin covering it. No one else will do it for you. Veritable multitudes of attractive exotic products await you both online and at the corner drug store. Pick out something and get going: you're late for destiny.

I am convinced that there's something wrong with my skin

See results

Take this handy skin quiz, or not.

view quiz statistics


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      I voted. No one else has.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      5 years ago from south Florida

      OMG, nicomp, I must take advantage of a plethora of these products immediately to avoid my skin looking like - horrors! - a pork rind. Hope I read all this in time.

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 

      5 years ago from Deep South, USA

      I think your tongue was placed firmly in your cheek as you wrote this piece, nicomp! I smiled all the way through, but laughed out loud when I read the part about waking up with a "really old mattress" after sleeping on it when skin is slathered with unguents!

      Marketing mavens know that everyone wants to look young, so they assiduously promote the "youth culture", aided and abetted by the movie and glossy magazine industries. Airbrushing celebrity photos for publication makes people in their 60s look 20 years younger, and skillfully performed cosmetic surgery adds to the illusion. (I mention "skillfully performed", but it also requires the ability to know when "enough is enough.") These tactics evoke the desire of non-celebrity people to maintain the look of youth. The psychology of marketing takes advantage of this desire (which marketing induced) in order to sell high-priced products...and it works.

      I really enjoyed your hub. Voted Up++



    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)