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What Would Kim Buy?

Updated on November 5, 2011

Kim would buy all this stuff

We know many people named Kim. A subset of these people would love to own all the items we have identified below. After much research and deliberation, these products offer fashion and utility in proper ratios guaranteed to make the owner popular. Not just any random bling graces our list: a stringent set of qualifications were applied and quantified before consideration was granted.

We want everyone named Kim to enjoy life to the fullest. Take a long look at our selections and load up on gifts for the Kim in your life. Don't allow your favorite Kim to trod the red carpet or appear on camera without appropriate accoutrement. A veritable plethora of high-visibility gear awaits you and your credit card. It's all in your hands.

Kim needs a calendar

Having a busy schedule obligates proper time management. Nothing shouts I'm organized louder than a calendar hanging in the kitchen. Our Kim cries out for a way to semi-permanently record appointments and proudly display them. This ideal calendar comes complete with a handy hole punched in the same place at the top of each page to facilitate easy hanging on any flat wall.

We all know a year consists of 12 months, but this calendar goes to the extreme: 4 extra months are included at no extra charge. Should Kim find herself far too busy to swing by Wal Mart for a replacement calendar, or unable to mentally adjust to a new year, she has an extra 4 months to devise a new timekeeping plan.

Kim wants to play music

Kim's iPod must be protected. To that end, we endorse an American Flag iPod cover replete with an authentic representation of an American Flag. No harm will befall her digital music storage and playback device when ensconced in this hard plastic case.

This case snaps on easily for a snug fit. It covers most of the back of the device and a tiny bit of the front. An iPod is not included, but your Kim probably already received one or ten in an awards show gift bag.

Kim wants to be orange

Self-tanning allows Kim to stay home, safely hidden from horrible pathogens growing on all the tanning beds in Southern California. Smear on a little of this extremely smear-able stuff for a virtually instant skin tint. It won't wash out when paparazzi Klieg lights illuminate the night. It won't wash off when you're contractually obligated to cavort in the surf.

Kim wants to watch TV

Despite being a busy internationally recognized entity who is famous for being famous, Kim enjoys a little down time now and again. Her television of choice is a flat screen, for obvious reasons. This stunning example of TV technology delivers all her favorite shows such as Masterpiece Theater, Nova, and SpongeBob SquarePants.

Kim needs foot clothes

Refusing to go shoeless, Kim prefers to ensconce her feet in stylish contrivances engineered especially for humans. Whether she's striding from the spa to the limo to the juice bar to the salon to the liposuction clinic, or she's climbing Mt. Everest, proper footwear is always a super-duper high priority.

Kim wants to accessorize

Adorning her wrists with the most fashionable rubber bands is an absolute requirement before stepping out for a night on the town. Kim knows everyone is watching: at least she hopes so.

Kim loves sports

Athletics a play a huge part in Kim's life. To that end, accumulating masses of sports memorabilia makes sense. These items can only increase in value, as any savvy shopper already knows.

Kim wants to weld

Kim knows that someday her limo driver may call in sick and her cell phone battery could die and her Range Rover could experience a catastrophic failure of a crucial structural component such as a frame rail, all on the same day when she has a crucial appointment with Ryan Seacrest. Fortunately, Kim possesses mad skillz with an arc welder. Executing emergency repairs is a trivial exercise when a quality arc welding kit stands at the ready

Kim wants to smell

Proper nasal function is of huge import to Kim and her cadre. Liberal applications of over the counter medications typically provide much-needed relief when allergies or mild flu symptoms persist.

Kim wants to wear hair

Wig technology has advanced to the point that most people no longer appear to wearing an agitated badger on their head. Kim's wigs of choice provide a level of style and fashion rivaled only by real authentic hair growing out of her head. When her real hair gets damaged due to overly enthusiastic arc welding episodes, a wig comes to her rescue.

Kim wants a ring

Kim's has no plans to take one step out of her jewelry closet into the real world unless she's sporting a massive engagement ring that's big enough to choke a wildebeest. Her ring is so huge it requires two fingers. Her ring is so significant that Oprah is doing a show about it. It can be seen from outer space. The United Nations is considering favored nation status for her ring.

You can't have her ring, but you can have a cheap plastic facsimile. Keep your hand moving and no one will ever suspect that you're not engaged to someone.

Kim wants to exercise

No, not really. she pays someone to exercise for her.

Who are we kidding?

Kim hardly has time to arc weld the frame rails on her Land Rover, let alone execute a round of circuit training. The demands on her time are so great as to preclude physical exertion beyond lifting her massive engagement ring onto her slender finger.

Kim needs to survive

The vast majority of sentient humans favor survival, especially for themselves. We suspect that Kim is no different. A survival knife would be a crucial part of her bug out bag (which is probably an expensive purse) and would serve her well as she makes her way through the burned out remnants of exclusive shopping districts in major cities, searching for undamaged exfoliating products.

Buy the same stuff Kim buys

You can be like Kim. We all want to be like Kim.

Comments

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    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drbj: What... I'm just a Bruce Jenner fan.

      @Derdiru: Thank you for your kind words!

    • profile image

      Kim 6 years ago

      This isn't funny.

    • profile image

      Derdriu 6 years ago

      Nicomp: What a belly laugh going through this hub! Which is more hilarious: the titles or the text or is it a perfect tie (yes!)?

      Thank you for writing and sharing, voted up, etc.,

      Derdriu

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      Very clever, nicomp. Particularly enjoyed your including the Bruce Jenner 8 x 10 photo. Very appropriate.

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