20 Ways to Quickly and Successfully Raise Money For Your Presidential Reelection Campaign
There are few things sadder to see than a Presidential campaign running low on funds, especially when the campaign runner is the sitting Commander-in-Chief. The world recently learned that donations to the Obama reelection campaign have dropped considerably, so much so in fact that the administration has launched a Wedding Gift Registry fund-driving promotion. The promotion –described in detail at the Reelect Obama and Biden in 2012 website- asks soon-to-be-married couples to help in Obama’s reelection dreams by having them ask their guests to register to donate to the Obama campaign in lieu of traditional wedding gift.
Unfortunately for team Obama-Biden this promotion venue is gaining a lot of derision in the press and media. Seems all too many folks still believe newlyweds need stuff like linens, towels, furniture, toasters and dishes to set up housekeeping. And this conventional way of thinking is only counter-productive to the sights our hardworking President has his eyes on.
In light of the criticism I’ve come up with some other ideas for how the President can raise funds. Now I know they’re not quite as classy as the Wedding Gift Registry idea, cough, cough, but the truth is less liberal minded folks are going the traditional marriage route these days. If Mr. Obama wants his unconventional supporters contributing to his reelection he can't rely solely on conventional traditions to provide that financial support.
What the President needs is to focus on the most lucrative of both conventional and outside-the-box ideas in order to raise funds. The following ideas are time-proven methods for raking in quick cash and which have helped others make leaps -big and small- from being impoverished to being downright filthy rich. So forget the Wedding Registry, Mr. President, and get busy with one or more of these money-making ideas instead - November isn't that far off, you know!
1. Have supporters donate the money saved on frivolous stuff for the dead
The dead aren't getting married, so nobody's going to accuse you of being distasteful again, right? Simply tell your constituents to send you the money they’d otherwise waste on the recently dead. Instead of buying flowers, condolence cards or even fancy funerals the considerate political supporter will be more than happy to donate their savings directly to the campaign. Heck, they need not even waste valuable cash when they can just bury the dead in the back yard. As long as the voter registration people know the location of that departed soul what's the problem?
2. Have a yard sale
Everybody loves yard sales! One man's junk is always someone else's gemstone. And just think of the oodles of cash you'll raise by throwing out all the crap you trip over every day while making your rounds through the White House.
3. Put the kids to work with a lemonade stand
As a mother of four I can guarantee you, Mr. President, this one will bring customers. Few people can resist buying something off a cute, smiling child and as you've been blessed with two you stand to double your money here. And if your daughters balk at having to fork over their hard-earned change, just point out to them that out-of-work fathers don't make as many lavish taxpayer-funded trips to Disney World as Presidents in office.
4. Sell Time Shares
You got a huge house, why not profit from the space you don't ordinarily use? Yeah, the wife may not like having the little people around, but I'm sure folks like Bill Gates probably don't leave their laundry hanging out on doorknobs.
5. Sell your blood
This may come as a surprise to you, Mr. President, but there are some of us, when in times of desperation, have sold our blood to feed our families. And for people who are more vampire than human you're not really losing anything that isn't going to be quickly replaced anyway. So give it a try, Mr. President!
6. Use your spare time to panhandle
Panhandling has often been the last resort for the homeless, the unfortunate, the disabled veteran and the impoverished. And although you'll never know what it means to any of these things, Mr. Obama, Americans are still a very generous people and traditional panhandling is a lot more dignified than haunting weddings with your hand out.
7. Start a chain letter
Let your recipients know of the assured and supernatural benefits others have cashed in on by merely giving to your cause. Chain letters are classic fun, sure to frighten thousands into turning over their hard-earned money for your cause..or else!
8. Run a telethon
TV-aired telethons bring your need to the attention of many, many people. And PBS is always delighted to do what they can for Democrats, so put in a request to PBS now so they can host your call-in pledges tomorrow!
9. Collect scrap metal and resell it
Liberals just love talking about cleaning up the environment, but Mr. President here's your chance to do your armchair environmentalist buddies one better by actually doing something to clean the environment! And by collecting scrap metal and reselling it you can pocket all the proceeds yourself instead (just don't tell the IRS).
10. Place Donation Jars inside of small businesses just like the sick kids do
Admittedly, you're pretty healthy now; but if you don't win in November there may be a huge ulcer looming in the horizon. So get those jars in the stores now and spare yourself a bleak future of downing Rolaids like breath mints.
11. Sell cosmetics door-to-door
Let's not let pride get in the way of fulfilling our dreams, Mr. President. Tens of thousands of women have successfully supplemented their income by selling cosmetics door-to-door, and if you truly do believe in the empowerment of women don't be a wuss about it..pull on your heels, put on a smart dress and start ringing those doorbells like REAL women have for years.
12. Sell a few of your organs
Aha, talk about your BIG money-making project! Human organs sell for huge $$$ on the markets, and with all your friends in organ-happy China and North Korea you're sure to get top dollar for yours.
13. Sell other body "parts"
If you're reluctant to part with your organs, Mr. President, there is also a demand for other body components. Parting with these components doesn't come with any potential harm to your overall health either, and happen to be sought even here in the good ole USA. So get your tush to the nearest Sperm Bank and start cranking out those dollars now!
14. Broker a nice deal for your daughter's hand in marriage
Great leaders have sacrificed their daughters' happiness for politics for eons, so why should you be missing out on the financial benefits? And yes, your daughter might hate you forever and claim you've made her a voiceless slave to your designs. But remember, you are leader of the free world and don't have time to waste on every teeny, tiny human rights issue that crops up...unless it interferes with your crusade to recruit thousands of more young women into your vast and growing military force of voiceless slaves to your designs.
15. Sell the services you exceed at better than anyone else
Alright, this idea may involve something you're not very familiar with (it's called work) but having your own business is nothing to be ashamed of. And with your expertise and high-profile reputation your business will surely be in great demand. You might even find your business so popular that you'll soon be rubbing elbows with some of the most successful business leaders in the world, like Bernie Madoff.
16. Broadcast some tear-jerking save-the-pet charity commercials
We've all seen them: commercials saturated with tragic images of maltreated or neglected animals showcased against a backdrop of heart-wrenching music and narrated by some teary voiced celebrity. As annoying as these commercials are, they honestly work. I know nothing makes me want to send off a fat, juicy check faster than the sight of Benji or Tigger staring through the TV screen with those huge, imploring sad, sad eyes.So stop kissing the babies on the campaign trail, Mr. President; hire you Roberta Flack and put that pampered mutt -I mean darling dog- of yours to work for his Kibbles and Bits.
17. Write and publish one of those easy, breezy How-to for Dummies books
Since you have experience writing books, Mr. President, this one ought to be a pure breeze for you as these particular books don't involve trying to come up with big words or frustrate authors who have an ill-acquaintance with proper grammar. Also, if you decide to throw in an anecdote about some imaginary girlfriend from your past, the critics aren't likely to ever see it. These books aren't for highbrow snobs or Oprah, but folks who actually might find a real constructive benefit in your topic. And if not, they also make festive hangings as kiddie room décor. Best of all, they sell like hotcakes. So get to typing, Mr. O, the readers are anxious -or at least toddlers in need of wallpaper!
18. Write a hot Romance
Sure, feminists hate to admit it but Romance books are extremely popular. And again, as you are an experienced pro author already you should have no problem finding a publisher who will sign you up in a heartbeat for your first excursion into amour. And you have no reason to be embarrassed; Jimmy Carter already did it, and if Jimmy can do something gods know you can do the same thing AND with twice the lingering impact.
19. Get your friends to auction themselves off on highest bidder "Fantasy Dates"
For years people have been offering themselves in auction dates for charity. While some may complain it is a demeaning activity, if it helps a good cause what's the harm? With the large circle of attractive friends in your corner, Mr. President, I'm sure you'll have people lining up to the Canadian border and back for a chance to win an unforgettably romantic night-on-the-town with one of them!
20. If all else fails, do it the old-fashioned way..
In case none of the previous suggestions work to raise money for the Presidential campaign, Mr. Obama need not fret that he will be replaced come November. For if history has demonstrated anything, it is in the power of determination. If all else fails Mr. Obama can still hold onto his job by declaring a National Emergency, followed by the enactment of Martial Law. In doing this the President not only holds onto his position, he can keep it for a good long time..at least long enough to transform the United States entirely and for all times. And since it wasn't but a mere two days ago he declared a National Emergency under the International Emergency Economic Powers Act, who knows? His dream may become reality sooner than any of us ever expected.
In the meantime, Americans who are getting married can still give donations OR NOT to the Mitt Romney Presidential Campaign or the Gary Johnson Presidential Campaign and without fear anyone will begrudge them the traditional toasters and linens.
This Hub ©June 28, 2012 by Beth Perry