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5 Signs You're a Republican

Updated on July 31, 2009

The Republican Party has lost its way. Not because many of its members are backwards-thinking, lowly-sinking liars and scammers -- the Democrats aren't any better in that regard; they're just less obvious about their corruption. No, the real proof that you've lost your way is the emphasis you've started placing on color. Bobby Jindal? Are you people taking the piss? Do you really think the way to beat Obama in 2012 is by sticking someone else with a genetic predisposition for darkish skin on the ticket? Seriously?? It's almost stunning (and it would be, if it weren't so stupid) how much you people don't understand about how he won. The man was not elected because he's (half) black. He was elected, primarily, due to his charisma and campaign promises. Whether or not he's able to deliver on the latter remains to be seen -- but he wasn't elected because of his skin color.

Therefore, making smarmy Michael "How ya like me now?" Steele your new black RNC leader was probably a bit pointless. Not only does he lack every characteristic people found endearing in Obama -- many of your voters were highly averse to having a black man in office at all, which makes your decision a bit silly and a lot ridiculous. Are you hoping the people who voted Obama will vote Republican in 2012 if there's another black, or brown, man on the ticket? I bet you are, and that just goes to show how out of touch you are with reality. While some people do vote for skin color, most vote for values, or not at all. And Republicans don't appear to have any real values these days.

1. You believe in Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

I first heard this stupidity whilst sitting in my grandparent's mammoth Baptist church in Amish Penna. The massive crowd cheered when the pastor shouted (and he did shout) "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" and some of them got to their feet and clapped. I was about 10 at the time, but I was old enough to know I was in the presence of true ignorance. If you're a homophobic church goer who thinks homosexuality is a sin, you're probably also a Republican.

2. You believe in Creationism.

Are you one of those people who gets all red in the face when someone mentions Darwin? Have you started homeschooling your kids, just to ensure they never learn a single thing about science, beyond what your undereducated mind believes? Are you one of those people who says the Big Bang did occur, but only because it was part of God's plan? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you're probably a Republican.

3. You're a Pro-Life terrorist.

Are you one of those people who kills doctors and nurses for working in abortion clinics? Are you one of those people who thinks killing a single-celled organism is the equivalent of killing a baby? Are you someone who thinks that women should be forced to give birth when they become pregnant as a result of incest or rape? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you're probably a Republican.

4. You hunt for sport.

Are you someone who is Pro-Life, but also loves killing wild game, just so you can hang their heads on your wall? Are you someone who dresses up like Elmer Fudd and then competes to see how many deer and other animals you can kill before your mates get them first? Are you someone who thinks the lives of these fully formed animals (as opposed to zygotes), who never did anything to you, have no right to live simply because you enjoy killing them for sport? If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you're probably a Republican.

5. You think Civil Liberties are a privilege and not a right.

Did you support the Patriot Act(s)? Were you one of the people who said, "If you're not doing anything wrong, you shouldn't have anything to worry about" ? Did you vote for Bush in 2004? Did you think Ashcroft was a hero? Do you secretly (or publicly) hope that A-rabs will be ousted from the country before they blow the whole thing up? If yes, you're probably a Republican, although, there are a growing number of Dems in that category these days, as well.

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